There is a habit that I became acutely aware of back in my life coaching training days. It is our need to respond to others by either devaluing, minimizing or dismissing their experience. Seemingly benign, innocent or even empathetic statements can have this effect even when we think we are doing the opposite.
For example, let’s say that your partner brings home dessert to have after dinner. You take the dessert, put it in the fridge and either forget about it or just put it on the table without a word.
Or, perhaps someone complains to you that they feel under-appreciated at home or at work. You respond with your own story of how your colleague or partner or family makes you feel the same way. Or even simply say, “I’m sure we all feel that way sometimes.”
What about if you complain about being tired all the time and the response you get is “You just need a good night’s sleep” or “Take a nap and you’ll feel better.”?
These may seem like normal responses and situations. They may happen to you or you may say them to others all of the time.
Yet, take a careful look.
In the first example, the partner’s contribution and emotional effort to bring home something special for the home/you is devalued due to lack of recognition for what was put forward by them. An easy way to avoid this is to respond with gratitude and perhaps even excitement. Although you might think it seems disingenuous to show this kind of response (especially if it is a regular thing), consider how much you enjoy praise and thanks – don’t you think others deserve that enjoyment too?
In the second example, the minimization of the person’s feelings is so common. People always want to appear empathetic rather than sympathetic to another person’s experiences. How many times do we interrupt or interject in someone’s story to express how we have also been wronged or had a relatable offense happen to us? Even though the intended effect might be to ensure that the person knows they are not alone, instead it can cause a person to feel as if their experiences are not unique and important, which they are – because the experience is unique and important to them. So, it is best to let that person express their version of their truth and be allowed the freedom to process according to their own experience. Listen, acknowledge and soothe if necessary, but remember the story is not about you or the world.
The final example expresses a very common method of dismissing someone’s feelings. Instead of offering a solution it is probably more ideal to consider why the feelings are there. Are you tired because you are doing too much and need to learn to take care of yourself? Are you feeling ill and perhaps need rest so your body can heal? I am not saying that you should interrogate the person who expresses a feeling to avoid dismissal. I am saying to ask good questions, again just listen and perhaps simply ask “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”.
There is so much in how we respond to others that can be so small and yet have a massive effect. When a person, like me, is introverted, sensitive and has up and down tendencies, these minor matters can be quite huge. Although I appear rough and tough on the outside in my manner, my inside is just as soft as anyone else’s.
Of course, there are plenty of times when I think my woes, stresses and such are more important, bigger or worse than EVERYONE else’s – perhaps to me they are! Still, I, too, have to remember and try hard not to devalue, minimize or dismiss others around me.
~T 😀
