A Crossroad

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 312010
 

I knew it should have been a sign when a year ago I fought hard to get permission to take a semester off from my doctoral studies. Truthfully, I should have just continued through, but something inside me felt that I needed to take a break. When my semester off ended, I still was not ready to plow fully ahead. Matching the amount of support I was receiving from my potential supervisor, I half-heartedly submitted a proposal that received feedback saying it would be nearly impossible to do the research I was proposing.

This led to an exchange of emails that ended with me in need of a new supervisor, and with the end of semester approaching, wondering if I should bother with this at all – plus no response has come regarding obtaining a new supervisor (hardly a surprise!).

From an academic standpoint, I have a few options:

1. Drop out and quit altogether.
2. Push for a new supervisor at the institution and pray that I get one that won’t be biased against me, will offer the kind of support that I need as a distance learner and relatively new researcher and get it done regardless of my motivation level.
3. Take a year or so off, look for a new program that matches better with my research interests and hope that the time will provide me with opportunities to position myself in a place where doing the kind of research I would like will be easier and more beneficial.

Option 3 is looking to be the best choice overall for me. I’m not totally ready to throw in the towel completely as I still want to do the PhD and I still see the need/value of completing the degree. However, my life interests and heart are elsewhere at the moment and so it seems that taking a step away to re-evaluate and re-focus, plus give a go at what my heart is truly calling me to do is looking more prudent.

So, here I am at a crossroad, looking in every direction, not knowing which is the best path, not knowing where the paths lead, and debating within myself as to which path my heart feels is the best one to take….

-T

 Posted by at 12:24

A seed is planted…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 172010
 

Tonight I watched “In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee” a film by Deann Borshay Liem. Soon I will write a review, but it was a very interesting documentary. (Thanks to my BFF and another friend for telling me about these films!)

As I watched, there’s a scene where Liem goes to the Social Welfare Society, which is the oldest organization dealing with orphans in Korea. The very same organization that dealt with me. Once I got over the shock of seeing the face of the woman I’ve been emailing with for the past year regarding my adoption files in Korea, I also realized two things:

1. I can see my actual case file that tells more of the story of how I got to the States – if I actually make a visit there and ask them for it.

2. PLAN Korea was an organization that dealt with adoptions overseas… I’ve always heard the name PLAN, but thought that it was the American adoption agency, not the Korean-based name….(maybe it’s both…)

So, now a seed has been planted in my mind. I need to go to Korea again to read my file, to find out as much as I can about how I got to the States. I think I am more curious about the how and why than I am about actually finding my birth mother/family. Finding her conjures up much more anxiety and a sense of disappointment than the idea of being able to know the back story that put me on the path of my life.

R said to me the other day that it seems that I have more of a morbid curiosity in my birth mother more than a dire need to find her. Finding her is more about me than about her and though valid must be admitted and realized as selfish. I agree. At the same time, I’m not even sure that I want to find her in particular. I’d like to know why from her point of view, but more – I’d like to know the how first.

Since discovering that she married an American and has been in America almost as long as I have (now longer than me), I’ve felt deeply confused. Much more so than I ever did growing up or when I considered her as a Korean woman in Korea living out her life in a developing country. Now, I have to picture her as fluent or nearly so in English, with kids who are Americanized – like me, and that picture causes me to feel a sense of unbalance and internal turmoil. I’ve been told that the agency in the States has tried to contact her, but received no response from her. Whether or not this is true, I’m content to wait that out. It’s the picture of her as an American, living an American life with an American family that I’m not ready to accept. So, I’m still working through that reality, but in the meantime, I’m considering the next step I am willing to take….

A trip to Korea. A visit to SWS. Read my file. Go from there.

No set plans are made just yet, but the wheels are a’turnin’.

-T

 Posted by at 23:05

Bloated Blogging

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 162010
 

I’m finding it a little hard to keep up with the blogging. How do professional bloggers do it? Maybe they don’t have jobs or lives…?

Sometimes I wonder if we depend too much on these blogs to connect us to the world, to share with random people, to leave our digital footprint, to… what end?

To me, it’s like I want to share my thoughts and ideas with the world, but then I ask, WHY? Who cares? Who’s going to read these thoughts? What makes me so important or interesting? Maybe the answers are no one and nothing, but here I am writing still….

Anyway, work gets in the way of the writing I want to do. This weekend I’ve got to mark 18 essays, plus help prepare lessons and relax to rejuvenate for the upcoming week. I would say it’s a hard life, but we all know that’s not true! 😛 Still, it’s tiring and when your heart is divided between the work that is enjoyable with great benefits and work that is a passion with no guarantees, it’s hard to juggle it all.

