Creative Meanderings – My ramblings and wanderings through life

Health: Fibroids

Feb 272025

About to head off home for the next week or so, but wanted to get a post out to maintain a sense of normal. So, back to previously scheduled programming on health – my health.

This post, I’d like to talk about fibroids. If you’ve never heard of these lovely items in the human body, let me give you a brief. More properly known as uterine fibroids, they are non-cancerous growths that develop in or around the uterus made up of muscle and fibrous tissue. Another name for them are uterine myomas or leiomyomas, if you do ever hear of them this way.

Apparently, fibroids are pretty common and perhaps extra estrogen along with your genetic make-up can cause them to be a part of the female reproductive system. Who knows how long they have been part of me, but it could have been a reason for not getting pregnant when I had wanted to. Otherwise, I feel as if I really have had no major issues with them except for my yearly visits to the doctor when they pointing them out to me.

When I started my peri-menopause, I got some hot flashes, which took me to a doctor in Japan. She noticed the growths and offered a new treatment for reducing their size, but this increased my hot flashes. Thus, I did not continue the treatment since hot flashes are probably the worst side effect of peri- / menopause, in my opinion. However, since then, it seems that these lovely tumors of the non-cancerous type have enjoyed being hosted in my uterus so much that they have grown and multiplied.

Again, I have not worried nor paid them too much attention. Also, with menopause approaching, I looked forward to their shrinking since the lack of estrogen should discourage their habitation. Well, last year, menopause came, at last. The hot flashes increased. Other minor symptoms presented themselves. So, I researched about hormone replacement treatment (HRT).

Chemical HRT did not seem the way for me.

So, I studied bio-identical HRT and began treatment. My gynecologist here warned me that the fibroids would grow again. I dismissed her concern. Treatment started and proceeded great. My moods were better, hot flashes gone, all looking good. That was, until I went in for a checkup after starting the new meds.

Concern showed on my new doctor’s face. An ultrasound was booked. Then, an MRI with some lighty-up fluid was booked.

The result? I’m off the HRT treatment. I’m on some natural supplements to reduce hot flashes in hopes that they will not return. Seems all good, right?

Well, the doctor has recommended that I have the uterus out completely. The estrogen supplements is not ideal since the fibroids are so prevalent and strong that they will continue to grow. However, I do not feel that I have many other symptoms to convince me to remove it altogether. Of course, there is still risk of uterine cancer and I could avoid that risk. There’s probably other benefits, but as expected, there’s a balancing effect of negative risks, too.

So, what to do?

I’m not sure yet. I’ll share in an upcoming post about my back pains and how they may likely be related to the fibroids. I have time to think about it. I think I will see how the growth is in six months. If it isn’t better or has worsened, then I guess that I can reconsider. It has been advised that if I do end up doing it, the winter time is better to rest in recovery, so I have time.

That’s the brief of it. Fibroids. Who knew, eh?

~T 🔥🐉♋️

In Memory Of: Larry Bilyeu

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 252025

Well, I hadn’t planned to fly home so soon but when you lose someone who was truly larger than this life, it feels right to go be amongst those who also loved him and got to be touched by his light while he walked in our time and space.

He always made time to come see me or ensure we got in a visit whenever I was around. So, I’m glad I got to see him during my visit home last May. His big smile matched his generous heart and my Uncle Larry will be greatly missed.

The Bilyeu Siblings: my dad (Mike), Aunt Linda, and Uncle Larry

May you go in peace and walk amongst the angels. 😇

Health Report: Part 1

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 202025

Generally, I have grown up with the idea that our health matters are something private. We don’t talk about them with other people outside our family and even within the family, we might not talk about it in too much detail unless asked specifically.

When my grandmothers were aging and deteriorating in their health, I wasn’t around much. I was in my early 20s living my life as is normal. However, when I learned the truth of their decline, I felt sad to be left out of the loop in not knowing the details of their conditions. These days, it is more acceptable to talk freely about our health without it being awkward or seeming as if we are divulging too much information about ourselves.

