The Self: Part 2

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 242018
 

This week has been #singlelife for me as M is away visiting family. It’s the first time in almost two years that we have been apart for so long or without stress related to our time apart.

Even though I obviously miss him, it has been a fruitful time for me. 

For a while now, maybe a couple of years, I have felt less like myself despite how I may have appeared on the outside. There are a number of factors that probably contributed to this:  quitting my job (something I really wanted/needed to do), massive financial struggles, changes in lifestyle, etc. etc. During this period of time, I had to depend on other people like I have never ever done before and it is something that I am NOT very good at doing. 

With an early childhood like mine, where there was no one to depend on unconditionally, I naturally learned to rely only on myself for that which I held dear. I shared nothing of value to me with anyone – even with those whom I had grown to trust and love. 

The truth is that I would dare to say that a very small number of people in my life truly know me:  know what makes me cry (because emotions are sacred to me), know what my deepest thoughts about the world are, know what is actually important to me when it comes to this life and those I love, or know my expressions in all that I value. 

As a young idealistic youth, I thought that if people really wanted to know me, they would make the effort to discover these things about me and if they didn’t, well, I was just fine on my own without them. However, recent experiences have shown me that the opaque walls I built around me to give others the impression that they knew me, but they didn’t, aren’t necessary anymore – if they ever really were. 

These days, I return to some of my core values and beliefs.

I have always valued connections – whether positive or negative. People and experiences are what enrich our lives. When we close ourselves off by demanding that meet ups with others be on our terms or not at all, we only close the door to our own enrichment. When we say that we just need ‘me-time’ or that we cannot be ‘arsed’ to make an effort, we are really letting ourselves down.  When we make excuses of time, money, energy or whatever millions of other reasons we can find to justify why our self-centeredness is more important and more meaningful than opening the doors to others, then we are only limiting ourselves.

We, as individuals, can do anything. We can see the world. We can meet anyone. We can have more money than we need. We can have unlimited amounts of energy. We can make a contribution to society no matter how great or small.

How? By letting go of the self. Nothing and no one is ever alone. If we feel that we are, we only have ourselves to blame for our pushing away, for our blindness, for our lack of acceptance, for our lack of reaching out and asking.

If I had not valued the connections I had made over the years, there is no doubt in my mind the past few years would have been a million times worse than they were. Because of those connections (you know who you are), I am able to look back now with a smile and a sardonic laugh. I look back with extreme amounts of gratitude and love. I look back with limitless amounts of appreciation for the willingness to drop everything or give unconditionally to help me when asked, knowing that it was not an easy thing for me to do. There is no way that I can ever express enough how their SELFlessness helped me when I needed it the most.

In yoga philosophy, we study about the ego. We contemplate how the ego, or self, keeps us from true harmony in our lives – inside and out. While I never thought of myself as overly egotistical, I was definitely all about mySELF:  self-confidence, self-reliance, self-care, self-help, and the list could go on. I had bought in to the idea that truly taking care of number one could only be done by yours truly. 

Yet, as I discover the falsity of this way of thinking, I unexpectedly find myself more content and at peace. 

Of course, this does not mean that I retract my claim of ‘not liking people’. 😛 It just means that, despite the irony of having time on my own to come to this realization, it is not always in my best interest – or any of ours – to focus so much on myself. Instead, I hope to restart embracing more connections and gaining experiences that enrich not only my life, but also help me to make whatever contribution I can back to others and the world in whatever way the Universe and God have planned for me.

~T 😀

The Self: Part 1

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 232018
 

The other day, I sat outside during my lunch break to enjoy the beautiful cool, but sunny day. I’m sure that last year at this time I lamented about people’s tendency to say that there are no longer four seasons in Japan, and that ‘fall’ is near non-existent.

Yet, as I sat outside soaking up the sun under the trees with leaves that are changing color, I would beg to differ (yet again) with anyone who wants to keep saying that we are not experiencing an autumnal season. Perhaps this is just still coming from someone who spent nearly nine years where there truly aren’t notable seasons.

