I have realized lately that I just might have a great deal of deep seeded anger inside of me. I think when I was too busy trying to get a hold on my own mind I didn’t notice or want to admit to the anger that lies beneath.
Lemme ‘splain…
The other day on my way to work a white woman in her car came speeding up in the right lane. When the cars in her lane weren’t going fast enough she popped into my lane and proceeded to flash her lights while making exasperated gestures. I merely laughed. When it’s a brown man behind the wheel doing the same I feel annoyance at his poor behavior. When it’s a white privileged woman it’s humorous. Where’s the racism and anger you might be wondering?
Well, it’s two-sides really. Brown men make me angry even though they might be from my Western privileged world, I assume they aren’t and don’t know how to behave civilly. However we all know that most people behind the wheel of a car tend to take on a different persona no matter where they are from. On the other side I also am annoyed at the woman who knows better. No doubt she has had a number of people behave the same way to her and she has cursed them under her breath or yelled loudly in the car even though they can’t hear her. Despite that empathy did not strike and there she was behaving uncivilly herself. (Shake my head)
My second story is one of the major reasons why I want to leave this place and why I tend to walk around angrily.
I had had a generally lovely and relaxing afternoon. On my way home I stopped at the grocery store. An Indian man came up next to me at the salsa aisle and said something to which I ignored. Going on my way I noticed he was following me down the aisles. He disappeared and then came up the opposite side so that he could stop in front of me and smilingly say Hi. As if I would be interested… I shook my head at him and walked away wordlessly. I then intentionally went further in the store thinking he would go on his way. When he came up again from a distance and smiled I had had enough. As there were a number of people around I yelled at him to stop following me. He looked surprised and quickly went away suddenly never to be seen again.
I thought why did this guy have to ruin my day? Why do people have to assume that I’m some free Asian to be propositioned? Why do I constantly have to explain and defend myself? When I share my stories to white women they try to sympathize by saying the same thing happens to them. This is bull as no Indian man in his right mind would have the nerve to go up to some white woman…. Men can’t understand simply because they are male…
So I ask do I have a right to be angry? Do I have a right to have some racist thoughts? Maybe it isn’t right, but I am tired of it all… I’m tired of fighting with every breath and action I take to be seen as just a woman, to be heard as a real voice and most importantly to be respected as a human being!
-T
