I’m gonna go dark for a couple of days just to allow myself some time and space to reflect on the New Year. Plus, I got a bunch of other stuff to do. π
Dec 312013
Dec 302013
So, it has now been over a week since I have been completely off the Cipralex.
I must say I definitely have gone through ups and downs; however, I cannot say for sure how much was the decrease or how much was the events around me. In general, I feel pretty good.
One interesting and annoying side effect I have had is zaps of dizziness. There is no pain to speak of, but I will suddenly get this rush past the front of my brain that sounds like a zzzaaaappp and then I’ll feel dizzy for a moment. Some days it happens a lot and others less. When I am more tired, I notice it more. I do hope that it will pass soon, though.
It is possible that I will start to struggle soon with my ups and downs, but am hoping that the routines and structure I have in place now will keep me focused on staying balanced in the middle. We shall see.
That’s my update and last one for a while on the Cipralex. It was good to be on it for the past nine months and it is possible that I will go on it again in the future. However, I am hoping that I can maintain a balance without it as I see how the side effects can be less beneficial over time. π
-T π
Dec 292013
It is always hard to be away from my family during the holidays. Thankfully, I have a really awesome group of friends here who help to make the holiday season pass by with love and laughs.
Last night was a post-Christmas feast. It was potluck style and, boy was it delicious! I can’t wait to eat leftovers today of everything. hehe. (I did forget to take pics of the food, what?!)
Everything was put together nicely – pat on my back and thanks to R for his help – and I think everyone had a decent time.
I love my peeps! <3
-T π
Dec 282013
…or something like that! π
Each day gets a little bit better. This morning I woke up with a less heavy heart and a return of light in my spirit.
I have come to realize just how great my friends really are and at how much I have changed in letting friends become so much to me. Usually, I have tried to keep people at a distance, only letting a few get close. However, the more I learn about myself and observe others, the more I realize we are all the same.
We need one another to share in our joys and woes. We all think we need to keep ourselves protected, but that goes against the very essence of what we need. We need to show love and share pieces of ourselves because that opens doors and allows others to do the same. In our sharing, we build trust and find common experiences in which to commiserate or celebrate together. Through that, we bond and develop love, which gives us the support that we need.
Living as an expat makes this difficult, especially if you are introverted and introspective as I. Plus, I got trust issues! However, I am so very lucky to have such amazing friends right now that I realize that letting people in ain’t so bad after all. π
So, although life is not all bowls of joyful jelly, I’m gonna get through and not be held down.
-T π
Dec 272013
When I was doing my life coach sessions, Karen would often remind me that everyone’s greatest fear is of being alone. This made sense to me. However, I think I have a greater fear than that – being abandoned.
Since I was a year old, I have been repeatedly abandoned. By the time I was eight I had been abandoned at least six times. No wonder my relationships were never all that healthy either and in the end, I get abandoned in them as well. Now, after investing four and a half years of my life into something I thought had great potential, I am abandoned again.
It is not fear of being alone that hits me hard, it’s the ability of the other person to let me go so easily. Although I think on an intellectual level that I’m a pretty damn good person to have around, the emotional side takes over. I ask myself “What did I do wrong?” “Why am I so easy to let go of?” “Maybe I’m not worth anything to anyone?” According to Karen, these are the viruses and the hamster wheel that threaten to take over my life.
Yesterday, I went out for coffee with a good friend. We had a really lovely and long chat. I felt pretty good and calm. Then, I went grocery shopping and by the time I got home the dark cloud had taken over my body completely. I promptly went to take a nap and stayed in bed for three hours. I slept, I read and I cried and cried.
By the time I got up, it was dark and I was alone in the apartment. I decided to down a bottle of cider in hopes of drowning my sorrow, so I took my drink to the balcony and cried, drank, cried and drank some more. It helped to numb my feelings for a while, but left behind the depression.
Although R tried to be kind and normal, I found it be annoying. How can he pretend? How can he be so disgustingly nice now that we are not defined in a relationship? How can he make it look so easy as if he has no hurt or sadness? I couldn’t be around him. So, I spent the evening alone in the office, watching TV on my computer until I could go back to bed.
I slept on and off throughout the night, but have decided to pull my head out now. I had an afternoon to grieve and that is important to allow. However, I cannot wallow or let the darkness win. There’s much in life to be happy about and focusing on those things will be key to keeping me going.
So, I do not fear being alone so much as being abandoned. Of course, this is connected to ultimately being alone. However, my defense mechanism wants to prefer staying alone forever over having to risk being abandoned again….
