Hello There, Itโ€™s Me!

 Going Mental, Writing  2 Responses »
May 272021
 

Below is a piece that I wrote in a short three-week โ€œAdoption Writing Experienceโ€ class that I have been taking. Today is sadly the last of the series, but it has made me fall in love with writing again. So, thank you, ๐Ÿ™๐ŸฝAP! ๐Ÿ’ž

โ€œWithin two days on my own, I feel as if Iโ€™ve let out my breath from holding it for the past 16 months. My husband is lovely. Heโ€™s a cheerful labrador, but I prefer to liken him to a poodle on crack. His energy consumes while mine diffuses. As I exhale, he inhales, but I inhale his exhale.

As a couple, the teeter-totter balancing act is what keeps the adventure of life going; sometimes one is up, others times itโ€™s down. However, like being at the bottom while trying to carry something up a flight of stairs, the weight can become heavier and heavier. 

I think now, this was me over the last couple of months.

Perhaps Lady Universe heard my sighs and heavily whispered pleas for a break, because I finally have found a way out of the heavy load. My breath can be my own again.

Solitude and quiet recharge me. Itโ€™s in the quiet that I can filter the noise and find my own voice. Like sifting through the cereal box to find the special toy, I need space to pour out the box and move the marshmallows and bits that distract from the prize.

When I can write and hear my own voice, I can be what I need to be for others. When this is overridden, I struggle and all the other voices in my head start to make me feel like Iโ€™m going crazy.

So, it is nice to say Hello to me again and to let myself know that Iโ€™m not losing my mind, but rather finding it again.

My resolution for when my lovely bouncing ball of energy returns is to gently let him know that I need the space and time daily to hear myself so that we can continue to teeter-totter together with joy rather than let the burden get heavy again.โ€

โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”

I wrote this last week and then M came home. It was a strange feeling having him back as four days was just enough for me to get into my own rhythm and settle into my ways. There was an inner turmoil in me that I had to observe as I think that I had an increased load on my sympathetic nervous system. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

Inside, I felt unjustifiably bitter that I was letting go of my newfound routine just because M was back. However, logic and reasoning returned to remind me, โ€œTara, youโ€™re an adult, nothing is stopping you from doing what you want. Just be reasonable.โ€

So, I did.

My yoga and meditation time returned easily. My writing time, though, still needs some work to compromise on the head/energy space. We both like to be outside in the sun when we can, but he likes/needs to talk or have noise and I do not. Therefore, a schedule is probably needed on my part so that I can find that quiet space, whether in the sun or not, and still have time to enjoy the extroverted lifestyle each day.

In any case, Iโ€™ve been given another couple of days of quiet to keep working on the balance and defining the priorities. So, thank you Universe! ๐Ÿ˜‡โ˜€๏ธ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

16 Months of Togetherness

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 202021
 

Yes, pictures are coming, but saving that post for when I have fewer words to share. ๐Ÿ˜…

M went on a trip for mostly business, but a little pleasure (for both of us) this week. He left on Tuesday afternoon and returns on Saturday evening.

His original plans were to combine a stop in Spain and Brussels, but the Spain portion got moved, so rather than cancel or limit the Brussels portion, he extended it. Plus, then heโ€™ll still go to Spain next week. ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿฝ

Now, Iโ€™m not going to lie. When the trips were planned initially, I was not for it as the timing was less than ideal. Panic and PTSD rose in me so that my poor husband thought that I wouldnโ€™t let him go at all – ever. He had forgotten that I have been dying for some solitude, quiet, and independence for months – 16 in fact.

However, the timing coincided with having to move out of our rental and head to Italy thereafter along with the fact that I still do not have more than a number to legitimize my being in a foreign country. I think I had a fair point on why he shouldnโ€™t be traipsing off. Though, I probably could have expressed with less drama and emotion, but well… itโ€™s done. ๐Ÿคช

So, when we found out that we had to return to France ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ท anyway, I was more open to the idea of him going off for a few days – more like ecstatic! ๐Ÿคฃ Even though it meant coming back a bit earlier and paying more money for a place, it has been more than worth it!

