July – Creative Meanderings

Orvieto Sound Festival Weekend

Jul 292024

There are various regular summer activities that happen around the cities, towns and villages of Italy. Umbria is no different. The main events that can be found around are music festivals. Our town of Orvieto always has the Orvieto Sound Festival.

While I don’t listen to a lot of Italian music, though it would probably be good for my language skills, I do enjoy music of all kind. Last year was a lot of fun as our friends organize the weekend with restaurants that border the piazza where the concerts are held, so we can get food, drink and tickets for a very good price. Plus, it is always fun to have a different kind of night out.

This year, I wasn’t sure how I would feel with the ankle, but luckily all of that was no issue at all. I was able to see Alfa on Friday night and we saw Max Gazze last night.

Alfa was excellent. He had fans from all ages and put on a great show (left pic). Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the encore toward the end of the concert that Max Gazze engaged with the crowd and got us into the music. For me, it sounded like a few of the instruments were out of tune with the others and the music style was not quite my favorite.

However, the company and time out was excellent. Given how hot it has been here during the days, it was nice to go out to enjoy time outside when the temperatures were better.

So, it was a good weekend all in all!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Life is…

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 262024

Life is complicated and a roller coaster at times. Is it this way for everyone, or do other people have stable mental states and day-to-days? Would I want that even if I could? – Probably not.

Nothing is wrong, per se. All is well physically, financially, etc. Yet, my mental state is jumbled.

I’m a combination of bored and lonely, more with a sense of isolation than being on my own or without friends. I lack intellectual stimulation and outlets. Sure, I would say a lot of this is of my own creation due to being introverted or less tolerant of people. However, some of it is also just not having enough to engage my mind on a daily basis.

This is proven in the fact that I’ve read three books in a week. I also have two Italian books, and three more books on the go from audio, digital and paper. On top of that, I write blog posts, poems daily, and a smattering here and there. So, it’s not a lack of input or activity, just that it’s not enough overall.

There’s a vibe that comes from life in a city. Even if I don’t engage with other people directly, I can thrive on the energy of others in the space of a cafe, a shop, the streets. In the countryside, I hide from the heat, the bugs, the allergies, the sounds of the country. It’s just harder for me to find my place, which I’m sure may seem crazy to many.

So, I’ve been working toward changing that. I recently returned to doing pottery and think I can do that regularly again, which makes me SUPER happy. I’ve also joined an online book club and decided to do a training course that will last two years starting in February. Plus, we’ve got trips planned and other activities coming up soon. It’s all on a positive trajectory.

I think I had no idea how hard it would hit me having to sit around doing little in the midst of one of the hottest summers (Julys) in Italy on my own whilst the final stage of my ankle healing happened. I thought it would be easy to endure a few weeks, but I was wrong.

Not being able to jump in cooling waters or shower properly or sleep comfortably definitely takes a toll. Sitting in a cool, dark room many days in a row is not conducive to bright and happy mental health.

The impact of these past few weeks is hitting its peak now. M and I are arguing over things. He thinks I’m just unhappy with life; thus, him. I think he’s being self-centered as my mood has nothing to do with him. We argue, yet nothing positive changes. So, we argue again. It’s just a passing moment, I know.

What I don’t know is how long it will last. I have no idea if I will soon be in a better mood or if it’s a matter of waiting for the season to change. So, while I/we suffer through the unknown, I shall read more books, write, and take it one day at a time.

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

It’s Me…Not You/Them

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 222024

Being independent in thinking, persona, and image can leave one (me) with a sense of loneliness, even when I am surrounded by others, most especially by those I actually like.

I have always been a trend balker. If something becomes trendy, I actively go the other way to avoid being considered a follower or a joiner. In Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken, he ends with the statement that taking the less traveled path has made all the difference. While there may be many a discussion on whether or not he is expressing this in a positive or negative tone, I have always taken it as a positive.

So, it is to my own dismay that when I hear of others, whom I like, getting together without a mention or invite directed toward us I get a tinge of jealousy/envy. It sparks questions that I normally do not allow to enter my thought processes. However, for a few hours or a day, they take over the forefront of my ponderings.

Why wasn’t I/we invited? Are we not really friends? Is it me? Is it him? Is it them? Did I do something? Am I not likable? Was I even here and able to go if I had been invited? Why do I care, really?

The answers aren’t actually that important, nor are they going to change my behavior – unless it really is a disliking of me kind of situation.

It’s more a curiosity as to why I might take it personally at all. I am not a FOMO kind of person. I don’t like large groups anyway. Yet….

Perhaps, it is because when I do reach out for a quiet coffee with some, I get lukewarm replies. Not straight out cold ones, but enough of a ‘no’ to make me feel okay about it. Then, I find out she/he/they have been hanging out with others I have made similar offers to, but not been included in. A less confident, self-assured person might take that as a true personal slight.