-T π
Dec 262013
There’s a heaviness in my heart that threatens now and then to turn into a darkness. So far, I have been keeping it away and focusing my mind on the things I should be happy about. This is no easy feat.
Now that Christmas has passed, I can start reflecting and preparing for the upcoming new year. We still have a Christmas party to get through that will be both wonderful and sad at the same time. After three years of celebrating together, this will probably be the last. Each year, I have worked so hard to make it a joyful and festive time despite being away from home and loved ones. One side of my mind is trying to tell me it was all a waste and the other is focused on the fun that we have had. In between, my heart aches.
So, what now? The old voices bring up my fears. I shall now be alone. Maybe I will be alone forever. Who will know if I need help or be around to give me a hug? Who will take care of me when I am sick or sad? When will I truly laugh again? My heart aches.
The new voices bring up all the possibilities of what I can do now. I can go anywhere in the world. I can focus on me. Maybe, even, I can find someone who will be perfect for me. In the end, I guess it is time for me to learn how to be alone and happy with it. I have an excellent group of friends both nearby and around the world. This is what I should focus on and allow the heart to ache with continued hope of a bright future.
I’m trying. It’s hard. I no longer have drugs to numb my senses. So…everything is starting fresh. <sigh> It’s hard.
-T π
Dec 252013
After receiving such lovely gifts and going out the other night, yesterday was a complete 180 away from that.
It’s strange how small triggers in our minds can set off huge storms in our interactions with others. The voices that we let override logic control so much of our behavior and reactions. It is a shame when the results are negative and we cannot see how the negativity completely derails our lives.
So, a while back, I posted about possible changes and things I was processing on a personal level. One of those things was changing my living situation. My current one has been good for quite some time, but there has been a slow downgrade lately.
On top of that, yesterday, we had a blow out over something very trivial in and of itself. However, it caused such a commotion that all has been called off. In a way, it makes my decisions easier. Of course, as with anything you’ve had for a long time and been emotionally invested in, it hurts and is extremely sad.
Life goes on. Too bad we couldn’t have made it peacefully through the holidays, but I suppose in some ways it is better to not pretend just for the sake of a holiday…. π
Nothing will change right away for me, but the wheels are turning.
-T π
Dec 242013
The other day we were walking through the mall and I wanted to stop in a watch store just to see if they had anything interesting. I mentioned that recently I was into the rose gold color and the kind that I really like I could not afford. R asked me what ones and I said Michael Kors. Oh how I love Michael Kors still.
When we got home, R sent me a page with different watches and said to pick one because he would buy it for me for Christmas. What?! π So, I chose this one first:
R also liked it and so he started calling in Abu Dhabi to see if the Michael Kors shop had it. They didn’t, but said a couple of other possible stores in the mall might.
Yesterday, we went for a drive to Abu Dhabi Mall. We haven’t been there in perhaps a year since it isn’t very convenient to get to or different from ones that are closer to us.
Anyway, we stopped into the Paris Gallery and found the Michael Kors collection of watches. They didn’t have the one above exactly, but one similar to it. It was a simple and classic watch, much like the style of ones I have in gold and silver. However, R started looking at other ones and found two that we both really liked. I liked one more than the other and he liked the other more than the one I liked. So, what to do when a tough decision is faced?
Get them both! What?! π
Yep, he bought both of them for me. I tried to convince him that only one was more than enough, but he went ahead and got both. The top one is yellow gold with tortoise shell and the bottom one is rose gold with tortoise shell. So, now I’m totally decked out in pretty watches!!
I think it may be the first time for him to buy such expensive gifts, though he has bought nice gifts for me before. In any case, who am I to refuse? π
Merry Christmas!
-T π
Dec 232013
It’s that time of year again when I can finally relax and try to put all my thoughts together again. I may not write so much here as I start to settle my mind into some things.
The good news is that I’m doing quite well nearly off the Cipralex. I have had some vertigo issues, which may be one side effect of coming off, but overall I think I’m doing well. My crazy highs are less now, which is probably a good thing for everyone around me. I’m staying positive though, so that’s great.
My project on the book is finished. I will write up on that maybe later. So, I’m working on baby steps with PhD work and taking care of things I’ve been putting off. π
All is good!
-T π
Dec 182013
I’m on another writing project, so I am trying to stay ahead of the deadline. It is strange that I can actually put myself together when it means there is money involved and when it is doing something that I enjoy.
However, I do have a goal for my PhD for the next three weeks. It’s just about the baby steps. π
-T
