Lately, the voice in my head is full of angry under and over tones. The other day I was in the car on the way to work feeling a really deep-seeded dislike of people. Not just a disgust with society or annoyance at the various A-holes on the road, but a truly raw “I can’t stand people” feeling.
Of course, there are some people I like – I do have friends, after all.
However, to be honest, I feel often as if I could walk away from everyone and everything I know without a single ounce of regret. Whether or not this is true, I cannot fully say, but the majority of the time I feel strongly this way.
For most of my life I have tried to be positive. I’ve adapted. I’ve made the most with what I have been given. I have felt grateful or lucky for the opportunities I have been presented with. I have tried to be as optimistic and idealistic as I could possibly be. I believe this has paid off for the most part. However, I feel as if there is a dark cloud starting to take over me. I’ve always seen it on the outer edges of my mind, but forced it away. Lately, I’m letting it become bigger and more present. Is it good? Is this a worthwhile direction to let my mind go in? Should I let myself go through this phase and hope that by passing through it, I will come out happier and better on the other side? Or should I continue to fight it off and hope that the darkness will pass?
I don’t have an answer.
I recognize there is a lot I can be angry about –
*my childhood
*the world’s need to put me into a box
*inequalities that surround me
*being adopted
*etc etc
However, there is also a lot I can be happy about…. So, this is my latest struggle…
-T π