While I tend to be quite open on talking about all the taboo subjects because I don’t believe they should be considered as such, I haven’t actually written much about my personal physical health unless it had to do with my broken ankle, yoga, or my mental state. So, I’m thinking I’m going to add to the health hashtag with a few updates about recent health issues. It also helps to serve as a record for myself since I seem to be getting more forgetful these days. Thankfully, I’m organized enough that I have my files in order should anything serious need to be address.

First, I’ll start with I feel fine. I feel healthy physically. However, I do have some aches and pains, plus I am officially in menopause.

Even though I do yoga and stretch regularly, even though I walk a decent amount – thanks to the dogs, travel, and the treadmill in my office -, even though I drink a ton of water most days, even though I have a pretty good awareness of nutrition, diet, etc., I still am struggling with the realities of an aging body, and the effects of life’s wear and tear.

I’ll save the details on specific concerns for individual posts, but here’s a highlight:

spine/back – for years I’ve had lower back pains aggravating from either sitting too long or walking too much. So, I’ve had to balance the two.
neck – since my 40s, I’ve had neck cracking moments, which don’t feel normal but so far haven’t caused me much issue except for an occasional stiff neck.
fibroids – I first became aware of these when I was in Japan. Generally speaking, they are not an issue. I took some experimental drugs to reduce their size, but this increase my hot flashes which I now know were my early signs of perimenopause. Now, they are getting bigger thanks to menopause treatment.
menopause – It’s official. I’m no longer in danger of procreating unwittingly. My main symptoms were interrupted sleep, hot flashes, lack of sex drive, dryness, brain fog, and general fatigue. Almost all of these symptoms are now no longer thanks to treatment.
sciatica – This was induced by a Thai massage about six weeks ago. I’m not happy at all about this, but it seems to be improving thanks to some regular physio treatments.

So, I hope to cover these in more detail in individual future posts. Perhaps, sharing my own experiences with these issues will help someone who might come across this blog, or feel free to share if you think someone might benefit.

With that, stay tuned!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Hawaii: Family Trip 2025

Meanderings Abroad No Responses »

Feb 192025

This was a planned holiday for months as a nice way for the family to get together. It was sponsored by my parents for my brother and my niece, and subsidized for us. Never mind that the travel time in both directions was long and arduous, I mean, we were going to Hawaii!

Despite M being grumpy about more travel after our year of over-flying, I was looking forward to spending some time with the whole family. Besides, how can one not love being in paradise?!

So, we had a week of fun.

We went on a Zodiac boat for some snorkeling. We saw a few whales dive and reward us with their tail fins. We saw lots of lovely little fish as well.

We went to a paniolo ranch for a BBQ dinner and some cowboy experience. We ate. M and I danced. M roped a wooden cow. We all laughed.

We sat on the beach, snorkeled and swam in the, what I consider, tepid waters. It was not warm, but it was bearable.

We shopped and ate. We had a ladies’ day out. The boys had guy time. The house was lovely and it was about spending time together, which we did.

The only downside was that Dad got sick after the first day and was unable to participate in all of the above except at home. This, sadly, means that I have no pictures of him to remember the experience outside of our minds, which is a statement of its own, really.

Now, we are back with only a few European trips planned for the rest of the year. Who knows, I might still be on a flight somewhere soon, but now it’s time to focus on work, writing, and resting at home. 🥰

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Enough is Enough!

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 042025

*Trigger Warning – if you’re weak or easily offended, don’t bother reading this post. It won’t help you.*

Life on a schedule may seem too constricting to most, but I challenge anyone who says that to a comparison on productivity, satisfaction, and contentment levels. If you, reader, say to yourself, “Well, of course, if you’re on a schedule you’re going to get more done, but it’s not for me.” My reply back, is “Explain yourself.”

In this modern world where it is acceptable to moan and groan over our dissatisfaction with every aspect of our lives, we have become complacent accepting mediocrity, and in some cases even less than that, – even to the point of celebrating it hiding behind words of martyr, busy or phrases like it’s OK for you, but not for me. Well, I’m calling you out and saying BS, if this is you.

Unapologetically, I am no longer going to smile, nod or be silent towards those who moan and groan.

