Truth: Everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives.
Truth: Living as an expat involves the regular culture-shock cycle which includes depression.
Truth: Someone with my history/background naturally would deal with depression.
Truth: There is nothing wrong with feelings of depression and it does not make me a mental case…
I know these truths. Every intellectual cell in my brain and bone in my body understands that depression is natural/normal.
Yet, I have a hard time accepting it.
Since moving to the UAE, I’ve undergone a number of psychological and probably physical changes. Some people and even I wonder why I chose to live in a country completely different from anything I’ve ever known. Mostly, I love a challenge and also I hate to be told that I cannot do something, so I’ll do it just to prove otherwise. Can we say stubborn or stupid? 😀
Really, I needed a drastic change from how my life was and where it was going. All of my life was spent going where I was told or doing what people wanted of me. This was my decision and for the first time I was truly on my own. No friends to show me the ropes, no spouse to lean on, no one at all.
Of course, I’ve made wonderful friends here and I’ve got a wonderful man in my life now. Life is forming a sense of normalcy and familiarity. So, as the external stresses and adjustments find balance, the chaos of my internal ones are more apparent.
So, I’ve been deeply depressed. Probably I have been so my whole life. I’ve survived and found ways to cope – reasonably well – but at the end of the day I’m not totally happy and healthy no matter how I might seem to the average looker. The good news is that I realize this and am working on it. The bad news is that it’s a long long road and I find myself wondering – how important is it? What does happiness mean really? What is the purpose of the things that we do for ourselves?
Anyway, life is moving on and I’m starting to find my way back. Still, I want to realign myself, my goals and where I’m going. So, as the year comes to an end and a new one closes in – usual reflection is required….
Until next time,
-T
