He’s a new father. I’m happy for him – really, honestly happy for him. He has a son, which isn’t really important, but it leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth that he’s been given an eldest son already. Why should it matter to me at all is the real question?
On one hand, it really doesn’t. We’ve forgiven and moved on. On the other hand, clearly it does as wounds may heal, but the scars are always there to remind you of how the wound came to be. I’ve never regretted the decision to walk away no matter how difficult it was or the pain that we both went through. In my heart, I knew he would move on quickly and be remarried within a couple of years of our end. So, when that became a reality I was not surprised nor upset. When he got his ideal job (or at least I think it is), I felt happy for him and thought that he really must have gotten his act together and maybe, just maybe that was the good that came out of the pain and sadness for him. Though we often argued over whose fault it was that we didn’t work out, the truth is that it was both of us in so many different ways and I think we both came to terms with that reality.
Still, I carried a twinge of bitterness/jealousy that his life was so quickly coming back together and I felt that mine was an uncontrollable tornado that would never twist itself out into a calm breeze. It left me lacking confidence and wondering if I really had made the worst mistake of my life despite my sense of justification for leaving.
However, as my life finds that calm breeze I’ve been waiting for, I am realizing that everything works out according to our own circumstances and needs. Though I’m not really comfortable/right with God these days, I still accept a greater presence than us. It’s clear that I needed to go through my own tornado to realize that I had some personal house-cleaning to do rather than trying to clean up for others. So, I’m comfortable that timing is individualized and I can find some peace with the way life is going for me, for him. 🙂
Until next time….
-T