Then, I remind myself–I don’t like groups or doing things in such a way. It’s not my nature to join sporting activities, especially in groups or teams. It’s not my nature to do things just because others are. Therefore, there is nothing to feel upset about or to take personally. It is what it is and who I am.

So, after a short reflective semi-pity/perturbed party, I’m OK. I’m looking forward. I have plenty that I enjoy doing and much happening in the coming days. I’ll enjoy our moments together, but continue to not be dependent on having an active social life here; for now.

It’s a good, busy week ahead, so better get to it!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

It’s Too Hot!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 192024

This will be short. It’s too hot for me to function….

All is well, though. The ankle is healing well with plans to remove the stitches/staples next Wednesday and then life can return to a bandage-free normal.

Thankfully, the temperatures are meant to drop a bit in the coming days, so hopefully I won’t have melted away over the weekend and will have more to say next time.

Stay cool and healthy, wherever you might be!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Rising Temperatures; Cooling Minds

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 152024

I love this picture so much. It represents the sense of melting that I feel in these really hot and humid days where I feel as if my skin is burning off even in the shade after just 5 minutes outside. It also shows my avatar relaxed and accepting the situation, which is how I feel in my current state as I begin to let go of recent stress and angst. It’s a good image.

It’s 37 degrees Celsius or 98 degrees Fahrenheit as I write this. That’s hot. 🥵

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, I chased the sun ☀️ wanting to soak up all the rays to darken a tan, absorb all the Vitamin D I could, and in general, enjoy what a sunny day offers: poolside, cocktails, reading, relaxing.

Since menopause set in and the heat feeling like a furnace 🔥, I find myself less inclined to rush outdoors. Plus, there’s the bugs 🦟😬.

On top of that, we are having pool construction done so there’s nowhere to cool off even if I did convince myself to go outdoors.

Unfortunately, my already likely VitD-deficient self also does not necessarily do well indoors all day every day. So, as I’m in ankle recovery – which is going very well, in case you were wondering, I have been trying to adjust my schedule to remedy this a bit. Also, M is away for a few days and the pups have gone to the kennel giving me quite a bit of freedom to breathe. 🧘🏽‍♀️

The mornings are still cool enough to sit outside for an hour or two, if I get up and moving before 9 am. The evenings are definitely not for sitting outdoors for me just now, but once the sun has gone down, it is cooler to get the watering done for the plants before I flee any mozzie attacks. While this is not the most ideal for getting some sun exposure in, it is working for now.

Mostly, the freedom to move at my own pace, on my own time, in my own way is the key. 😁🎉

Sometimes a little alone time is all one needs to cool down in times of rising temperatures – both physically and mentally. ❤️

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Third Book Out is Poetry

Going Mental, Literary Escapes No Responses »

Jul 122024

When I was eight-years-old, I moved in with the Bilyeus and decided I liked them enough to want to remember who they were in my life. Previous families were, and still are, a blur as nightmares or questionable realities of buried memories. So, it was then that my writing persona began.

At the time, I really only focused on journals and getting my page of writing in each day about what I had done, whether or not my brother was mean to me, thoughts about the current life I was living. It took me many years to accept that I was staying with this family and that I could call them mine.

Intermingled with all of that was poetry.

My mom was a unique mother in her lack of helicopter-parenting and reserved demeanor. I never really questioned her loyalty or affection, but I took for granted the smaller gestures that showed how well she understood me. One of those elements was in not buying me typical children’s coloring books, but she got me ones with geometric figures, images of the Greek gods and mythology, and blank books where I could color the cover but fill in the pages for myself.

Many of those books, I still have. Most are filled with my childish poems.

Yet, somewhere along my writing journey I ignored the inner poet. My creative energies focused in different areas. My writing focused on what seemed “proper writing”. Still, my journals are peppered with poems. These blog posts have poems. Poetry has been a thread throughout.

So, when I attended that yoga-writing retreat a few months ago, I discovered I actually DO write poetry. I might really be a poet AND a writer. Then, I got to work.

Shortly after the retreat, I collated all the poems that I have posted on this blog with ones from recent journals. Of course, I did not go too far back in the annals of my diaries. But, I had enough poems to create a book manuscript. After many edits, it is ready for public consumption.

More than the other two books I have published, this one brings me more pride. Perhaps, it is because these represent a true creation of my own rather than synthesizing and analyzing information for easier consumption which the Umbria books offer.

Anyway, I hope readers will enjoy these as simple offerings of silliness, thoughts, and ponderings when one leaves the clouds. More poems in the making and more ideas for books to come!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Best Laid Weekend Plans….

