Sometimes I feel lost in this crazy world. I wonder if I’m the one who is going crazy or if just nearly everyone else is that way…?
Philosophical topics have been going through my mind of late:
– Why do I really have a mental block about going home this summer?
*Maybe because it represents a life I no longer have nor want. I love my family to pieces, but we lead different lives and despite all their efforts to ensure that I am part of the family, I’ve just never felt like I fit in. It’s all on my side and in my head, I’m fully aware and yet I continue to struggle.
– Why can’t some people respect my boundaries and just trust that I actually might know what I’m doing?
*The past continues to haunt me. At least 50% is my fault in this situation, but I’d like it to just stay in the past…. Since it is encroaching on my present, I just would like my boundaries/limits to be respected and accepted in the same way that I try to do the same to others. Is that really too much to ask? Do I really seem like I’m an ignorant fool or as if I want to cheat other people? Is the world so twisted that no one can see the good in others and accept that they are just different?
– How much of my first 8 years of life affect the person that I have become and will I ever be able to enjoy the concept of spontaneity?
*Related to my first question, I think that for the first time in my life I’m living my life as I want to lead and live it. Of course, I’m making some rookie mistakes since I never had the chance earlier, but in general I finally feel as if I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do, having a relationship I’ve always wanted to have and just learning how to control myself under my conditions and my rules. While I’ve always seemed like a stubborn and self-confident, independent person, I’ve always felt the pressure of others on me – whether intentional or not. Now, I have only me pressuring me and I like it that way…. But, would I worry less or be less ambitious had I had a very stable and “normal” childhood? Would I understand what it’s like to want everything my way, not consider others’ feelings and just be egocentric? Or am I already like this, but blind to it – remove the plank from my own eye?
Anyway, these are just the beginnings of what my mind is undertaking – who says I’m stressed? π
More to come,
-T