While we have ridden out the past year plus quite well and our love remains fully intact, there is a lot to be said for a bit of time apart. Before, I could enjoy quiet moments at home most days with M off to work at his office. Then, we started sharing workspace. Our styles greatly differ by the nature of our work, but also by who we are as individuals. Although he, as an extrovert, wasnโ€™t able to see others and charge up in that way, he could still refill his batteries by venting on the phone, Zoom, etc. Unfortunately, this does not work for an introvert, who needs silence and alone time to recharge. My batteries have been running on low for 16 months…. 16 …

Itโ€™s only been two days, but already I can feel a sense of myself again. I have made sure that I see friends each day so that I donโ€™t completely close up into my shell, but my batteries are charging reminding me of who I am when full.

With about two more days to go, I will continue to recharge but also take the opportunity to think about how to bring back the balance for myself once M is back. Itโ€™s not like he can go away every week – nor do I really want him to -, but the importance of making sure I can recharge better has been noted. ๐Ÿ˜‡

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Europe Phase II Part 2a

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  1 Response »
May 162021
 

Bonjour from France again! ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ท

So… the Universe heard my pangs of frustration and loneliness by providing us with our plan of action for Phase II Part 1 and 2.

Part 1 Recap

I already covered most of Part 1 in the previous post. We ate as a coping mechanism, but thankfully it was only one real meal a day in early afternoon applying daily intermittent fasting so that our bodies could use as much time as possible to digest the tasty offerings of the Italian cuisine.

Basically, our visa situation both got simpler and more complicated at the same time. Our Internet woes were only really remedied by taking advantage of cafe culture, which generally works best for me anyway, but isn’t as good for running an online magazine as my big screen iMac. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

Our plan to move to a bigger place has become reality, only in a different country….

Part 2 – The Visa

It seems that the procurement of the mystical Type-D visa is reasonably straightforward from the Italian embassy. Since our last “residency” is considered France, thanks to M’s ability to get it swiftly and my dependency (not so thankful), we think we don’t have to consider the US aspect for me.

Although we were led to believe that we could simply go to Nice, which isn’t far from where I wanted to be based anyway, to be near my friends, we learned that thanks to the Pandemic C, all consulates have been closed and the only place we can do this visa processing is through Paris.

The upside is that we get to visit Paris. It’s a city that I’m not all that enamored with after visiting it once on my own for a few days in a very cold and wet November a few years back. M loves the charm, which I deem cliche and over-hyped. So, he is determined to show me the reason why it is considered a city of love ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€โค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ’‹โ€๐Ÿ‘จ …. We shall see. ๐Ÿ˜œ

Unfortunately, the earliest appointment we could get is for June 10th. This is about a month away. Luckily, the consulate is communicating quickly and clearly via email, so I feel a bit more at ease with that.

So, why are we in France now?

Well, M has to travel around the EU for work. Now that the borders are open again with just a negative PCR, he is eager to go away. As it has been about 15 months since we spent a night apart, I’m equally eager for him to go away. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Since M wants to travel and I really cannot go across borders unless by car, where the likelihood of being checked is slimmer, (have done two crossings now and not been stopped ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿฝ) I felt that it was safer for me to be in France should anything happen as at least I am in the system here for my residency application. Plus, I have friends here and can speak some of the language. I could not say the same for the tiny town that we were living in; and the dark stone-walled apartment that I would end up hiding away was not conducive to stability in my mental health, which is a bit on edge as it is with the stress all of this is applying to my carefully constructed sanity. ๐Ÿคน๐Ÿฝ

Therefore, we have rented a lovely place near where we were before (and my friends) for the next six weeks. At the time that we rented, we didn’t know that it would be possible to get our visa on the same day as the appointment as we had heard it could take a couple of weeks. So, we wanted to be safe….

