When I was doing my life coach sessions, Karen would often remind me that everyone’s greatest fear is of being alone. This made sense to me. However, I think I have a greater fear than that – being abandoned.
Since I was a year old, I have been repeatedly abandoned. By the time I was eight I had been abandoned at least six times. No wonder my relationships were never all that healthy either and in the end, I get abandoned in them as well. Now, after investing four and a half years of my life into something I thought had great potential, I am abandoned again.
It is not fear of being alone that hits me hard, it’s the ability of the other person to let me go so easily. Although I think on an intellectual level that I’m a pretty damn good person to have around, the emotional side takes over. I ask myself “What did I do wrong?” “Why am I so easy to let go of?” “Maybe I’m not worth anything to anyone?” According to Karen, these are the viruses and the hamster wheel that threaten to take over my life.
Yesterday, I went out for coffee with a good friend. We had a really lovely and long chat. I felt pretty good and calm. Then, I went grocery shopping and by the time I got home the dark cloud had taken over my body completely. I promptly went to take a nap and stayed in bed for three hours. I slept, I read and I cried and cried.
By the time I got up, it was dark and I was alone in the apartment. I decided to down a bottle of cider in hopes of drowning my sorrow, so I took my drink to the balcony and cried, drank, cried and drank some more. It helped to numb my feelings for a while, but left behind the depression.
Although R tried to be kind and normal, I found it be annoying. How can he pretend? How can he be so disgustingly nice now that we are not defined in a relationship? How can he make it look so easy as if he has no hurt or sadness? I couldn’t be around him. So, I spent the evening alone in the office, watching TV on my computer until I could go back to bed.
I slept on and off throughout the night, but have decided to pull my head out now. I had an afternoon to grieve and that is important to allow. However, I cannot wallow or let the darkness win. There’s much in life to be happy about and focusing on those things will be key to keeping me going.
So, I do not fear being alone so much as being abandoned. Of course, this is connected to ultimately being alone. However, my defense mechanism wants to prefer staying alone forever over having to risk being abandoned again….
-T π
