Creative Meanderings

On Monday, I had my sixth session with Karen, which left me feeling really excited and inspired to focus my attention on a few matters.

Our talk centered around my perceptions of debt. While I generally don’t stress about my debt because I just don’t really think about it, it does always linger in the back of my mind and causes me to feel a certain negative way.

We looked at it as perhaps starting somewhere in foster family 2 when I was first introduced to religion in a traumatic way and started to feel as if I should feel as if I owed them something for taking me in. When I think about owing somebody anything it upsets me because I start to feel trapped. I also feel as if something is being taken from me whether it is my dignity, identity or something physical.

This “tape recorder” then repeats itself as I continue to stay in debt. My sense of owing forever is confirmed by the financial debt that I continue to accrue.

Therefore, the goal is for me to believe that I am free despite my circumstances, whether it is money, debt or location. I always have choices and always have the ability to change the circumstances as long as I do not let my mind continue to entrap me into thinking I do not.

Karen called it a “prison wheel”, which is a good one. This is one wheel where I have a lot of paths that lead to it. 🙁

In any case, the end result is to “Be responsible for who I am being!” and “Don’t put off fulfilling my purpose.”

This led me to really think about pursuing writing more. I need to get myself more disciplined again towards writing, but I think it is definitely something I can do.

The final thought for this is that I have two more sessions left before I decide to continue or take a break until my finances are settled. I haven’t come to a decision just yet, but will have to soon….

-T 😀

After having some scheduling troubles over the weekend, I had my fifth session with Karen on Saturday. Usually, she doesn’t work on weekends, but to ensure that we stay on track she kindly made an exception given my little time mix-up on Friday. 😀

So, we focused mostly on money matters this session.

Her motto was “Be, Do, Have”. If you are what you want to be and act accordingly, then you will have all that you need and more. Most people live according to “Do, Have, Be”. This means that people believe that if they do things, then they will have and then be the kind of person they want. This perpetuates a cycle of discontent and unhappiness.

How does this relate to money? Well, I would fairly confidently say that most people are ruled by their desire to have money or have more money. Money is their center and for many their God. If we work hard enough (DO), then we will HAVE money and BE happy.

Thus, the point is to get a handle on our relationship with money.

For me, money has equaled instant gratification to purchase things, given me freedom to travel or allowed me to do the things that I want when I want. So, I’ve been in the DHB cycle rather than the BDH one.

We went back to when my relationship with money became what it is today. That day was when I decided to have an abortion at 18-years-old just when my life was opening up to college and the world beyond. By spending the money that I had saved, I felt guilty, less than perfect and stupid for having become pregnant and wasting my money on ending it.

This has led me to constantly reinforce in my tape recorder that says I am stupid and worthless, which reflects in the fact that I am in debt showing that the money I make now is indeed worthless (cuz I’ve already spent it) and I continue to feel stupid for being in debt. 🙂

So…by sorting myself out I can say that while it was not an ideal situation to get pregnant and make the decision to not have the child, it does not make me stupid or worthless as a person. In some ways, it was actually very smart because that decision has opened up the possibilities that I have made into my life today.

Therefore, while I do indeed need to work on getting my relationship straight with money, I can do so with a lighter feeling and look at it positively as taking responsibility for my actions and wanting to make the results different/better.

-T 😀

Last night was my second official session with Karen. I did have a follow-up session last week for the first session because it was more like a trial session and she wanted to give me a taste before I agreed to go fully with the program. So, last night was the second one.

There is a general pattern that she follows and works through, which is good so that I sort of know what to expect.

We started with what has been on my mind and since I have been trying hard to work on the dissertation this week, that was foremost – especially given my post yesterday. So, I explained how I feel about the dissertation and my sense of resignation that I was feeling. She moved into questions about how it makes me feel and what sort of thoughts go through my head.

This lead to an ultimate fear of failure and being seen as less than perfect because I have spent so much time, money and energy on pursuing it that my family and friends may be disappointed in me or think less of me should I not finish or that it should take longer than expected.

From this, she led me back to the source of these thoughts – when did this way of thinking all begin?

My last joyful memory of me as a child (or me ever perhaps) is what we titled “The Snowstorm Incidence”.

The facts = I was happy playing in the snow. I came inside and a woman was there. I no longer lived with my family. That’s all I remember.

The perceptions in my head = I was bad. I was wrong. I was not good enough. I was confused. I was sad. I was a victim.

The perceptions are what my brain kept and continued to use to protect me throughout my childhood when the same feelings arose. However, they are not true and I need to reprogram with “I AM AWESOME!”. 😛

Something interesting Karen pointed out was that I took the “good girl” route when trying to survive. I mentioned that my Korean name supposedly means “good girl”. To which she explained there are no coincidences and that my birth mother must have known the kind of person I would become in providing me with a name that meant it…. <awwww>

So, I feel better today about everything. I will look at the dissertation work as fun and something I am doing for fun, not as something that defines me in any way. Therefore, I do not need to stress. 🙂

My homework is to write 25 things that I am proud of about myself…. Not an easy task for me, but I will try before Friday!

-T 😀