May 2013 – Creative Meanderings

Cipralex in Action

May 312013

This past week was a rather busy one and thus I did not write too much. Yesterday in particular was not a great day from the beginning , but gave me a bit of a jolt to recognize that after about seven weeks on Cipralex, it does seem to be working.

1. Life dramas – It has taken me some time and I often have to remind myself that the man I have chosen to be with is not very typical, nor do I truly want him to be. However, his atypical ways can sometimes cause tension when it comes to going out and doing things as a couple like ‘normal’ couples do. While for the most part I do not mind going out and doing things without him because he does go out now and then with people that we both enjoy spending time with, it makes it a challenge for me to have to explain to others why he is not out with me all of the time. I do not think we have to go out together all of the time, actually. Neither does he. The problem is that other people do not understand and tend to badger me with questions as to his whereabouts or to explain his ways when it is not for me to explain or have to feel awkward for going out on my own. We have trust and we have a shared view on socializing. People should respect that it is different or talk to him directly as to why he doesn’t accompany me more. The reality is that as long as the two of us are okay with it, then everyone else should be as well.

In having to deal with this I have remained quite calm about it. I have dwelt a little bit on it, but not over-thought it as I might have done before. Score 1.

2. Near death experience – Each day our commute to work is a lesson in appreciating life. We are often lucky to arrive to campus or home without having an accident, near accident or just plain road rage at the insane drivers on the road. Yesterday, I left quite early for work and took a different than usual route. It was going rather smoothly and I was just a little above the speed limit in the left lane. I was cruising along when a luxury sedan came speeding up behind me flashing his lights as he approached my vehicle. I maintained my speed and happened to also be at the same speed where coincidentally the person behind me could not switch lanes due to another vehicle on the right. After more flashing of lights, he decided he couldn’t handle himself and went into the left emergency lane. As he was passing me, he decided to try to bully me and move back into my lane knowing that there was nowhere for me to go. While this was happening, a large Nissan Patrol came speeding up behind me as well flashing lights and decided to also take the left emergency lane to pass. Both cars were too big for the non-existent lane; thus barely passing me. Anger was boiling within me as I was laying on my horn.

There was a moment where I thought that I could swing my wheel to the left and send us all flying leading, most likely, to my own death or severe injury and perhaps only partial damage to the other vehicles. In my state of mind seven weeks ago, I probably would have let anger and apathy for life take over and I would not be writing about it now. However, the moment passed as the anger boiled and I continued on to work to pass the day in a foul mood. It was not the near-death experience that traumatized so much as the sheer bullying/threatening behavior of the drivers. It was almost as if they had taken a gun to my head by their actions as the result would nearly be the same in threatening my life all because they needed to break the speed limit and hurry to do nothing important.

Of course, I probably should not have been in that lane. I probably should have changed lanes rather than be passive-aggressive about their speeding up behind me. I probably should always drive like an old lady to ensure my safety. So, for that I take responsibility. At the same time, the roads here are very unsafe and the shitty drivers have no repercussions for their actions unlike someone who would if they threatened me with a gun. So, every time I get into a car I have to pray for my survival – whether it is me or someone else behind the wheel. It’s ridiculous.

However, the meds definitely kept me alive and so I guess I should be satisfied with that. 🙂 Score 2.

Needless to say, I am more than looking forward to the next 24 days to pass when I can get a break from this crazy place! 😀

-T

Mixed Reality Check

Going Mental No Responses »

May 242013

This morning I chatted with my supervisor. It was both good and not so good, but not necessarily bad.

The good is that I am making good progress and understanding better what I am doing. 🙂

The not so good is that I will probably not finish in 2013 and need to refocus my outcome to something more significant for a PhD. 🙁

So…what do I do with all that? Well, first it is a darn good thing that I am on medication because I probably would be much more troubled and worried about it than is currently going through my mind. However, I am torn. Of course, I would like to be finished sooner and feel a bit of frustration that I did not have better guidance at least a year ago when I started this writing process. I think I probably would have been closer to a finish if I had had that. Still, I want the dissertation to be of quality and of significance so that it truly propels my life forward in a positive direction rather than just getting a piece of paper.

Thus, I’m in a bit of a mixed bag of thoughts/feelings with this. My supervisor said that the only way she finished was to take six months leave of absence from working without pay as she was also working full-time and it took her ages as well. So…I am not sure what I can do with that information, but I will see how I can go with things. I have actually considered taking a leave, but I cannot afford it at this moment….Therefore, I just gotta be more disciplined about things, I think.

