Hola Barcelona!

 Meanderings Abroad  No Responses »
May 152025
 

Some months ago, I was invited to visit Barcelona. At the time, I surprised myself as much as anyone when I said, “Sure!”. Usually, when I say yes to something I regret it later, but I just didn’t think about it this time and when the time got closer, I embraced the potential experience.

To also help diffuse my potential anxiety, I asked a friend to join me. Initially, she wasn’t sure if she could make it and another friend already had plans, so I again uncharacteristically did not fret about it. Then, my friend found she was able to join me after all; and what great fun it was to share the experience and time with her in Barcelona!

Here are just a few photos of the sights:

For the first time in many trips, I decided not to take too many photos. Often, I will capture every dish or the typical views that one sees on a first-time visit. However, this was my time in the Spanish town and I already knew that I loved it. My mind was even more made up as to the beauty and varied offerings of this city. In fact, I have even discussed the idea of getting a little place there because the vibe, the culture, the food, the people all make this even more intriguing and inviting than Nice. The only real downside is that it is further to get to. Still, the 14 hour drive wasn’t that bad with a little stop about halfway in France.

So, we shall see how things develop, but it was a wonderful few days and I feel good about not having worried or backed out of the trip despite my tendency to do such things. 🤪😬😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Freeing the Mind – A little…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 062025
 

It’s been a busy week to kick off the new month of May.

Every day, I find myself saying that it’s temporary or that in a couple of weeks it will be slower. Yet, I have finally accepted – yes, just today after all these years! – that each day is a game of balance and it is going to be different than the one before or the next one. Consistency is not a viable goal to have. Somehow, this new acceptance gives me some peace.

I wrote on a comment post this morning that it is social season like the “Bridgerton” Netflix series. We have been socializing quite a bit catching up with those who are returning after being gone a while, which is lovely but also a little tiring for us since we are early risers every day. No matter how late we go to bed, we are up early. For the most part, this is M’s doing. However, it is also the pups who need to be let out. Also, I’m a partial culprit, though I know I would definitely go ahead and sleep a little later if I could. 🤪 For the next few weeks, it will also be a requirement as the work on our bathrooms has begun and the construction days start at 7:30 am! 😬

So, with these changes of activities and influences of maintaining friendly relations, it is a constant state of fluctuation of schedules in which I try to ensure I get enough writing done or stay on top of the various tasks that I have and want to get done in a day.

However, I realized as I was journaling today that I have started to sound like a broken record. This, then, led me to let go of the idea that I can recreate each day in the same way. This aspiration is beyond reach. If I’m honest, it is also not fully desired no matter how much I might claim otherwise.

It’s never been my dream to have average days. I have never wanted the ordinary life. Therefore, it seems silly, now that I think about it more, to keep trying to fit my daily routine and schedule into such a pattern. So, I shall embrace the variety that each morning offers. While I will hold fast to some repetitive behaviors and try to maintain them, such as getting up to do yoga and meditate and keep up my workout routine, I will also aim to no longer fight the changes that will inevitably come.

Still, I do have a disclaimer lest any reader might think this introverted, OCD organizer should think a massive personality shift is on the brink. I am not fully embracing spontaneity in the sense that scheduling and my task alarms are no more. No, indeed! These remain an important part of my life!!! I’m just saying that the times of the alarms might be adjustable day to day; AND, I will still have a schedule each day! 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Spring-ing!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 292025
 

Yikes, the time has flown by and April is already almost over. I hardly know how the time has passed, but life is good.

I am always in a state of trying to balance all the things I want to do (which is a lot) with what I have to do (which isn’t that much). Then, it’s also about not stressing about not getting that much done in the end. Sometimes, I think the luxury of having my own time without structure is not always good for me. Then, I recall what it used to be like with a full-time job and a life on demand….

The other day, I had a call with a mentor for the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program (MMTCP) that I am in for the next two years. In our conversation, I laughed at my lack of interest in group activities unless they are on my terms. Some might say I am a control freak, but I consider it a strength of knowing who I am and what works for me. It is not that I am inflexible, but rather that most people are inconsistent and untrustworthy in their promises/commitments that it is not worth it to me to let them lead the way.

Someone else said to me that sometimes people just want to be led.

In my experience, I feel this is more often the case for the majority. It works OK for me, because by leading I can do things “my way”. On the other hand, I also appreciate it when others step up to lead.