We will have to be out the day before my birthday, so am not sure what we will do as that is a long way away and our plans are ever-changing. However, I am already a million times happier having only been here for about four hours. I’ve got my friends on notice and plans in motion. ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿฅ‚

I’ll share some photos next time. For now, I’m just reveling with lighter air! โœจ

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Food & Life in Italy

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  No Responses »
May 072021
 

Well, it’s been less than a week and I’m already missing my friends and wondering when we can move back to France….

Let’s just get the challenges out and cleared.

Challenge 1 – The Visa

Remember how I said that I’m constantly needing to remember to stay fluid and flexible? Well, the promise of a smooth Italian transition was not to be…. A few days before we were set to leave, we were informed that there is some need for a Type D visa, aka National Visa, aka WTF? This is before we can finish our Elective Residency Visa (ERV) that we were told would be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. Too good to be true? “Pfft”, my husband said as he waved off my inner angst at this new twist…

Well, “pffffft” right back at him as I re-learn to breathe, meditate and tell myself not to lose my cool.

A “simple” Google search, as I was nonchalantly told to do, reveals nothing clear regarding how to get this mysterious Type D visa. A brief message exchange with someone else suggests that the aforementioned ERV should be the same thing as this D-visa. Other inquiries bring up more questions and confusion.

Breathe. It’s fine….

Or not…

At worst, I would have to apply for said visa at the Italian embassy/consulate in the US. At best, we will look back in a few weeks and wonder what all the stress was about…. In between is the more likely scenario, we will be heading back to Nice to apply for said D-visa at the Italian consulate there using M’s French residency and my application for it to get the visa, then we come back and continue as planned.

As a recovering worry-wart, who occasionally relapses, I am concerned being a US citizen who has overstayed my Schengen visa with nothing but a registration number legitimizing my presence and should an official be having a bad day could blacklist me from the Schengen area altogether for ten years, which would greatly hamper our current European settlement. Also, with COVID, there are extra issues at play with vaccines, travel, etc.

So, while a forced visit home would not be the end of the world, leaving it could be a challenge as would be being with my man as a non-US citizen…. Anyway, will keep fingers, toes and everything else crossed that the best scenario happens or go with the in-between.

Challenge 2 – Connectivity

Everyone knows that being connected is life. Despite my loathe of social media and avoidance of most things online, I am heavily dependent on the Internet for entertainment – including reading a book – or basically anything AND, most importantly, I can choose to not use it when I want to disconnect.

Furthermore, M’s work requires Internet. The very meaning of digital nomad requires the ability to be digital. Without it, he cannot work, make money – thus provide our lifestyle needs/wants -, etc. and his mood reflects on the ease in which he can do these things; thus, also affecting my sanity!

Like anywhere, it takes some effort and time to work out how to get a new SIM card or access WiFi points. Without either of us knowing the language, there is the everyday/regular stress of figuring out how to communicate and understand what we need or what is available to us.

We are staying in an old stone-walled apartment that is cold, dark, and small. Our Italian SIM cards, while successfully and rather easily obtained, cannot defeat medieval structures meant to keep out everything that was not originally permitted within. This means, TV cannot be watched. Computers cannot be used. Livelihood cannot be achieved. Therefore, M stresses causing T (me) stress!

The remedy?

We shall likely be moving to a bigger space with an outside garden (also the cats will prefer it) and easier permeability. We shall figure out with the help of “friends” what exactly we need to make the WiFi work within rather than sourcing it from outside.

At least this is a fairly easy fix. <sigh>

So, those are the main challenges that are making life feel stressful. They are challenges of the privileged, but so is my life. ๐Ÿ˜› However, to end on the bright side:

Restaurants and cafes are open. Since our apartment kitchen is too small to inspire the in-house chef, we have eaten out for every meal. Pizza and delicious pasta has been my daily happy moments. Thank goodness we only eat one big meal a day around midday or we’d have to add on a gym membership! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Also, the countryside is absolutely gorgeous – dare I say, even more so than in France!

On that happy note, I leave you until next time….

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

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