With that said, I need to get back at it! 😀

-T

Health Conscience

Going Mental No Responses »

May 222013

Last week a friend/colleague at work asked me if I would be interested in joining her for interval training for runners at a nearby fitness center. Since I have not been running or even exercising very regularly I was not quite sure if I was up for such a challenging session on a regular basis. However, as I have been thinking that I really need to get back on the wheel again, I decided that I should at least give it a try.

However, this week I had planned to try giving blood, see a doctor and do a free health check-up (the first and last at campus).

So, on Monday I gave blood. This is only the second time ever that I have given blood. After the first time I pretty much swore I would not do it again as it took me about 1.5 hours to fill the second half of the bag and I was exhausted from it. Still, my friend here has told me stories about how helpful donated blood is and others have said the same. So, I figured I should buck up and give it another try. It went fairly well at first. The bag filled up rather quickly and I was nearly finished within about 10 minutes. The real fun began after the needle was taken out of my arm. I felt the world start to spin and the blood drain from my head as the sound of the world started to disappear. They quickly laid me down and raised up my legs telling me to breathe deeply ten times. I felt better and sat up having some horrible juice. The nurse said I still looked really pale and told me to rest longer. After trying to drink some water, I started to feel faint again and back down horizontal I went. Finally, after another 10 minutes or so I felt mostly normal, but a bit queasy and tired. Luckily, I was able to go home early. Once I got home I still did not feel well and was dizzy every time I stood up. I tried napping, but that did not help. I ate some sweet things as people recommended and that still did not help. I thought there must be a better solution because people give blood all the time and cannot possibly have to waste a day feeling badly afterwards. So, I did a bit of research. The culprit for dizzyness in most cases is low blood pressure, not low blood sugar. Therefore, to increase blood pressure you should eat salty things, not sugary ones. So, I scarfed down a bag of chips and wah-la, I felt great after about 20 minutes. Thus – note to self and anyone else reading this – if you feel dizzy after giving blood, maybe you should have both a cookie and a bag of chips! 😉

Then, yesterday, we went to the Emirates Hospital to see about getting tested for a stomach bacteria called H Pylori. It’s a pretty nasty little bacteria that we apparently always have, but a huge number of people have more than they should and do not even realize it. A colleague had it and a number of people he knows have it or had it as well. I had been putting it off to get tested as I felt ‘ok’, but lately I’ve developed a burning sensation when I have spicy food and I feel bloated or gaseous most of the time. The doctor was very nice (best I think I’ve seen here) and so we will go back on Sunday to get the proper testing done.

Finally, today I got a free health checkup to test my BMI, blood sugar level and risk for Type 2 Diabetes. It seems that I am quite healthy. I could shed a few pounds and get my muscle level back up a bit, but it seems I am doing okay, which is a relief. 🙂

So, with all this health awareness lately, I have decided that I should get myself back into some kind of shape. Yesterday I went back to the treadmill, this time at work, and walked/ran for 30 minutes. Today was a 30 minute swim. If I start with 30 minutes a day, then I can probably be fitter in the month. ;D

Anyway, I will consider trying to give blood again in three months when it is said to be okay (maybe then I will remember to ask for my blood type) since I got feedback about how good it is to do. If it isn’t better then I may quit, but until then I’ll think positively. 😀

-T 😀

The Difference Black Makes…

Going Mental No Responses »

May 212013

For the last few weeks I have completely obsessed over this billboard that I have seen on our street. I could not for the life of me figure out what the ad was for nor what the image was supposed to me. For some reason all I could see was the backside of a female body wrapped with straps. It was not a likely image for a place like here.

R said it looked like a piece of jewelry to him. We read the sign and kept thinking it said 3D Police and figured that it must be for sunglasses – not the Police force here.

Still, I could not figure out what the picture was supposed to be and how it had anything to do with sunglasses.

We pass three signs on this road each day, but because it is a busy street, it is difficult to stop and gawk at it long enough. The past couple of days I have tried to do Google image searches to figure out what it is. Yes, I have gotten a wee bit obsessed with it.

So, today, I made up my mind I was going to get a picture and figure this out. Since I came home at a time when the road isn’t so busy, I used my hazard lights to ward off cars and finally got a picture. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was not 3D, but 30. If I had been able to read the top of the sign earlier, I might have made that connection sooner. So, that confirmed it was indeed a sign for the Police brand sunglasses. I finally realized that perhaps the image was the sunglasses, but it just wasn’t coming to me.

Another Google image search with the correct information finally revealed this image:

Without the dark background, I completely understand the photo. It’s amazing how the change in the background completely changes the image – or at least to me….