First, it’s selfish and tiring of the “poor me”s of the world. You’re basically living on the sails of those who create the wind to reach destinations. You’re definitely benefiting from others’ efforts while sitting back and acting as if you’re a victim of circumstance. So, as loud as you can imagine me screaming this STOP IT! Enough is enough.

Second, check your ego. Your ego is telling you that you’re too important or too good, or even too unimportant, or too worthless to achieve your goals. The ego feeds on being right. The brain enjoys being lazy. So, if your brain and ego work in tandem then the path of least resistance is the one in which you do nothing and prove your ego right whether it is a positive or negative message. Unfortunately, the heart/mind (not the same as the brain) is the most important component to our state of satisfaction and contentment.

What’s the difference between satisfaction and contentment?

Satisfaction is the happy feeling you get from working hard at something. Perhaps, it is finishing a 10-minute walk. Perhaps, it is not eating that last piece of cake. Perhaps, it is allowing yourself time to just sit and breathe. The sigh of “ah” that your mind and body say, whether outloud or in silence, is satisfaction.

Contentment is the constant feeling you have about your life situation. It is not wanting any more or any less than what you have. It is not keeping up with the Joneses or Smiths. It is being in the zone.

So, when we set goals, create a schedule that allows us to achieve in small chunks of time, we increase our sense of satisfaction. When we do that on a regular basis, we gain a sense of contentment. Over time, all of that goes up.

Even better is that our egos and brains start to get onboard so that you get even more motivated to achieve because they always want to be right and self-important. Honestly, it’s a win-win-win situation.

Now, I return to how I started. Explain yourself. Why wouldn’t you want to create a schedule, set up a routine, and ensure success? Why would you want to continue to be a victim, martyr and complacent?

~T 🔥♋️🐉

P.S. More of these posts might start to take on a confrontational tone because given the state of the nation, you know which one, I am percolating with frustration and so every little bit I can do to fire up people in a productive and positive way, I am going to do that. 🤪

Year of the Snake

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 302025

There is little that I connect with in terms of my Asian roots. Korean food being at the top of my list, but I often question if I would like it even if my tastebuds weren’t from Korean DNA. Asian cultural things have always been a mystery to me as I both want to embrace it as lost heritage and run away from it as a way of reverse psychologizing myself on the tremendous sense of rejection and thievery that others caused me to feel.

Still, as a way of trying to connect on my terms, I have chosen to acknowledge and enjoy the Lunar New Year or Chuseok in Korea, which is also deemed the Spring Festival period. It is something that I feel is light and allows me to hold on with a thin thread of fabric to all things Asia, not just Korea. While I do not necessarily eat traditional food or attend the stereotypical festivals, I quietly make an effort to acknowledge and share in the celebration that I know my biological family will be also taking part.

So, last night was the first new moon in this twelve month cycle. It marks the beginning of the year of the snake 🐍 – blue wood snake, apparently. Although the snake is not my favorite animal, I appreciate that it has a more positive meaning to the Chinese zodiac.

With that, Happy Lunar New Year and may the year of the blue wood snake be one filled with wisdom, change and resilience.

~T 🔥♋️🐉

The Drama Train

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 282025

As I attempt to work on my fiction novel, I feel supported by my new mentor through the PocketMFA program that I decided to join to help me move forward with my writing on this manuscript. She has also written non-fiction first, then moved toward writing her fiction novels. As I spoke with her at the end of last week, I more clearly understood my challenges in being able to stick with the fiction.

Non-fiction is fact-based, hence its name. It is clear and indisputable for the most part. Emotions are also left out of the writing except for perhaps some minor commentary here and there. It is much easier to write about the facts. There is basically little-to-no emotional drama in this style of writing.

Part of me wonders if being with a highly dramatic individual causes me to lean more towards the logical, practical, and less emotional writing.

Have I always been fairly unemotional? Yes, I think so. Was I naturally this way? Perhaps, but I can’t say for sure.

My earliest baby pictures suggest that I was not the cheeriest of babies, but perhaps I was content to be quiet in my own little world. As I got older and life happened to me, I learned that it did not serve me to be an emotional child. Either I was reprimanded for it, or I got too much attention for it. Neither result was what I wanted.

