There was this person I once knew who used to worry about everything. She used to cry every night to sleep and wonder why it seemed that God really must hate her. When she became a free adult, she felt lost and confused about what she was meant to do in this world and then she found love. In that love, she found an identity that was suitable and what she needed at the time.
Through the love, this person was able to reach into her core and confirm what she really stood for. For most of her early childhood, she was lied to and learned it wasn’t worth lying herself. When a lie would threaten to enter her life, she could feel the darkness, the sweat and the worry creep into her very soul. So, she always had to set it free.
Through the love, this person was able to gain confidence in her sense of integrity and honesty that would bless her amongst friends, in her work and the way she attempted to live.
The love stabilized her, anchored her and defined her.
Then, the love began to die. Her world began to shatter piece by piece and all that she stood for began to crumble. The love died and disappeared and this person was left confused, lost and unknown. She began to panic and in that panic became someone she did not recognize.
The lies became easier. The darkness was welcomed. The worry from days of old returned and was like a comforting blanket. Her honesty and integrity was lost. It seemed it had not served her well in the past. She questioned what it was all for.
As time passed, she would see glimpses of herself from the days of love and miss that person she used to be. But, she didn’t know how to return to that person without the love, without the anchor and sense of stability. She searched for it. She looked for it in others. She looked for it in work. She looked and looked.
Then, one day she decided it was time for a drastic change. She took on the challenge to move away from all that she knew and loved to redefine who she wanted to be. However, the dark blanket was not easy to let go and she held on to some parts of the way she had become, until at last, she was overwhelmed by the burden of the darkness and tired of what it was doing to her soul. Finally, she gathered the strength to let go and to be free.
That person.. was me – is me. That person has found a new love, but it’s a love inside myself – for myself. To be completely honest, there is a new love from external sources and that love has reminded me of the comfort, anchor and stability I had before. But, the real beauty is, that it is coupled with the love that I’ve also found and accepted inside myself to be the person I want to be; to reclaim the honesty and integrity that has served me well before; to be beautiful and true on the inside and outside, through and through.
So, the person that was me for the past several years has taught me to take control and be the person that is me and will be a me to be proud of.
-TW ~February 9, 2010