In any case, that is one mystery solved, which is a relief! 😀

-T

Conditionals…

Going Mental No Responses »

May 202013

Today I taught conditionals in my class. “If [this], then [that]” for adverbial clauses and future clauses. As I was thinking about the form of these structures, then I began to wonder about the meaning for myself….

Lately, I sort of have returned to contemplating the purpose of life and what I am doing. It’s not as intense as it was before, but I still spend some time on it. I suppose that is ‘normal’.

I literally have less than six months (hopefully!) on my dissertation and yet I find myself thinking what will I do with it once I finish. I feel as if my life is on hold until it is finished in every aspect – work and play – yet I have no really clear idea of where it will take me. At the moment, I think that I want to work in a College of Education where I can be amongst academics, but then that does not fulfill my real desire to not teach anymore – at least young adults. So…I do not know. I do know I just need to plug along and get it done. Then, as R says, I will have it and will not need anything more in terms of hard core studying for the rest of my life. That has to be a strong enough motivation, right?

The last couple of days we talked about the lottery in the US that is the highest in history at 590 million dollars. 590 MILLION DOLLARS!!! One person in Florida supposedly won it. Can you possibly imagine what life would be like if you were to walk away with 300 million dollars in cash (after taxes)?? I thought about what I would do with that kind of money. After I had splurged on all the things that would make me happy, I thought how I would like to be able to leave it for someone or how the person who won could take care of his/her family for the unknown future. Then, I realized I have no one in my family whom I really would like to leave such kind of money to…not that I don’t love the people in my family; it’s just that money like that should not be totally wasted.

So, if I had won 300 million dollars and bought my private jet, house on the beach in Hawaii and a new convertible jaguar, then I would probably set up a scholarship fund of some sort for some group – not sure which group or how much, but that is how I think I would use the money. The rest would go into a bank to ensure that I live off the interest for the rest of my happy, healthy and extended life! 😛

-T 😀

_Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (Wicked Years)_ by Gregory Maguire

Literary Escapes No Responses »

May 182013

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked…

_Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (Wicked Years)_ by Gregory Maguire

Okay, so everyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely HATE movie “The Wizard of Oz”. Many years ago, I did read the book and I still didn’t like it. When I was in New York, the Broadway musical “Wicked” came and stayed and was raved about. I was not convinced by people saying that it is nothing like “The Wizard of Oz” and that I would probably like it.

However, many more people whom I came across have mentioned how this book is really good and interesting. They promised it was nothing like the original story and that I should give it a try. So, finally, I downloaded it and gave it a go.

Well, wow…. The fuss is definitely true. It’s a GREAT story. It is NOTHING like “The Wizard of Oz” and is so much more interesting and engaging. Sure, I know the original story was good in its time. I have no issue with the quality, I only never liked the story itself and the movie scarred me for life with the creepy flying monkeys and a person who gets killed by water! I wouldn’t have anything to do with water unless forced for weeks!!!

Still, this story was really interesting and I have to say nothing like anything I have ever read. I cannot really compare it to anything. The story follows the life of Elphaba, who becomes the Wicked Witch of the West. However, we find that she really is not all that wicked and that she never really set out in her life to become so. Some parts of the story with the Wicked Witch of the East and Glinda the Good Witch do not perfectly match up, but in general it is a genius attempt at telling the pre-story of the infamous witch.

So, if you cannot tell by now, I absolutely recommend this book and am going to see about seeing the musical! However, I started to re-read _The Wizard of Oz_ that is included at the end of the Kindle version and nope, I still cannot stand it…. 😛

-T 😀

_Gone Girl_ by Gillian Flynn

Literary Escapes No Responses »

May 172013

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

_Gone Girl_ by Gillian Flynn

A couple of colleagues and friends from work asked if I was interested in joining in reading this book with them since one said it was a book that you want to read with someone to be able to talk about it. Intrigued by the idea and never really having done a ‘book club’ type thing before (unless you count Bible studies), I thought I’d give it a shot. Plus, it was a good excuse to avoid academic reading now and then.

Well, I totally got hooked, plus a little bit competitive at J’s speed reading skills. So, I finished the book probably within a week’s time. It was a good distraction, but I’m not convinced about it.

So…the story is told in alternating chapters from the perspective of Amy via her diary entries and her husband in real time. The story tells the tale of their relationship and the inner struggles from both sides. There are a number of twists that I do not want to comment on in case you are planning on reading the book. Each of the twists were well played and the story itself was quite well-written.

Unfortunately, be warned that all three of us were quite disappointed by the ending. We felt that Flynn just sort of gave up leaving a very anticlimactic feeling. I have not read other reviews or gone to see what the general feelings of others have been towards the ending (I mean I do have a dissertation to write after all, haha! ;)), but feel free to comment should you read the book and let me know how you feel about the ending yourself.

