Last night was my second official session with Karen. I did have a follow-up session last week for the first session because it was more like a trial session and she wanted to give me a taste before I agreed to go fully with the program. So, last night was the second one.
There is a general pattern that she follows and works through, which is good so that I sort of know what to expect.
We started with what has been on my mind and since I have been trying hard to work on the dissertation this week, that was foremost – especially given my post yesterday. So, I explained how I feel about the dissertation and my sense of resignation that I was feeling. She moved into questions about how it makes me feel and what sort of thoughts go through my head.
This lead to an ultimate fear of failure and being seen as less than perfect because I have spent so much time, money and energy on pursuing it that my family and friends may be disappointed in me or think less of me should I not finish or that it should take longer than expected.
From this, she led me back to the source of these thoughts – when did this way of thinking all begin?
My last joyful memory of me as a child (or me ever perhaps) is what we titled “The Snowstorm Incidence”.
The facts = I was happy playing in the snow. I came inside and a woman was there. I no longer lived with my family. That’s all I remember.
The perceptions in my head = I was bad. I was wrong. I was not good enough. I was confused. I was sad. I was a victim.
The perceptions are what my brain kept and continued to use to protect me throughout my childhood when the same feelings arose. However, they are not true and I need to reprogram with “I AM AWESOME!”. π
Something interesting Karen pointed out was that I took the “good girl” route when trying to survive. I mentioned that my Korean name supposedly means “good girl”. To which she explained there are no coincidences and that my birth mother must have known the kind of person I would become in providing me with a name that meant it…. <awwww>
So, I feel better today about everything. I will look at the dissertation work as fun and something I am doing for fun, not as something that defines me in any way. Therefore, I do not need to stress. π
My homework is to write 25 things that I am proud of about myself…. Not an easy task for me, but I will try before Friday!
-T π
