Back in my early education days I was notorious for getting my work done right away. I always thought about how if I finished my homework early, then I would have more free time to do other things. It was a good foundation for entering university. I never had those typical all-nighters working on an assignment that was due the next morning. In-between classes I used to come back to my room and immediately do the work that I needed to get done. I knew how to prioritize and schedule when I needed to complete my papers. It was all quite easy in my mind.
Then, I entered the real world and realized that I was an anomaly. In fact, one of my jobs doing web design actually required me to work slower and procrastinate more because I was going to work myself out of a job – which I eventually did.
Next came my MA program where there was no possibility of procrastinating as most assignments were projects with classmates and papers were demanding on time. Plus, I was avoiding my failing marriage, so I spent loads of time working to complete everything on time. Of course, I still had a ton of fun as well, but studying came first.
Now, five years into my doctorate and I find myself avoiding doing any work as if it were the plague. Of course, I can blame some of this lack of discipline on the fact that I work full-time, which I never did before whilst studying. I can also put some of the pressure on my mental imbalances. However, at the end of the day, there has been a significant change in my mindset. I am not sure if it is that I am afraid to finish out of fear that it will not be good enough or that there is some sort of finality to it. While I know that having a PhD will actually open more doors for me, I wonder if it will take down a path on which I am not yet convinced is the one I want to take. Yet, I also know that I have the total power and ability to go in whatever direction I would like.
In fact, it has felt for some time as if I have been drifting in life without a clear direction. Perhaps I could pinpoint it back to my divorce. Being married gave me a very set path and anchored me in a certain way of life. Although I did not like that path or way of life, I have not yet found what I need to replace that sense of security and confidence in what I am doing. There are good people in my life who support me. R is my biggest cheerleader, actually and being with him gives me peace. After a recent conversation, I also feel quite secure in our relationship. Still, that is a recent change in my psyche.
Perhaps now that I have a good supervisor who will be on my case regularly with things to get done and I do see how I need to finish as there are other opportunities available should I finally finish this degree, just maybe I’ll stop procrastinating and get my head back in the game!
-T π