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 082024

Well, my plan to ponder this weekend turned into a mix of thwarted plans and utter laziness.

My plan on Saturday was to just chill, watch a lot of sport since rugby was on and then the Euros 2024 soccer matches were scheduled for the evening. However, a friend needed a ride home from the hospital and an overnight stay as he transitioned out back into the real world again after 10 days. He’s doing alright and went home yesterday. Still, that meant my Saturday of sports TV was turned into about 4.5 hours of driving and then “hosting”. We did manage to get back in time for the soccer kick-off and watch England save themselves enough to move into the semi-finals, which I will be watching on Wednesday night!

This also meant that my plans for Sunday to be about organizing my head and all that good stuff were also waylaid. In the end, I caught up on TV shows including some of the Olympic trials for gymnastics and lots of napping.

Although I do not feel particularly tired, I definitely am worn out from the heat and humidity. Even though I did sit outside for a bit, I found that it didn’t particularly help my mood as sweat instantly surfaced all over my body. As I have aged, I have found sweat pores (pours) in weird places – like the back of my knees! So, my heat tolerance has really decreased which makes me a less than enjoyable companion.

The only pondering I managed to do was to consider where I can escape to after my ankle surgery tomorrow, and how I can avoid this weather next year.

To be honest, I’m sure it is not that bad in terms of temperature and even climate for most. However, menopause has not endeared warm weather to me. Hopefully, one of these days I’ll enjoy it again. In the meantime, I’m very seriously considering spending summers in the UK or Scandinavia! We shall see….

So, while the heat-induced irritable side of me might want to moan some more, I am trying to appreciate the fact that I had the luxury of spending just about an entire day lazing about and resting. Of course, more of that to come in the next few days as I go in tomorrow for my ankle surgery (to remove the metal they put in about a year and a half ago). Hopefully, it’ll be enough chilling for me to refresh my motivation.

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Step One – Awareness

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 052024

I’m back on a routine and feeling both happily productive yet somewhat lackluster in my sense of accomplishment each day. It’s not like I don’t have plenty to do or to keep me busy. Still, sometimes it does feel as if it is just busy work that I am doing to pass the time.

Of course, it is meaningful to keep a clean house, do laundry, and such. I don’t really do anything outdoors these days as it is hot 🥵 and the mozzies 🦟 are out, but the mornings are nice for enjoying a cup of coffee. Yet, I haven’t even been doing that until this morning when M asked what I was doing after I had come directly to my dark, cool office to sit at the computer to get work done. It really didn’t occur to me to go outside for a bit.

So, perhaps I’m vitamin D deficient, and it is affecting my mood. I will try to work on that and go outside a bit more now that I’m aware.

Equally, I need to return to prioritizing writing. I’ve allowed myself to get out of the habit of journaling every single day. Partially because my journal is crammed with cards and papers that it is hard to write on one side of it, but really I just allow it to be an excuse to not write. When I don’t write, it’s like being constipated. The build up becomes too much. I need an outlet for my thoughts and inner emotions since I’m not an outwardly emotional person.

Furthermore, since deciding to publish a poetry book, I have come to a full realization that I have always been a poet. From the time I started writing journals at eight-years-old, I also started writing poems. My first coloring, writing books were filled with my naive poems. Poems have always been a constant along with my journals. Because I can often scribble out a poem quickly, I forget that it is a craft, an art, a creativity that needs an outlet.

Then, there is the craft of writing a story. My fiction novel has been pushed aside again in my mind and priorities. Perhaps, I am afraid of the need to dig into my memories and feelings to write some parts. Perhaps, I am afraid it really isn’t that good. Perhaps, I am just afraid. I need to ponder and see what my mental obstacle might be on it. In the meantime, I have a new idea to work on some short stories along with my poetry.

The fact is that as long as I’m writing and producing something regularly, I’m happier than when I just manage to get tick off the items on my todo list. More than likely, my sense of accomplishment and contentment is when I have written something meaningful (to me, at least) in a day. So, why am I not ensuring I do this every day? 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I have no acceptable answer. 🤪

They say awareness is the first step. So, step one ✔️! Now, to do something about it. I shall ponder today on what that looks like and revert back on Monday. Stay tuned!

Have a great weekend y’all!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Happy 48th To Me!

General, Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad No Responses »

Jul 012024

When I was younger, I really had no interest in celebrating my birthday. It seemed like an unnecessary moment of bringing attention to myself, which was something that I actively spent time on avoiding. If I was not noticed, I would not get unwanted attention from leery male eyes. If I was not noticed, I may not get moved around to a new home. If I was not noticed, I could pretend that I was just like everyone else around me rather than the one who was different – in looks, in life experiences, in what felt like everything.