So, ultimately, I am content with doing my own thing. I have twice said this week that I am very independent. It’s a quality, I value. Freedom and independence are high requirements for my life. Both I have the privilege of claiming these days.

Therefore, with that in mind, April has passed quickly. May is already full of activities and such, but the weather is turning and more outside time is ahead. Soaking up the Vitamin D always makes me happy, even if not always the most productive!

Well, back to it for now!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Camino de Santiago: Planning

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  No Responses »
Apr 102025
 

Some years ago, my mom or someone gave me a book about walking on trail as a kind of pilgrimage. I’m not quite sure why it stuck in the back of my mind over the years as I’ve read a lot of books so far in my lifetime. Even though now I cannot remember the title of the book, I recall the idea of it.

Then, there came an uptake in the spread of online awareness about the Camino de Santiago.

Perhaps, it coincided with my moving to Europe. Perhaps, it was the pandemic. Perhaps, it was just the Universe bringing it back from my past to the present.

My mom and I discussed it as an option for one of our mother-daughter trips, but then somehow time passed and now she’s not sure it’s for her. Then, I read stories about people’s trips going over the Pyrenees, or across Spain. Nothing appealed to me enough to make it a reality. I was never a hostel traveler and my one backpacking-camping outing turned me off from trail walking or such outdoor activity for the rest of my life.

However, one day I saw a post about the Portuguese Camino. Upon further research, I discovered the walk is a lot less taxing. The views are spectacular of the coastline, which is far more appealing than that of trees, bugs, fields, or mountains. Also, the biggest draw was that the terrain is not so challenging making the walk enjoyable.

Also, having waited long enough now, roughing it is no longer a requirement. 😅

So, in a conversation with a friend, we discussed mutual interest. We discussed if we were compatible walking companions. Then, we did some research. Our findings led us to a company that will do luggage transfer so we don’t have to carry our things all day – check ✅; we can have a comfortable bed and our own shower at the end of the day – check ✅; we could even afford single rooms for my introverted needs to recoup at the end of the day – check ✅; breakfast, some dinners, and other transfers were included – check ✅; all within a reasonable budget – check ✅!

Thus began the plan. We are nearly ready to hit go on the booking to pay for the walking portion. We are also planning what the flights, etc. will look like before and after. But, it’s all looking good! I so love it when hints of the past come to fruition in the present and then a plan comes together. ❤️

Stay tuned as we get closer to it all happening (in October).

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Health: Fibroids – Update 1

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 082025
 

So, back in February when I wrote about my fibroids, I was told to go for an MRI with some unremembered-named injection. Following that, I was also asked to go do my blood tests for any uterine cancer flags. Even with the results of those seemingly OK, my doctor continued to insist that I needed to seriously consider surgery – and the sooner, the better.

Due to the language barrier, I’m not ever sure if there is some cultural misunderstandings as to the level of seriousness expressed or if, like in Japan, they just won’t tell you when there is something seriously wrong. So, I wrote out my very specific questions in English and asked the doctor to translate them herself into Italian to be sure I expressed myself properly.

I also made an appointment to get a second opinion as I was not getting the answers I felt I needed. However, eventually, I did get some responses and was asked to visit again to check the status of my fibroids after two months of no longer taking any hormone replacement therapy medications. Instead, I’ve been taking natural supplements, which have been working just fine.

Monday was the day. I had scheduled the second opinion doctor for after this visit in case I still didn’t feel comfortable about the push for surgery.

Well, these growths do like to keep growing. It seems that they’ve done a .7 mm growth on one and others with also increased sizes in just the last two months. This is without anything feeding it. My mom suggested it could be caffeine or, at least, coffee, but I only drink one cup of coffee a day and the amount is minimal. No definitive research has proven this is a factor either, but it still could be. In any case, this last check up was enough to convince me that some action is needed.

So, surgery is being scheduled. All steps are moving forward.

I didn’t end up getting the second opinion in the end, because being prodded once a day seemed plenty and there is no refuting the increased size despite not having working ovaries nor giving it hormones to feed upon. Since I do not need any of the organs, etc. for reproductive purposes and I’m definitely in menopause after almost two years of no flow, it seems safe enough to go ahead and just remove future risks.

