The sky is a perfect blue
As I make my way back to you.
The clouds make a perfect blanket of white
As I imagine being in your arms tonight.
The sun shines brightly through the window
As I accept what my heart already did know –
No matter how scared I might feel
These feelings we have are for real.
-T
~May 23, 2009
Today I am glad.
Today I am sad.
Today I am cheery.
Today I am teary.
Today I am smiling.
Today I am frowning.
Today I am happy.
Today I am sappy.
Today I have ups and downs
Tomorrow there will be no frowns! ๐
-T
~May 10, 2009
It was when we moved to the City
That it began – the leaving of my heart from yours
It was when I found my own course
That it seemed away from you I ran without pity
It was when I started succeeding
That you began to lose your way
It was when “I love you” became harder to say
That for a separation was my pleading
It was when your stress was so high
That you looked at them, those two-dimensional women
It was when you would ask me to dress more feminine
That every piece of my heart and soul would cry
It was when I realized the laughter between us had died
That there was nothing to be saved
It was when our attempts to “fix” it became depraved
That I learned we both to each other had lied
It was when the lies became too much
That I knew it was time to give up
It was when there was nothing left to take from our cup
That I could no longer bear your touch
It was when our simple conversations turned into arguments
That the yelling and slamming was only the tip of my anger
It was when we both began at each other to point a finger
That it was time to end the torments
It was when I cheated on you
That you felt the intensity
It was when all was lost in our beauty
That you finally knew
We were not meant to be…
-T
~May 10, 2009
A bit delayed as I play catch up with my life, but I took an 8-day trip to Egypt during my first term break. Living in the UAE makes it very convenient to travel to a number of countries. As Egypt has been on my top 3 list since I was 8-years-old, I figured that was the best place to start.
Check out the daily adventures from my trip on Blogger!!!
More trips to come,
-T
Tonight I was asked,
“So, Tara, where is your family located?”
I paused to consider what the question really meant;
I knew that was not the real question.
I responded,
“In Oregon. In the States.”
“Is the rest of your family in Japan, then?”
As I expected, he didn’t really want to know where my family is.
I replied,
“Well, I’m not Japanese. I’m adopted and was born in Korea.”
Inside my head, I am screaming,
“WTF? How does this always come up in a conversation with me?”
Then, I thought to myself,
Why does it matter? Why do I get so worked up? What is it that really bothers me?
“You have issues,” I have been told by a beloved colleague.
“We all have issues,” I responded politely.
The difference is that we always have to discuss MY issues when a question is raised
About where I am from, who is my family, why am I Asian and only call myself American…
To me, asking this kind of question is the same as me asking someone to talk about their most sensitive issues in a casual, nonchalant, “I’m totally insensitive to your feelings” kind of way.
I know that is not necessarily the intent, but what right does anyone have to ask or assume that when I say,
“I am American. My family is from and is in Oregon.”
That I should be saying,
“I was born in Korea and I was adopted, so I don’t speak Korean. No, I don’t know my birth family, and I don’t know much about Korea.”
If a white man says,
“I am American. I’m from New York.”
The question that generally follows is:
“Oh what part? The City or Upstate?”
No one would think to ask,
“Were you born there? Is your family there? Where are you or your family from originally? Does your family speak that language still?” with underlying assumptions that he doesn’t belong, that he must have another reason for saying that he’s from New York and calling himself an American.
Why is it different for me?
Why is being Asian on the outside not freely acceptable to be considered American?
Why is being Asian on the outside an invitation to question origins, history and in general one’s existence?
Why is being Asian a free pass to consciously or subconsciously make a point that I am not from the dominant, colonial culture and therefore, I must have another reason for passing myself off as “American”?
Why is being Asian questioned at all?
Why is being adopted still not accepted?
Why is being adopted still an awkward topic, while being homosexual or transgender is less so?
Why is being adopted still something to be pitied or forced to be grateful about?
I suppose I will never escape the questions
I will never stop people from asking…will I?
Acceptance…peace…issues.
-T
~May 7, 2009
Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own; and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever. Every act of love, every moment of the heart reaching out, is a part of the universal good: it’s a part of God, or what we call God, and it can never die.
Gregory David Roberts in _Shantaram_
Always someone new
Enters in this life I lead
Always someone asks
“Where are you from?” immediately
Always someone really means
Not what is your nationality, but
Always someone wants to know
Where were you born?
As if it should make a difference
As if it matters what are the answers to the questions:
In what country was I born?
What language do I or do not speak?
What color is the skin of my parents?
As if the assumption is, it’s okay to ask a perfect stranger:
Oh, you don’t speak Korean?
Oh, you don’t have Korean parents?
Oh, have you ever been to Korea?
Oh, do you know your real parents?
As if the same questions were asked to them:
What is your family heritage?
You don’t know?
You haven’t learned the language of your native culture and country?
You haven’t found out how or why your family left their native land?
You have no connection to your origins?
Would it still be okay?
Always people think it is their right
To pry into my life within minutes of meeting
Always someone shows discomfort
With a response of, “That’s cool.”
Always someone feels awkward
When I tell them the truth
As if to say being adopted is a tragedy
As if to say I’m to be pitied or considered lucky
As if to say:
“I’m sorry for your situation, but that’s cool someone took you in”
with not so many words
So, these are my words:
It’s none of your business where I am from.
It’s none of your business what language I speak.
It’s none of your business if my parents have different colored skin.
It’s none of your business to know if I am adopted or not because,
it’s not your right to ask me personal questions beyond the country of my nationality
or the State in which I grew up
or my occupation
And, I do not want your pity.
I am American. I grew up in Oregon. I am a university teacher.
When we are friends, I will tell you more.
-T
~May 5, 2009
