Seems like most days this is how we are hanging on.
Although a fog has lifted from my mind the past couple of days, I feel as if the strength I have in me is weak and fragile. Each day I wake up a little happier, but then something can be said or read or done and I struggle with the possible spiral that will shift my mood downwards. It is a constant struggle to stay on the positive side.
M and I were discussing suicidal thoughts and whether or not it is a normal thing amongst people. Is it common or is it strange to have them come up especially as an adult?
I have had them more recently, reminiscent of my darker unaware days. It is a sense of guilt towards those who would be left behind that keeps me present in this world – to be completely honest.
Yet, a voice inside says “Yes, but their lives would go on.”
While another voice says “True, but how would I affect the trajectory of their lives by not being here or taking it away on my own…can I live with the eternal or next life consequences? Or can I just push through to see this life by giving it the best that I can?”
Perhaps this is simply my ego talking – after all who am I to think I would have any effect at all…?
Often I wonder at those who do take their lives. What was it that finally pushed them to take action in such a way? What was the justification that gave them the sense of okay?
M says my/our brains are just wired this way – to be strong, to find a way through. My question is then – to what end/purpose? Why am I not yet fulfilling my life purpose? What am I meant to be doing or sharing with the world still that my mind says “No, it is not yet your time.”?
He wants to believe that everyone thinks about taking their own lives at different moments in life. I tend to think this is not the case or that it is a matter of degree in which the thought is given brain time.
I believe some people never even have it cross their mind once in life. Those people I envy immensely. I imagine some people may have had thoughts as teens during a first heartache or drama and then never thought it again because life does go on. Then, there are those who perhaps at some point in teenage years or early adulthood who faced it head on. Perhaps, like me, the pills were piled up and ready to be taken. Or, it was just a flash of a moment when an action could have ended it then.
However, as adults, we never really talk about suicidal thoughts or tendencies. We are deemed crazy or in need of psychological treatment – which still may be true – if we do, but perhaps for some of us it is just one of our challenges to be dealt with periodically. If this is so, then the answer for M is that “no, it is not common.” Yet, as we continue living we do find a way and a reason to get through the days until we forget these thoughts for this cycle.
As I work through this phase of it and look for my greater purpose, I come closer to realizing I need to share my story – in other words, write more and publish it for others. It is time. I am old enough to be heard and brave enough to let it out. Perhaps then I will feel and know – to what end.
Until then, I hold on to the bare threads with all the strength I have got.
~T 😀
December 2016
