There is a delicate balance between just enough angst to stimulate creativity and maintaining the joy of contentment. When I think that I have achieved this balance, there is a sense of wariness and unease as to when it might all go off the rocker. I blame this on PTSD rather than skepticism or pessimism. However, the real truth is that everything is temporary, even the calm.
Instead, the literature and talk in psychology or world of mindfulness/meditation is to maintain your ‘cool’ when the carefully balanced blocks do fall down, because they inevitably will.
For me, I get these tightened gut moments when I am not writing regularly or being physically lazy even though my mind tries to tell me that this is what I really want or need.
Take for example, yesterday. I finally joined a gym in my neighborhood – a sign that life is settling and we are stabilizing. Yesterday was the first day of my ‘contract’. I made a weekly plan for the classes I can take and the times I’ll go to use the gym equipment. With my schedule this week, I can do classes in the evening on Monday, Thursday and Friday with gym time on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. The weekends are a kind of “play-it-by-ear” method since our plans are fluid and I try to remain open to ‘spontaneous’ activity on the weekends. So, I had a rather long ‘intellectual’ day with an early morning lesson and felt tired on the way home. I had an internal struggle with myself about whether or not to go to the gym since the timing was off where I had to wait 30 minutes for the hot yoga class. Asking for others to tell me what to do, my hubby reminded me that I always feel better after I exercise.
He was right. Although I disliked the waiting, I felt so much better having fulfilled my plan for the day and getting in exercise. It even motivated me more to get to the gym this morning before work. It will take a bit to get into a routine and figure what is best regarding my gear and clothes. Still, I feel more energetic and ‘happy’ having this element back in my life.
Likewise, writing now and getting back to my journal writing regularly helps me to feel more balanced and stable. With these outlets to both release and receive energy, I can let go of any doubts about the tightrope of life we walk on. Instead of it being a thin rope, I start to see it as a wide path.
All this to say, although I could blame external factors in my life for a lack of balance or my cynicism. The truth is that the responsibility in this life is mine. It’s my responsibility to make choices that help me bring balance, to feel healthy and happy with myself. If I choose to believe in the possibilities of anything and everything, then they become so. The trick is then accepting when the universe and God bring them into fullness in my life!
So, I am owning up to my choices and re-establishing my routines to ensure that this equilibrium I am feeling starts to become the ‘norm’ rather than a rarity.
~T π
