When Skies are Grey….

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 072016
 

Well, winter is definitely here. The past few days or even the past week has brought in the moisture with increased humidity and foggy mornings. As I write this now, my view is becoming greyer and greyer.

There are times when I think about my Oregon life and wonder why I do not live there. Then, days like this come along and while everyone else might be reveling in the change of weather or at least diversity of weather – I am not. I do not like the grey e-v-e-r. It does indeed greatly affect my mood and although there are many factors to my current frame of mind, this definitely does not help.

Yet, in a way I am glad that the weather reflects my mood because it gives me something tangible to relate to rather than just what is inside my head. Also, it helps to remind me that there are sunny skies to return just as I know that somehow life will return to its high again.

So, while my brain sings “…please don’t take my sunshine away…” my heart soars a little more than yesterday. I call that progress! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

“Buck Up, Buttercup”

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 052016
 

My husband said this to me on the way out the door this morning due to my seemingly worsening mood/state of mind.

First off the season is changing. I know that sounds strange in a place like AD, but truly there are more clouds, it is getting cooler and I think there was even some sort of moisture in the air yesterday or the day before. πŸ˜› So, it is indeed becoming ‘winter’ here, which in some ways is nice because I can be outside more, but as I do not have a balcony to get me out the door I have not put in the effort to simply get myself downstairs and outside. Or, like yesterday, out of the door at all. (Well, I did get out every two hours to go downstairs for laundry…. πŸ˜‰ )

While I am generally a morning person and getting up early is not a struggle, I have been finding myself sleeping straight through until about 6:30am and then avoiding having to get out of bed until M has waited as long as he can to start getting ready for work. Instead of pushing him out the door so that I can start my day, I want him to stay with me all day….

Although I have things to go out and do I am equally happy to put them off to another day. For the past few days that I have been on my own, I spend it in front of the computer writing – which is good – but really fighting the urge to sit in front of the TV and let it suck my will to live.

Therefore, I think it is probably safe to say I am officially in a depressive state. No wonder my yoga business is not moving – I am stuck. However, four days ago I joined a seven-day yoga teacher challenge to re-evaluate my brand/business through an FB group. Yesterday was about how to align ourselves and way of life with our target audience/clients and the brand.

This morning I wrote three ways to align myself if my target clients are those who are depressed, have anxiety or are stressed (like me!).

1) meditate on goals and truly visualize them as success – what do i look like having reached those goals?;

2) get on the mat even when I am not “feeling it” – building a discipline and habit can provide the support needed when feeling down;

3) take time to truly relax – sauna, swim, veg out – whatever it maybe. Restorative practice works on the mat, but finding ways to release stress off the mat is equally important.

Along with my new daily Lord’s prayer routine, I need to add these three. Maybe then I’ll ‘buck up’!!! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

Renewing Old Faith

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 042016
 

For a few months I have been processing in my mind what and where my faith has gone. Over the past year of yoga teacher training, I have discovered the gift of meditation and seen a woman of strong faith fight to believe in the sutras – philosophical texts – because she cannot reconcile that the sutras are like the Bible – guides for a way of life.

Since the end of my first marriage I have pushed aside my religious faith in terms of social gatherings for the purpose of praising the Lord or studying His word regularly.

This is not the say that my belief has disappeared or died, but I have spent my time exploring other ways to look at God, the Bible and believing in aΒ more holistic presence in the world. I have also spent a lot of time looking into my own power within the mind and by my actions. In the true heart of David, I have questioned and explored God over the years.

As I have continued to ponder these larger than life mysteries, I have also been slowly considering perhaps it is time to come back to the basics in Christianity – prayer, the Bible and faith. While I have learned how to control my actions and thoughts so that they are productive rather than destructive, I have been missing an element – presence of the universe/God within me.

Then, last week I got a writing job to research a topic that involves the Bible. As I began the work and found myself needing to reference my own Bible, I felt as if I was being called back. Already without thought I had been meditating in prayer and using the Lord’s prayer as a basis to begin my practice. However, I have been missing the regular input of the Word into my life and mind. When I picked up my Bible again to look up a text, I found that my hands missed turning the pages and my mind was eager to dive into the text. Although I still maintained a modern, skeptic’s eye, it was still somehow comforting to be in that mindset again.

So, again this morning as I sat in short meditation, I began with the Lord’s prayer. Somehow it felt different – more real, more true – in my heart and mind. Thus, I have decided that given the season I shall read the ‘Christmas’ story again. It is all in good timing as we decided this weekend we will be staying here to celebrate instead of going home as planned all year…. My heart aches a little and needs some comfort. Seems like a perfect time to renew my faith and find peace in the Word of God again. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Gone Country

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 032016
 

One of my favorite genres of music is country. Yes, it is true. It is not something I advertise widely given such strong feelings people have either for or against it. However, it truly makes me happy, move my feet and want to dance.