In general, I’m a serious person. I no longer take life as seriously as I used, which caused me a lot of worry and anxiety. However, I still prefer a philosophical and thought-provoking conversation over light-hearted jesting. Mostly, though, I dislike drama for the sake of it. Unfortunately, this cannot be said to be true for the one with whom I share my life. 🤪

One way that I have learned to control my emotional urges is through meditation. This, with some therapy, reading of personal growth/development books, and listening to advice in the form of podcasts or other people, has given me new perspectives on the effect of a dramatic or overly emotional response to things. The biggest takeaway being the negative impact that it has on my own state of being as well as its ripple effect onto others.

The challenge now is not how my emotions affect others, but how I am affected by theirs.

When we listened to Will Smith’s memoir/autobiography, we laughed at his self-proclaimed demand to get on the “Will Smith Train” at all costs. However, we also saw the cost with the downfall or derailing of this train on screens around the world. Often, M takes on this mentality to get on the “Matthew Footner Train” or else. I try to reign him in a bit by pulling the brakes to slow him down. It’s not that I want to hold him back, but I have my own train going at its own speed. I do not want to be pulled or dragged to a speed that does not suit me or my own priorities.

Lately, I have prioritizing my own writing pursuits and activities. At the same time, M has increased his focus on his projects. On the surface, all is good and balanced.

Underneath is the bubbling of the drama as he revs up his emotional outburst engines.

To write well, I need a calm mind. I need the space to be free to let my thoughts roam. Sometimes that means that I am reading a book or walking on the treadmill. Sometimes it looks as if I am doing nothing to those who do not understand how creativity works. There is rarely a time in which I am actually doing nothing, even when I watch TV I want to crochet or do something creative.

Therefore, it can be frustrating when the Drama Train tries to speed through. At times, the conductor of the train feels emboldened to suggest that what I am doing in the creative space is not important because it isn’t what HE is doing or because it doesn’t make the money that HIS does. Or, more commonly, that I am not responding or doing at the speed in which his train wants to go. The self-importance of the Drama Train is a dangerous blind spot that could derail if not careful.

Luckily, for all of us, I have the confidence and the ability to adapt or stop the drama altogether if need be. Sometimes, the ego balloon needs a little air let out of it so that equilibrium is restored for all. And, sometimes, it just means that a little time is spent apart with a short trip away here or a day out is spent there. 😅

Also, now that I have a support system to help me focus my attention on the fiction writing, I feel stronger to ignore the ups and downs of the emotional tornado. It doesn’t mean that I don’t often vent my own emotions or jump on for a quick ride. However, I know that I can hop off it and redirect its tracks so that I can get my own goals met, which is a HUGE relief! 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Ain’t No Box Big Enough

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 242025

Let’s talk about boxes and the ones we like, no almost need, to put people into. First, let’s establish that we all do this. I do it. You do it. Everyone we know does it. If anyone, that includes you or me, denies that it is done, then we (they, you, I) are lying to themselves and others. I am sure that the labeling, defining, box-placing can be traced back to some tribal instinct. In any case, admitting there is a problem is the first step.

The question at hand is to what extent will someone go in order to be able to put someone in a box? Will a conversation not be able to move forward until the other person is in the best designated container? Will all body language cues be ignored to relieve personal discomfort in the not knowing? If you (the royal you) cannot find the right label to stick on a person, can you leave it be?

My hope is that you can say YES to this. Or, by the end of this post, you’ll consider it.

A few ladies, including myself, were sitting at in someone’s living room enjoying some adult beverages, nibbles, and anecdotal conversations. Three of us were able to be “labeled” as from some kind of minority group. The other two were closer to the Western majority in appearance. Although four of the five of us are expats in this country, only one of us – not myself – speak the native language of our residence with any kind of fluency. Still, we all have had different life experiences and so we were casually sharing about our lives.

I was sharing about my regular forced justification to inquisitors as to where I am from — where I’m really from, and why it is such a problem to me. The other two minorities shared similar stories, though different in that they are not adopted, so it doesn’t get so personal – at least in my opinion.