While I sat by the river, I initially was on my phone looking at social media. Then, I changed to reading a book thinking that was a better use of my time. In the end, though, I realized that I should just put the phone down and be in the world – enjoy the so-called ‘non-existent’ season.

So, I watched runners along the river, employees enjoying lunch in the weather, mothers walking with their children, and other individuals also enjoying the world around them. Instead of missing the seasonal changes by burrowing myself into my phone, I absorbed life around me with a great thirst.

It is usually when I stop to absorb life that I am able to contemplate. So, through my observations, I pondered:  ‘Who am I in the grand scheme of this life?’ ‘Would anyone miss me if I didn’t answer my phone, post on social media or go back to work?’ (This is not a cry for help – truly just a musing of my mind.) 😉 What am I really doing that is of any significance – great or small?

Obviously, I know I am loved, valued and cherished by various people whether they tell me or not. I have no regrets in my life and am actually finding a new level of peace in who I am in this moment. Yet, I also recognize and appreciate that while I am just one person, just one speck, just one among millions, I still want to be contributing to the betterment of society. My contribution can be as small as a grain of sand or as big as the universe deems worthy – I really don’t care about the scale of it; just that I am doing something beyond myself.

This, in turn, caused me to follow another thought path that has been in and out of my contemplations lately: What is the line between self-care and just plain selfishness?

It is so trendy now to use terms like ‘self-care’, ‘taking care of number one’, etc. We are in this self-pampering and me-time world, where we have started to justify self-centeredness with a slight twist of the words to change the nuance so that we can feel better about pushing others away or demanding others to behave on our terms.

Now, I am not trying to downplay acts for self-protection or -preservation. I am in full agreement of ‘f@#k politeness’ as one of the themes of my favorite podcast. However, these thoughts/terms have a place and a time when they should be employed and even celebrated. They should not be a justification to become cold towards the world or those around us.

So, it leads me back to the self. What is the line? Is there a line? Should there be a line?

Of course, life is not as black and white as I would like it to be. Even grey is dulled out by all the colors that are out there. 

But, I question – have we over-complicated life? At what expense are we taking care of ourselves, looking out for number one, and saying we are who we are? I’m not sure anymore….

So here ends Part 1. Part 2 to come….

~T 😀

Making Space

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 182018
 

Whenever there is a lot of clutter in my life, I feel out of sorts and confused. Perhaps this is why organizing is like a hobby for me as it makes me feel cool, calm, collected and in control. 😉

As a young child I had no say in who my family was, where I lived, where I went or what I possessed. My early movements were so frequent that I could never form an attachment to anything or anyone. This lack of control or say in my life contributed to a harmless, but significant need to keep every scrap of paper that represented a memory in my life – from manuals to devices/appliances I no longer own, to my first set of Valentine’s cards in the first elementary school that I actually stayed in, to contracts of employment for every important job I’ve had thus far, to notebook after notebook that might carry some random thought I had about whatever was happening in that moment.

Study and teaching materials, monthly bills, movie tickets, travel brochures and receipts from trips all filled boxes that have moved with me throughout my adult life – nine years in Japan, nearly nine years in the UAE and now back to Japan.

Since our things finally arrived after a year in storage in the desert, we have been trying to sort out how to make what seemed like a minimalist lifestyle there fit into our new truly limited space – which is spacious by any standard here for just two people.

Additionally, life now has different meaning and purpose than it used to.

Before, I was all about the papers – articles I have read, articles I have written, articles I want to write and any (and every) article that represented my ‘wealth of knowledge’. Meaning and purpose was founded in the status of what these papers represented. I felt control and satisfaction over the fact that I have a record of my life and events in the myriad of boxes that have traveled with me.

My husband likes to give me grief about the fact that many of my papers have come full circle. 😛 Some of the papers were useful to me, but the truth is that I wasn’t ready to let go of the life these papers represented.

