With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, I’m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.
There’s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.
Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how I’ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and it’s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.
For me, I’m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby “resting bitch face” pretty much makes that clear. 😬
My “luck” was that I was provided with influences early on in life that weren’t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being “good”. After all, I have been told my Korean name “Sun Hui” means “good girl”. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness. 🤪
In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love 😍 at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet 🤫.
The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.
It hasn’t been all sunshine ☀️ and champagne 🍾 .
When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we aren’t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.
One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that ‘world’ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.
If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we don’t/can’t have it.
No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.
This is how I have led my life.
I didn’t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didn’t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasn’t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didn’t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didn’t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.
Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.
~T 😀
