The other night I was having a moan about stuff I swirl around in my head related to others in my life and my friend said how it must be a lot of pressure on me. I realized that she was totally right and that I don’t often recognize the toll all the swirling takes on me. I know there is a reason why I need a massage every week, but I am not necessarily 100% conscience of the source(s). Inside of me I carry a lot of ‘issues’: PhD, work/career, bipolar disorder I (aka ups and downs), adoption, abandonment, and the list goes on. Don’t we all have our own issues, though? The difference for me is that I am constantly trying to read other people and to adapt accordingly so as not to make them uncomfortable or unhappy. This is a survival mechanism I learned at a very young age to ensure people liked me or to avoid getting noticed too much. However, this constant reading makes me really tired because while I do it to make others’ lives easier, they do not necessarily do it in return for my benefit. Now, it’s not to say that I do it for the return purpose, but it is the reality of the truth of the situation. So, as I try to balance being me with all my issues and being a daughter, being a sister, being a friend, being a girlfriend, etc it is no wonder that there are times when I just feel really t.i.r.e.d. If I spent half as much time thinking about myself as I do about everyone else, I might not need so many massages. Yet, this is who I am. It is good for me to know who I am and what I do. I recognize it. I accept it. At the same time, I accept that I will also have those moments when the pressure becomes too much and I will have to find a way to release the pressure or just know my wallet might burn holes from all those massages! ;D
– T