What was clear was that 1. people do not think having to be identified as adopted is a personal enough fact to consider frustrating; 2. lighter skinned people think of the interrogation as either a minor annoyance or not a big deal; 3. the topic gets dismissed through microaggressive phrases like Oh, I get that, too. Or, Yeah, everyone has that, don’t they?

It is difficult to try to explain why it is NOT the same, nor is it NOTHING just because it has no underlying issues for someone else.

When one is adopted, there is always a sense of displacement and not belonging. Therefore, being forced to explain that my parents are white and I am not, just highlights that I am different. I have spent much of my life trying to not have that be the main identifier of who I am.

When one is a transracial adoptee, there is always a sense of standing out without effort. Therefore, being singled out and hounded about my origins creates an extreme sense of discomfort. Being forced to share personal information about myself before I actually know you well, and more detrimentally if in front of a group, is akin to being Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter.

Furthermore, when one has lived an expat life, there is a sense of not being limited to just one country or place that many cannot quite understand. I am a citizen of the world despite my passport belonging to one country.

The fact is that our lives are all unique. While I understand that some citizens of countries do not necessarily travel much or they may be less educated, exposed to a variety of people, I struggle to be compassionate in my answering. I am most definitely less forgiving of those who do travel and still do not seem able to accept that I do not fit into one particular box.

Parts of me fit into multiple boxes, but as I am not able to be cut up whilst I’m still living, it doesn’t do to try to put me in just one. If I took labels, I would have to cover myself all over like a well-travelled piece of luggage.

So, perhaps, one can better understand how and why it is that I dislike limitations and rules that bind. For me, everything can be challenged. Everything can be reshaped and redefined. Everything is possible to be true while nothing truly is.

I have accepted that I will probably never be free of the questions that help someone figure out how to identify and label me, for – as we started – it is human nature of us all. Just know that the reality is there just ain’t no box big enough for me to be placed in.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

A Calling? A Purpose?

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 212025

In my post about goals/resolutions for this year, I said that I was about focus, stillness and simplifying. I also add – building. This year is about honing myself and my skills.

For years, I was an English language educator. It was a profession that I reluctantly embraced as a means to an end. The end being that it afforded me the luxury and salary to travel, which had, surprisingly, become a passion. I say surprisingly because, believe it or not, I had never intended to live or work outside of the USA when I was in high school. The thought of being away from family and out of my comfort zone was extremely frightening to me then. However, I got the travel bug and wanderlust took over my reason for breathing throughout most of my first career.

Then, I moved out of language education into yoga and meditation. Whenever I decide to do something, I always want to make sure that I am paper qualified as my traditionally-trained academic brain considers this a reasonable (and easy to me) way to let people know that I have some idea of what I’m talking about. Probably, my own cynical and skeptical brain wants to avoid the questions I challenge towards others – Why should I listen to you?.

Unfortunately, just as I was getting some traction in the yoga space, we moved countries and I returned to the language education field as it was easier to find stable work in it. I maintained my own practice and stayed up on the space, but remained dormant. Meanwhile, my desire to teach waned. I felt a burnout and disappointment of people who say they want to learn or improve themselves, yet don’t – through whatever excuses they create.

So, when we moved to Italy and began to settle in our home, I waved off any suggestions that I should teach yoga or meditation. Although I did a little teaching for friends in France during COVID, because it was something for all of us to do, I was not interested in giving out my energy in this way.

In fact, I felt like I just didn’t have the capacity or energy to spare for it.

However, I remembered the words quoted during my yoga teaching:

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

This quote is attributed to Buddha, Tao Te Ching or other philosophers. Whomever it was that said it, doesn’t matter to me. Mostly, I’m concerned with its accuracy.

When some friends suggested that I teach, I honestly (perhaps too much so, as is my tendency) replied that if they organized it, I would show up. Apparently, it sounded harsh. Perhaps, my tone was not as intended; or perhaps it was exactly as I preferred. Who knows?

Then, something happened.

I believe in the rule of three. If someone says something along the same vein as someone else and this occurs three times, I feel as if it should be taken to heart. Often, unfortunate events occur in threes – usually minor things that cause annoyances. Sometimes, the death of famous people run in threes as well. So, with this belief in my head, I got the third nudge that perhaps I should teach yoga and mindfulness.