Before summer, we went quite a few times to ‘Country Night’ which is dj’d by a colleague of M’s who is Welsh. He really does an amazing job of putting a good mix together. Of course, I know most of the songs and sing my heart out. πŸ˜€

After summer, the interested died down and we had not been able to go. Therefore, the nights have changed from weekly to monthly. Last night was November’s Β Country Night. It was so much fun!!!!

We danced, we drank, we laughed and I avoided having to get on the mechanical bull. M was the first on and then our new friends gave it a go. For me…not so much. πŸ˜› It was a good time providing a few moments of bliss forgetting our woes and challenges of life. Country music makes me feel at home and think about life a bit more simply.

So, I am feeling as if there will be more country on the stereo now! Poor M! πŸ˜‰

~T πŸ˜€

 Posted by at 09:28

My Adoption Journey – 5E: Another Birth Family Development

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 022016
 

It has been a while since there has been any development about my birth family search. In all honesty I had put it on the back burner to simmer until I was ready to do anything else or until something else came up.

Back in August of last year, I posted on the results of a DNA test taken by my potential aunt. They were negative. I agreed to leave her alone from that point forward when she was no longer willing to answer questions that I had as it still seemed quite odd that the adoption agency in Korea had no doubts that it was her family that I came from. Still, I wanted to be respectful so I stopped communication with her.

Before she had agreed to all of this, I had done a bit of digging on FB for the daughters of the woman who is said to be my birthmother. She had two with the American man she married. I sent them both an FB message privately and did not receive any responses due to FB’s filtering system.

In June of this year, I did reach out to the man she married (the girls’ father) whom I also found on FB. Again, it was a long shot that it would even get seen.

Well, it did just the other day. One of the daughters sent me a message saying her father had gotten my message and then she checked hers. She said she was happy to answer any questions if she could. We have had a quick chat, but she does not know much more than what I know – unfortunately. There is one possible action, but she is pondering it for now.

In the meantime, her aunt HS is upset. Why?! I received a message from her basically threatening me to stop ‘pestering’ her family. Perhaps I am not yet ready to see her side of it, but as far as I am concerned I have not gone beyond her wishes. I made my initial contact years before she was willing to help me. It is not my doing that now is when the contact has come to some kind of result. Nor is it against our agreement that I would not contact her any further. I understand that perhaps she feels as if she took care of the situation and now she is involved in it again – Korean families – but as I nicely explained to her – this is MY story not hers. I have the freedom to explore further and if someone else in her extended family wants to help me, then that is his/her choice, not the aunt’s. I am being as respectful as I can and am not pushing for anything – just asking what people know and offering options or looking for help where possible.

Maybe I am wrong in this, but I am not yet seeing it.

So, that’s the new ‘drama’ in this interesting search. The real question is, if she is not my birthmother then what IS the story that brought our families together…? There is a story there somewhere. There are missing pieces for sure…, so the detective in me continues to let the clues fall into place. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Last Month of 2016

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 012016
 

Wow, it is so hard to believe that 2016 is coming to an end and to reflect on the year that it has been.

A year ago, we were 20 days from getting legally married. A year ago, I was making my decision to quit my full-time job to embark on the crazy path of running my own business and taking my work a different direction. A year ago, life was layered with a sense of security and stability with excitement of what was coming. Amazing what a year can bring.

It will be exciting to celebrate our first year of marriage even with its rocky moments. We have stayed strong and in love. I am ever more amazed at who M is at heart and his own capacity to endure, overcome and press on. My heart is full with his love and presence in my life – it is beyond comforting to know that he is by my side for all the years to come.

I do not regret for a moment giving up my full-time work. It was making me miserable every day and although the regular paycheck was something I took for granted, I am definitely at peace with the decision to try something new. I admit that taking on the task of starting my own business at my age and in this field, but I have faith and belief that it will take off and by creating some other areas for revenue, I will be able to have a more than successful business that will eventually run itself. So, I am not afraid of the hard work that may be required – just got to keep pressing on.

On the other side, I will honestly admit that I miss the false sense of security and stability that I had. Even knowing that it was false because I still had debt and bills, etc., it was one less source of stress. I do know; however, that in the long run facing full on these debts and bills is the better way of life. Once we are ahead, we will truly be ahead without anything hidden behind it. So, despite all the years of having a steady income, I still contributed to the creation of our current situation by living beyond my means and ignoring the consequences that could come. Therefore, I face where we are fully accepting my role and responsibility in it by being extremely thankful for the experiences and travels I had. Now, we work together to bring ourselves wholly secure and stable so that our future experiences and travel will be even more rewarding.

So, as I look back over the past year as we enter into the last month of 2016, I realize that despite my recent struggle to stay upbeat, there is much to be happy and content about. Therefore, I shall continue to enjoy what the closing of the year has to bring over the next month.

~T πŸ˜€

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