-T

 Posted by at 01:47

I’ve been Googled

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 122010
 

The other day I was using the laptops in class with my students. They had some extra time and they asked me if I am on Facebook. I explained, yes, but they wouldn’t be able to find me. They were determined to try and I said, if they could find me, I would “friend” them. Suddenly a student said, “Miss, I googled you and see your pictures!” A moment of panic hit me, but knowing that I don’t put up anything embarrassing on the Net, I took a deep breath. They could see some of my picasa photos or profile pics and LinkedIn was the first hit  with my credentials, which is actually a good thing so they can see I’ve got experience and education. Still, I have to say my Internet footprint is a bit on the disturbing side. I’m wondering if I should just accept it or try to ensure my privacy…?

Anyway…I’ve been quiet on here. Busy at work mostly. Busy at home too enjoying life, relaxing and pursuing my writing interests. I need to find more discipline and time to do some things, but for now I have to say I’m just content and happy with how things are. 😀

-T

 Posted by at 22:55

Overwhelmed

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 042010
 

My mind is overwhelmed with my sudden intake of adoption stories. I was watching the PBS POV show last night and wanted to to watch the other one out but I need a wee break from it.

I wrote a review for the documentary “Adopted” and it was found and posted on Facebook. Crazy… should I write more? Maybe… I will think about it.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Each day work takes so much energy, which actually positive energy – just draining. Plus, writing and life takes a lot…all this and I’ve still not done any work on my research project…<sigh>. It will get done eventually.

Is it bad that I’m already looking forward to our break in November? It’s just a month away….

Until next time,

-T

 Posted by at 22:45

Omma Odi? 2

 Writing  No Responses »
Oct 032010
 

My dearest birth mother,

It’s been 33 years since I last looked at your familiar face, last heard your loving voice, last felt your warm heart beating against mine, last touched your soft hands. It’s been 33 years since I knew safety and trust at my very core. It’s been 33 years since I smiled and laughed without the hidden pain and sadness. It’s been 33 years ….

After all this time do you still ache for me?
After all this time do you still think of me?
After all this time do you still consider me your first-born daughter?
After all this time do you still hope for the best for me?

Do you regret
giving me up?
hoping for an unknown better future?
having me at all?

Now, where are you?
Now, where would we be if we were together?
Now, where are we?

Now,

Omma

Odi?

Always your birth-daughter,

Om Sun Hui.

 Posted by at 23:07

Omma Odi? 1

 Writing  No Responses »
Oct 032010
 

Here are a few writings I’ve been working on:

—-

Dear Omoni,

Where did you go just moments after you left me for the last time? Did you hide somewhere to cry at the loss of your flesh and blood? Or did you hold your head up high and pretend that everything was going to be alright as you walked away? Did you hope that one day you would be able to see me again? Or did you begin to forget me from that moment on?

The story is that you gave me up to a foster family after taking care of me for a year. Did you really sign away your parental right to me or was it a mistake that they sent me away – to a foreign land across the waters?

Now, many years later, I’ve learned that you followed me across that ocean just a short year after I took the same journey there. Did you come looking for me? What were you thinking when you looked down at the land that had become my home for the past year and was now to become yours?

If ever I were to find you, these are the questions I would ask you. However, all I can question at the moment is Omma, Odi? (Mother, Where?)

Your daughter of birth,

Om Sun Hui.

 Posted by at 23:05

The ideas are flowing…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 032010
 

It’s been difficult for me to gather together my thoughts and direction lately. While I’m still working and doing my PhD, I feel as if I’m beginning to straddle multiple worlds and am not yet certain how they are going to co-exist or if they can at all.

World 1

For some time, I’ve felt that the time is drawing closer for the right moment to begin to share my story. Since I was 8-years-old and finally found a happy and healthy home, I began writing and wanting to find a way to remember my story so that one day I could share it with others. Somehow I knew then that what my life had been up until then was worth keeping track of and to someday put out in the world so that if there were others like me, we would never feel as alone as I did growing up.

With many Korean adoptees coming to an age of reflecting, more stories are beginning to come out about our adoption experiences. There is a range of emotions that are being revealed from the most bitter to the most content and yet all our stories are different and unique. So, I have begun to follow my path in writing and am looking/searching for the best way to continue along this way. I know more will be coming on this….

World 2

With some overlap is my dream of writing. So, I’ve begun following different writing paths. For a little while now, I’ve been doing some restaurant reviewing – though nothing in print as of yet. Also, I’ve found a couple of sites on which I can write to hopefully make a little income. Most recently, R and I are starting a site on life in Abu Dhabi. It’s currently being developed, but when we’re ready to broadcast, I’ll let everyone know. 🙂

World 3

The one in which I exist most of the time. I continue to enjoy teaching. Surprisingly, this term has been the most enjoyable and relaxing of any in the past year and a half that I’ve been here. The pursuit my doctorate is still going forward, but I’m less motivated now with these other worlds fighting for a presence.

So, this is where I am and while my heart is calm, my mind whirls…

-T

 Posted by at 23:01
error

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)