Anyway, it was fun. We didn’t do a proper ‘book club’ style of discussion and all that, but it was nice to all have read something together and then to have a chit chat about it. Maybe we’ll do another one soon.

-T 😀

Eleven Days In….

Going Mental No Responses »

May 142013

Time for a wee update on the drugs. Do I call them drugs or medication or is it the same? Hm…

So, as you can see I still am pondering things at a weird depth, but the change is happening in that I am not really worrying about things so much. In fact, I feel almost confused not having things swirling around in my head so much that I think it is contributing to my state of tired. My mind is not sure what to do when there aren’t a million thoughts going around and around, so then it thinks I should be sleeping. 😉

In any case, I do feel as if the Cipralex has kicked in pretty well. I do not dwell on negative thoughts hardly at all these days as I did before. I am definitely not as annoyed by other people as I have been or normally would be, which is a definite plus. My body is still physically tense, which R says will take some time to adjust because I am used to carrying the physical tension that goes with the mental stress. However, once I accept the decrease of mental stress, my body should relax and let go of the physical aspect, so that is something to look forward to.

Overall, I feel pretty good and ‘happy’ish these days. I am making progress with the literature review, so that is also helping matters. It’s still a long road ahead and I may not meet my summer deadline, but at least I am giving it a go unlike before where I was just procrastinating. 😛

For now, I’m just enjoying the ’emptiness’ of my mind….

-T 😀

A Weary World

Going Mental No Responses »

May 132013

Yes, I’m back on the topic of being tired. Can you sense a theme here?

Yesterday at pottery, my teacher asked why it is that everyone is always tired in this country. One of the local girls said it’s because it is summer…; not exactly a satisfactory answer to the rest of us since we are tired all of the time and there is no doubt that her life does not require the same kind of energy that the rest of us non-locals live.

In any case, I’m still wondering…. Is it that we are all working too hard and not making enough time to relax and enjoy our lives? Is it that we are trying to enjoy our lives too much so that the work makes us tired from lack of stamina? Is it just something to say, but not necessarily how we really feel? Is it the tip of the iceberg, so to speak and there are deeper problems going on not just with individuals, but as a society? Is it possible to actually say yes to all of these at the same time? I think so….

It is interesting to consider that right now I feel sleepy. My mind is not tired since I only worked for two hours and am now home sipping a cup of tea as I prepare to settle in to a few hours of study. Yet, my body feels as if it would be just as content to curl back up in bed or on the couch and take a short little nap. If I give in to that urge, it will most likely not help my productivity, which is my main purpose for being home on a workday. Still, if I push through it is possible that my body will start to feel tired from the mental strain. It feels like a never-ending cycle and a losing battle, doesn’t it?

Strange that we struggle through this way of life daily or at least regularly. There must be a way to avoid it, but can’t seem to find a viable solution that doesn’t involve quitting work entirely or escaping to some deserted island. So, I guess we just continue to fight the good fight and make the best of each day while we have the energy to do so. 🙂

-T 😀

Swan Lake

Going Mental No Responses »

May 112013

Ballet is a mysterious part of my life. In my second adoptive family, I used to take ballet lessons. My crazy mother at the time was really into “Flashdance” and perhaps had some dream that I would become her surrogate dancer or something. In any case, I did fall in love with ballet, but due to my bad memories of her I never really wanted to have anything to do with it once I left that home.

My mom used to take me to the “Nutcracker” when I was young and through my sleepiness I would be fascinated with the art. After I saw “Black Swan“, I was even more interested in seeing the real thing. So, when it was announced that the Royal Moscow Ballet troupe was coming to the UAE, how could I pass up the chance?

The performance was quite wonderful. Now that I’m old enough to appreciate the talent and interpret the story, I quite enjoyed it. I am not sure that their best dancers were the ones performing, but what do I know. In any case, it was beautiful and nice to see.

However, like most events I have attended here, the feeling is that things are done half-ass. I should be fair to note that just 40 years ago people here were living in tents or clay buildings and the concept of a royal ballet troupe coming to the country was not only foreign, but most likely totally unknown. So, I should give them some credit for that. Still, the venue was makeshift, the seats were uncomfortable and poorly laid out. I could barely see over the top of the person in front of me and if anyone moved in their seats, we all felt it. I am used to performances in proper auditoriums with a real orchestra pit and a sense of sophistication in attending an event where amazing talent is about to be shared. This place just did not lend itself to that kind of feeling, sadly.

Overall, though I am very glad that I got to see the performance. I would like to see it again from better seats and in a nicer venue someday.

Below are a few pics and videos I managed to take.

-T 😀

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