Something that I have been pondering lately is my lack of ability to respond quickly to the questions – “What do you think?” or “How do you feel about x?” When I respond with “I don’t know”, it honestly means I do not know; not “I just don’t want to say what I know”, which is probably whatΒ most people mean.
I have noticed that this phenomenon is clearer to me since being on the meds. Sometimes thoughts enter my head and just as I start to sort it out, there’s a blank space, like whiteness.
When I’m asked the above questions, I see the same blank space in my mind. There are no floating thoughts or hidden feelings – it’s emptiness. This week I have wondered why this is exactly…. A friend asked me about the possibility of just giving a response immediately when asked. I said, yes, that would work if I had some thought. Usually, I go completely blank. No fear. No worry. No thought. Nothing. It then takes me hours or days, sometimes months, to process. I can usually give a response after it has been digested and it is usually filled with logic rather than emotion. So, am I suppressing the emotional side of me? Is it still there buried deep within? I have no idea.
Tomorrow is the next session with Karen, so I’m sure that I will bring it up and maybe have some insights later!
-T π