There was a period of time when people actually forgot my birthday unless it was announced on social media or someone told them. Even my parents forgot it was my birthday for a few years since I lived abroad – I had to fight the urge to believe that “out of sight out of mind” wasn’t a truth. 😳 For the most part, I didn’t mind, but I admit that it hurt when those closest to me didn’t remember. As I’m not the type to tell others that it is my birthday, I let it slide. I love them all anyway (plus, they’ve redeemed themselves many times over since 🤪).

Perhaps it was when I met M or some time around then that I began to think that it was OK to celebrate and let others celebrate me.

In fact, I almost always remember everyone else’s birthdays. For many years, I would make an effort to reach out, send cards or gifts to almost everyone I could to let them know that I cherished their life and presence in this world. I’ve never taken for granted that people cross my life path for a reason and that I appreciate them as there are plenty in my early days of life whom I cannot recall or never really knew well enough to make note of their days of birth.

These days, though, I save my messages and gifts for a select few. I no longer have a need to stay connected to everyone. Part of me got a little jaded by those who never return the acknowledgement unless told to – thus I NEVER reply to people who post well wishes on social media after it is made known to them…I think it’s a copout and too easy since they wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. I know, it probably sounds terribly selfish, but welcome to the “I’m in my 40’s and don’t care” era!

Anyway, back to MY birthday – obviously. 😬🫢

As long as we have been together, M has always made my birthday special. Whether it has been in small acts or big ones, he knows how to make me feel worthy of celebrating my existence in this world.

This year was no different! It seems I forgot to share and post about last year, so I have been reprimanded sufficiently to make sure that I get on here all the joy and fun that I had in saying “cheers” to year 48!

We kicked it off with a “small” BBQ party with friends at our home. My BFF and godson were here to help celebrate and my local friends really outdid themselves in making me feel extra special (seems I don’t have photos at the moment of that event…).

Then, M and I spent a fabulous 4 days and nights in Paris where we did some sightseeing, saw Le Crazy Horse cabaret show, went shopping, and most importantly, got a lot of rest after a busy month or so. While Paris has not generally been my favorite place to go, I got a better appreciation for the city this time. It was nice to wander around and take in the different neighborhoods (arrondisements). So, here are some photos. I look forward to visiting the French capital again soon.

Here’s to another amazing year of this grand ol’ life of mine!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Reminders to Self

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jul 282023

It really doesn’t take long to follow the path of least resistance and return to old habits – whether deemed good or bad.

M came back on Sunday. On Monday, we went out with friends for lunch and an evening out. My stomach was a bit in shock with the return to booze and food, so I went easy on both.

On Tuesday, we got up early and went for a long walk. The finding of a Beagle dog on the road and waiting for her owner to pick her up threw off our schedule a bit so that I forgot it was market day as I did a bit of emails, writing, etc. before we went off for a beach day. On the way, we got bumped from behind so that further offset our schedule and focus. All was fine and went alright, but by the time we arrived we wanted to eat and drink. I tried to keep the consumption light.

Wednesday was a quieter day with a morning walk into town for croissants and home for coffee. We had lunch with our friend, but again didn’t overindulge. Yet, there was still food and drink as the focus, which made me feel tired and heavy. By the time I had had a nap, though, all was reset so we drove to Cannes for a walkabout and dessert. Sometimes when we find we are “bored” from lack of activity, we end up eating and/or drinking.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad in that regard, though we still went in for a morning coffee and croissant. I always feel that at least the walk to and from town (about 15 mins each way) makes it OK to then have the treat. We spent the afternoon on the beach, but still had a light carb-filled lunch. In the evening, we met up with our friends and had burger dinners with a bit of rosé.

This morning, we went into town for the usual c&c, but went to the other side of town to get a longer walk in. 🤪

While I enjoy all the interaction and activity that we do, I find myself more aware of the focus on the ☕️ and 🥐 or simply food and drink. When I am on my own, I definitely have the morning cup, but usually no food. So, I know that it is M’s influence that I get encouraged to include more eats than I might do alone. It’s not a complaint in any way, but more of an observation at how easy it is to let this behavior go as normal yet not necessarily “good”. I had been on a good trajectory to get my weight gain under control again. I had felt results. However, I do now wonder if that is being undone by my lack of willpower to be strict again.

It’s an interesting consideration as to how much one can or should live with willpower and control over diet and exercise vs. just going with the flow and letting the mood decide. As with everything, there is a balance no doubt. I think I am still working that out, which is slightly harder to do when everyday is basically like a holiday…. 😅😅😅

Now that I’ve written about it, it’ll stay in the forefront of my mind for pondering and perhaps I shall return my awareness to the center so as not to lose the benefits that I was getting. 😬

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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