Me and vodka do not really go well together. Whenever I have vodka drinks I end up feeling very very dark.
With my already dark tendencies, especially of late (as you may notice in my posts), I get really hopeless about this life.
Anyway, I have really been unhappy with everything and everyone lately. One of the reasons that I want to go home this summer is to be someplace that I feel safe and surrounded by people I think love me unconditionally. I am even considering looking for jobs in the States because I just don’t feel like this is working for me here. Perhaps this feeling will pass, but right now, it’s how I am feeling.
The truth is that I do not believe that my absence from this world would be all that horrible. I know some would be upset, but their lives would continue on just fine. Since I do not have children and am not married, I do not really have much attachment to what I do in this world. Nothing really brings me great joy except eating… π I feel as if I just get by day-to-day.
R said it is the bipolar in me talking. Maybe he’s right. He suggested again that maybe I should reconsider medication. Maybe he’s right.
The problem is that it still doesn’t answer my question of “What’s the point? To what end do I live and do what I do in this life?”
So…I don’t know… I have to wait until May before my next appointment with my therapist as she’s on holiday. She said I could call her and she would come in, but I feel bad about that and who am I to interrupt her break? Don’t I live for my holidays?
Well, this is a bit depressing of a post, but writing helps me and maybe someone will read this and understand without thinking I’m crazy or telling me to just get my misery over with… π
-T π
