Creative Meanderings

On the whole, I dislike people. Hate might even be more accurate even though it is stronger and seemingly horrible to say. 

On an individual basis, I like a person or persons. Very few individuals make it love. 

Perhaps it is my nature that makes me this way toward people. I mean, it is not exactly as if I started out life well in developing trust, love, dependency and openness towards the people I came across. However, if you look at history and analyse people as a whole, I think you would be hard-pressed to not agree with me. 

People are generally selfish, stupid, weak, lacking creativity, mindless and overall A-holes. Yes, I mean this.

At the same time, there are individuals that are capable of greatness. Now, this greatness can work towards leading people to be greater A-holes – take Hitler, for example. Or, this greatness can work towards leading people to be amazingly loving, open, caring and hope providers for the likes of me. 

If I were to ask you to name great A-holes, I think this would come easily. How about if I ask you to name great positive individuals that contributed to the betterment of humanity? I am guessing this is a lot harder. Why?

Those who lead people to be better people rarely get or take credit. It requires people to not be selfish and recognize that it was not their great idea or benevolence that made them great; but rather it was an individual. Take Ghandi, for example. He is attributed as a great inspirational leader. For the most part, he protested and led people to unite for a common cause through non-violent actions. His actions had great effect. His credit has been given, but compare his fame with that of Hitler.

There is a great imbalance in our world and in society. I blame PEOPLE. 

It is time for people to step up and stop being A-holes. Let the individuals who are capable of greatness lead the people toward a united greatness. This is what will make our world a better place. If you do not have such a person to follow, then don’t wait to follow – be the one who leads! 🙏🏽

~T 😀

Getting different perspectives and opinions can be a challenging thing as everyone means well in their advice, they may even be correct in what they say and yet, they are not in my/our shoes.

Yesterday, I posted about being more optimistic and coming to a compromise about our decisions. This has not really changed, yet just one conversation can make me rethink how I was feeling just 24 hours before.

There does come a time when over thinking can cause problems. Even though others’ opinions are so valued and loved, I have to be careful about letting them sway me or causing disruptions in the agreements made at home between the two people who are directly affected by these thoughts.

Probably, the biggest problem is although we have choices, we do not have definite options. In other words, while we can argue/discuss going to the Philippines, France, Japan or elsewhere we only speculate with this choices. Neither of us actually have jobs, neither of us have the funds to make the move happen, only one of us has the freedom to even go anywhere at the moment, and so it is a little bit like being in quicksand. If we move one way, it may sink us deeper; if we do not move at all, it will not improve our situation; we are holding on barely to a thin stick that may or may not have enough solidity for us to pull ourselves out….

So, I am trying to create other options. I am applying for freelance writing work in hopes that one of those will turn into something long-term with a steady income. I am looking at possible jobs in Nice, or even Japan (despite M’s preference elsewhere). Until we actually have options to choose from, we only through out a lot of possible choices with no backing. It is meaningless to have arguments/discussions on what-ifs.

Therefore, rather than over thinking, it is time to think over what we can do. Also, there is something to be said for a little more patience.

I was writing in my journal today questions of “How long…”. How long do we hope everything will work out? How long do I wait to look for full-time work? How long do I simply have faith that my husband will make the income we need? How long does it take to realize we need to try something else? How long…. The facetious answer is:  As long as it takes. The realistic answer is:  Until it does. The optimistic answer is:  It will soon. Somewhere in these answers lies the combination of truth….

We are truly in the hands of God and the Universe to throw us a solid bone that tells us what to do and where to go.

Until then, breathe in – breathe out, and smile!

~T 😀

When I decided to get married again, I determined that there was absolutely no way that I would consider divorce again. When I set my mind to decisions of such extraordinary importance there is generally nothing to make me waiver from it – no matter how tough things get.

In my first marriage, I never considered divorce as an option, but then I believed that he would love and protect me above all other things. That turned out to have conditions on it – to which I rebelled and ensured that the ties would be cut completely. Yet, the painful truth in that case was that I did not really love him enough to endure it to the end. Plus, I could not see that he would ever change to become the person who would actually love and protect me above all other things – unconditionally.

In M, I saw the immensity of his love and commitment to bring happiness into my life no matter what. I knew that he came from a similar experience in losing his first marriage and believed in his ability to learn from his mistakes – like me – to make our marriage work above all other things.

As a strong-willed, strong-minded, and independent woman, it is difficult to find a balance between being a loving, supportive and periodically submissive as a wife and staying true to my nature as an individual. 

The individual me is a problem-solver and looks for actionables that will result in fixing a given situation. I am not afraid to do what it takes to ensure that basic needs and stability can be brought into our lives – even if it means short-term sacrifices as a wife.

The wife me is supportive and loving trying to give her husband the space and faith that he will do and does everything in his power to ensure that basic needs and stability are brought into our lives – even if it means short-term sacrifices as an individual.

How do I stay true to my nature and also be the kind of wife that has absolutely no intention of divorcing her husband, when the only viable solution known to us at the moment is for me to leave him for a short-term? How do I know what is the best choice for us? Or, even at the moment, how do I become okay with not having a choice? Is it my arrogance, entitlement and short-fuse that is blinding me from having the humility, patience and compassion to believe that truly everything will work itself out?

So, in the name of love, I wait patiently and faithfully hope that this conflict within me will be a passing moment in our lives and soon I’ll read back on this post wondering how I could have possibly felt this way….

~T 😀