Okay, so I’m having a bit of a pity party on my behalf. So, if you’re not in the mood to read my whinging or just don’t feel like reading anything down, this is not the post for you!
First, there really is nothing in my life that is so bad. I have a great family. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have some wonderfully kind and good friends. I have a well-paying job that offers ridiculous amounts of paid vacation time. I have traveled parts of the world. I am attractive enough and age is still a reasonable friend to me. So, I recognize all this.
HOWEVER…
I often feel alone and extremely lonely. Most of the time, I feel that no one truly understands me and that if I disappeared tomorrow, who would notice? There are many days when I think that I could have no contact with anyone and not a single soul would stop to wonder what I’m doing today or give a thought about my life. Honestly, why should they?
My therapist said that I think about the world – something I learned to do to survive through my past. However, as an adult, I expect other people to be the same as me and the reality is that there is no one like me. (Thank goodness, right?! :P)
Still…I think is it so wrong to wish for more from people?
Did you know that my 36th birthday came and went without my BF acknowledging or realizing it? I didn’t say anything because I don’t believe that I should have to tell anyone that it is my birthday. Of course, I don’t like to make a big deal out of my birthday. I don’t like the attention it draws to me – though I love a good party (my birthday is just an excuse for it). π Still, is it enough of an excuse that he doesn’t find birthdays important and would forget his own if I or his mother didn’t remember? Shouldn’t it be at least expected that he can remember at some point just to say “Happy Birthday and I’m happy you are a part of my life”? Is that too much?
Of course, I don’t take for granted that my mother, BFF and a few other good friends did remember and sent me lovely messages. (Thank you!)
Still, I am led to wonder what is the point of this life that I lead? I have no husband. I have no children. I have nothing that will be a legacy of my life on this earth. I am in a job that while gives me great benefits also thinks I am expendable at any moment. So, what is it that I am doing in this world?
Before, I tried to accept that my purpose in this world was to follow God and to do His work. Now…I doubt that as well. So, I am pathetically lost and depressed. Sometimes I think that if I were a more courageous person I would spontaneously leave everything behind and do something crazy or dangerous to remind myself that life is precious or die. However, I’m too cautious and weak to do that…instead I whinge in writing on a blog that anyone in the world can read and probably no one actually does. How is that for irony?
Anyway, here ends the pity party. If you read this far, good on you and I appreciate it. π
On to happier thoughts….
-T π