To add even more emphasis, I decided to start a two-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification program as well, which requires me to do some teaching.

After my first yoga and breath workshop, feedback came with words of encouragement. Included in this was a statement that someone felt it was as if I was called or meant to be a teacher of this topic. Even if it is just one person saying it, I consider the words. As I contemplate whether or not to continue after the initial two months is up, I wonder if it is part of my purpose in life.

I am a beacon of light that shines as inspiration for others to ignite their own lights to guide others.

This is my purpose statement that I have refined lately. Whether or not I am “called” to be a teacher does not really concern me. Whether or not I am serving as a beacon of light for others to raise their vibrations and find their own sparks as a way of becoming their greatest selves, well, that matters to me.

So, I don’t know yet if all of this teaching will continue into March or April and beyond. If it does, I’ll be happy. If it doesn’t, I’ll be happy, too. We shall just see how my cup drains and fills through the experience, then assessment will follow.

Stay tuned!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Poor Men? Or, Go Ladies?!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 182025

I feel as if I have written about this topic before, but it has come up again and so I shall comment on it based on recent conversations with friends and M. It started with the recent news of a celebrity figure announcing his split from his wife with whom he had been married for a number of years.

The reason for the split, as reported, was that he was a child and the subtext is that she had had enough.

Although social media and presentations given by men, no matter the platform, suggest that women let themselves go as they get older, or that women are the ones who are not “enough”, reality provides the complete opposite side.

In my circle of friends, there are a number of ladies who have beautiful hearts, are intelligent, successful in what they do, and have so much love to give. Yet, these ladies struggle to find a man who meets them where they are; basically, so many men fall short of expectations, hopes, and desires.

Why is this?

The fact of the matter is that most women find peace and calm in not having a man in the house. Couples who split after the children are gone, are likely – according to my observations – because the woman is tired and not willing to continue both mothering and wife-ing for just their husbands. Women need and want men to step up to the task of being more than just a financial earner, if that is the traditional role they have settled upon, or the “fun-parent” who can offset the parent dynamics when raising children.

While all people can behave at the emotional level of an eight-year-old, most women are also able to run a house and hold down jobs at the same time. Indeed, most men can as well. The difference is that, sadly, many men do not see that there is (or should be) a partnership in the home. Even if the woman does not “work” outside of the home in a traditional job, there is a lot of work that gets done inside the house. Many regular jobs have clearly defined tasks that are often limited to the role that one is paid to fulfill. However, in the home, the tasks are endless without limits.

Now, of course, there are “man” jobs (blue jobs) and “woman” jobs (pink jobs) in many homes. For example, tradition has determined that a man takes out the garbage, does DIY fix-ups, maintains the cars, etc. Meanwhile, the woman does the cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc.

What I’d like to point out in just this short list of tasks above is that when a mess is made, or there are more mouths to feed, the size of the task increases for the woman. Yet, the tasks for the men are consistent in size, even if there are more of them at times. This increase of load for a woman can be exhausting. So, now imagine the unstated relief of a semi-retirement phase when the children finally leave home since the load will ideally decrease, but the man carries on leaving his clothes around or dirty dishes out, or not appreciating the food made. It is sort of no wonder that a woman might get fed up.

I’m not saying either is right or wrong. I’m just saying that I can sympathize with women who say they have had enough after many years.

At the same time, I can also feel sorry for the men who may be bewildered by the change since for them life seemed to just go on an usual. Unfortunately, without an awareness or communication about the new phase of life between the couples, it can lead to a preference to have one’s own life.

Yet, going back to the circle of single lady friends I mentioned before, many women do want to be with men. They just want them to be considerate, capable, and well, trained!

As for me, I feel lucky every day that M and I have a balanced division of roles and that they do not necessarily always follow the traditional ones. We also communicate regularly and openly about how we feel about tasks or where we are with each other. Conversations may not always be kind or happy, but by having them we give each other space and respect to voice our views openly. Then, it is up to each person to decide how to help or worsen the situation.

Sadly, for the couples who decide they cannot find a path forward together, it can be too late. Happily for me, we both never want it to ever become too late.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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