There’s a heaviness in my heart that threatens now and then to turn into a darkness. So far, I have been keeping it away and focusing my mind on the things I should be happy about. This is no easy feat.
Now that Christmas has passed, I can start reflecting and preparing for the upcoming new year. We still have a Christmas party to get through that will be both wonderful and sad at the same time. After three years of celebrating together, this will probably be the last. Each year, I have worked so hard to make it a joyful and festive time despite being away from home and loved ones. One side of my mind is trying to tell me it was all a waste and the other is focused on the fun that we have had. In between, my heart aches.
So, what now? The old voices bring up my fears. I shall now be alone. Maybe I will be alone forever. Who will know if I need help or be around to give me a hug? Who will take care of me when I am sick or sad? When will I truly laugh again? My heart aches.
The new voices bring up all the possibilities of what I can do now. I can go anywhere in the world. I can focus on me. Maybe, even, I can find someone who will be perfect for me. In the end, I guess it is time for me to learn how to be alone and happy with it. I have an excellent group of friends both nearby and around the world. This is what I should focus on and allow the heart to ache with continued hope of a bright future.
I’m trying. It’s hard. I no longer have drugs to numb my senses. So…everything is starting fresh. <sigh> It’s hard.
-T π