After a number of pivotal moments, my life has greatly changed in the last few years. At last, it is time for the papers to go into the circular file – letting go of the past.

So, as I filled nearly 30 45L trash bags with that which no longer serves me, I felt not a loss of control, but rather a sense of freedom. The weight of all those papers was being lifted as my sweet partner encouraged me to get rid of the meaningless and unnecessary scraps of the past. At the same time, he supported me in keeping the items that represent important memories knowing how they can anchor me in remembering transitional periods of life back then. Still, I joked, my entire adult life (and some of my childhood) was boiled down to these 30 garbage bags.

Although I have not left a paper-trail-friendly profession completely, my home is now a safe space that I only want to fill with memories of travels, pictures of those I love, and items of a shared life with my partner. Each thing will now have meaning and purpose to represent all that I cherish rather than all that I could not let go of.

For the first time in my adult life, I have pictures and things up on my walls with plans to put up more. For the first time in my adult life, I am willing to establish a place to call home. For the first time in my adult life, I am not concerned about collecting everything just in case something is forgotten.

This process is far from being complete – I have collected a lot of stuff, so it will take a bit more time! However, the major boxes are emptied and many items have been discarded.

Now, we have more space to fill, carefully, with that which represents our life together serving us with love and joy.

~T 😀

Limbs of Negativity

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 122018
 

I am not a fan of the underwater. While others seem to have a fascination of life below the land surface, I do not. In fact, I have a great fear of drowning from an attack by the creatures below.

The worst types of water creatures for me are those with snake-like features – especially the Octopus. Although my fear may be irrationally based on images from pop culture, I imagine one swipe of the suction-cup side of a limb will poison me to death as it carries me down into the dark depths of the ocean drowning out my existence. (Dramatic?!) Therefore, I try to avoid situations that might give any such kind of creature an opportunity to darken my world.

Negativity receives a similar response.

I firmly believe people have auras that surround them. Some people see it in color. Some see it in shades from light to dark. Some see it as balls of energy. Or, any combination of readings. (Some may not see them at all ;))

For me, I see shades from light to dark with aspects of energy sparks. Those who carry around dark shades with high sparks of energy are the octopuses of the land-walkers. Not only will their limbs of negativity poison you, their suckers consume the energies of light others carry around. The seeming cliche imagery of dark clouds covering sunlight is not for nothing.

This is not to say that I am always a ray of sunshine to mine or others’ lives. However, I do try my best (perhaps my husband would disagree 😛 ) to stay upbeat and positive.

So, when we are individually struggling with our own balance and maintenance to stay in the light, it is all the more frustrating and irritating to have to deal with the dark limbs of others’ negativity. 

An online search on how to deal with colleagues or others who fit this description provides results with advice that are obvious and yet nearly impossible:  avoid them, tell them, listen with compassion as much as you can, put yourself in their shoes, blah blah blah.

I recently went to a talk called Sacred Self-Care. One of the points the speaker, Nirmal Raj Gyawali pointed out was that we have a finite amount of energy throughout a limited amount of time (our lives). Therefore, why spend energy and time on the things that do us no good? In yoga speak, we say ‘those things which do not serve us’. 

With this in mind, then, rather than just forcing myself to have compassion (which is still needed) or enduring the poisonous sparks of negative energy that threaten to put out the light I try to shine, I feel as if I should just walk away. 

In today’s world and real-life situations, that means putting on my headphones in the office to tune out those who are spewing out dark flames or, at times, it might even mean taking some ‘mental health’ days to stay at home to recoup and store up energy to keep the light shining not only within myself, but hopefully for others in my life as well.

Still, there are days (like today) where the negative poison enters my veins. Without an outlet like posting here, I am sure that the dark clouds would smother the positive light.

Thankfully, I think I have managed to fight off the threatening limbs of negativity as the weekend is about to begin. 😀

~T 😀

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