So I am a little behind in updating on the coaching sessions. I am continuing although I do sometimes go back and forth on whether or not I should due to costs. However, as I often say to people there is no price limit for mental health and stability. Plus, Karen is good at reminding me how without the coaching my subconscious mind will continue to win over the conscious one. π
In session 8 we addressed some of my issues with Halloween and dressing up in costumes. I had been feeling like it was time for me to admit that my hatred for the silly holiday was imbedded in other issues. In talking about how I dislike pretending to be something that I am not even for a day, we discovered that there are a couple of incidences: “The left-handed incident” and “The China-doll incident”.
“The left-handed incident” is about me being punished for being left-handed when I was in my second adopted family. I was told that the reason I was bad because of something that is natural. They would tie my hand behind my back so that I could not use it. From this I began to believe that I was bad and that there was something wrong with the natural me. Once removed from that I determined that I would no longer be anything but me – ie no costumes!
“The China-doll incident” is about when I first moved to the Bilyeus and my mom thought it would be a nice costume for me to dress up as a China-doll. I remember not being wholly into it in the first place, but then after going to houses and having to explain myself I felt awful. Besides that, I’m not even Chinese! Thus, I again reaffirmed that no one was going to get me into another costume or force me to be something I am not.
In fact, I often think other people are crazy to want to enjoy Halloween or dressing up. So, the separation of truth and fact is that no where has it been said that I cannot be me or that the natural me is bad. People dress up for fun and to enjoy themselves, so I should be happy for them with confidence in the fact that I can choose not to participate for equal reasons. π
Session 9 was last night as I chose to skip last week due to feeling stressed out and worried about the Apple training. Karen wanted to focus on that as she felt that my fatigue was coming from a ‘virus’.
Seems she was not wrong! Although the Apple training is definitely a great opportunity, a part of me feels torn about it because my true love is writing. While I would love to move into consulting rather than doing what I do now, it is still not the answer to following my dreams. So, I struggle with the idea that I need to make money and a belief that I cannot do it by writing. Where did that idea come from?
From the time I was eight-years-old I knew that I wanted to be a writer. I remember a conversation with my dad about it and him telling me that it was not a bad dream, but that I should look for something that makes money. That practical and guiding statement crushed my eight-year-old dream. It was not intentional by any means; but how did I know that I could not make money writing? I did not. However, I told myself this by letting that statement block me from pursuing a future in writing for real.
When this came out, I felt a little sad. It almost feels as if I have been wasting my life…. Of course, I do not regret or discount what I have accomplished in my life. Yet, I could have been making good money writing for a living had I not let myself believe that it was not a viable option for my future. However, now I can make that dream into reality. So, that is the focus of my future now.
Although I felt quite tired when I first began the 9th session with Karen, by the end I definitely felt better and more inspired to look at ways to put my dream plan into action. Thus, credit must be given to this coaching process!
-T π