While the timing isn’t perfect, when would it ever be? The doctor was very strong in expressing that waiting until the fall was not a good idea. So, there you have it. I will keep updating as more develops or post-surgery.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Checking In

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 022025
 

The ever evasive aim to get into a flow is looking to be within arm’s reach these days. We had a quick trip up to France to see friends and are back now with no more out of town visits until mid-May – well, M is away for a night, but that’s just fine. 😅

This means that perhaps I shall get myself posting here again with fewer white spaces on the calendar.

There is much on my mind, but I haven’t yet had a chance to parse them out enough to work out how to write them out. So, for now, this is just a Hi 👋🏼!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Basking in Spring

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 252025
 

Spring has sprung. The sun is shining with a blue sky that holds big puffy clouds as they float above. Birds of unknown varieties and quantities sing their songs as some, like the swallows, nestle into their homes making room for the coming babies. The lizards and bugs have also come out to play. The brown is turning to green or pockets of color while buds give a hint of more to come.

It’s a beautiful time of year.

For me, it’s the sun. I move myself out into the light to type, write, read, or do just about anything under the warming rays. It’s this period before the heat becomes unbearable, but after the chill has left the air. The cool mornings and nights burn off into comfortable t-shirt (or sports bra only) temperatures. This is perfection.

Also, aside from the sounds of nature – which is never “quiet” despite what people try to romantically tell you, it is peaceful. It is quiet from most modern noises, though I can hear the cars go by or an occasional hunk of metal will fly overhead. Still, there are no people sounds. No energy shifts disrupting my calm or keeping me on edge are present. I can bask in the tranquility of stability.

I was bordering on a proper explosion of frustration. It’s not from a lack of love. It’s just from a lack of peace. My nervous system felt frayed. Today, I feel the beginnings of refreshment and rejuvenation.

While I don’t always consider myself as more self aware than others, it is in moments like this when I wonder how people survive if they aren’t aware of their energetic needs, or the impact of others on them. Then, I realize the state of stress and anxiety in the world. The number of unhappy people. Those who take their lives to escape. Or, even the societal trend to hide away in the online world and avoiding soaking up all that nature has to offer. When you are constantly surrounded by the makings of man and do not have the chance to escape into the truly real world, it must be depressing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know I am NOT a lover of nature. You are not going to catch me droning on about wanting to head off on a hike or talk about the million different types of flowers or tell you I’m off to work in my garden. That is still not me – at all. However, there is enough joy to be found in sitting in stillness or in quiet while nature moves around me. I’m content to absorb the goodness.

So, here I sit with my man-made computer writing but listening, smelling, seeing, and feeling all that nature has to offer.

~T🔥🐉♋️

On the Edge…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 202025
 

The other day, I messaged with a writing adoptee friend as part of our regular check-ins with each other. She replied back that my list of goals and activities for the next two weeks made her exhausted reading it, to which I laughed. For me, it didn’t feel like much.

When one lives with a high-octane, super-charged speeding bullet train partner, anything else that anyone who is not him does may be considered as “not much”. While this can be very motivating to stay productive and active, it also has its downsides when it comes to more personal matters — especially for an introvert who needs time to process, recharge, and take action. There are times when the one-tracked fast train feels the need to play chicken with the multiple-stop slow-paced one.

It is in the game that I struggle. I dislike being pushed. I hate being made to feel stupid, wrong, or disrespected for my method, my way of thinking, my way of behaving. Furthermore, I feel hurt when things I share about myself are immediately turned against me in a joke, and then told that it is “what we do” when we banter.

We do banter. We don’t use the same tactics.

When the game is presented on his terms, there is no doubt as to who the victor will be — exactly as he wants it. It’s a power game.

Unfortunately, the power game also includes presenting himself as a victim so that it seems that I am the one not playing fairly, not playing according to his rules, not playing correctly. In the victim role, he claims I take things out of context. He suggests I am overly sensitive. He laments that he cannot say anything, we cannot discuss anything, or I get upset. He claims his reactions are my reactions because he only wants to see them in me.

Never in this “game” is it suggested that HE has a role as well or that HE is the contributor to and source of the response.

So, I find myself tired. I find myself a little depressed. I find myself on the edge.

I know it is not a malicious pattern. I understand that the best course of action is to “let him” be the way he wants or needs to be and focus on my own reaction, well-being, etc. I am trying to focus on all of the positive and healthy ways of responding. However, it is not an easy task.

There’s a concern that one day we will find ourselves like I see my parents sometimes. Neither speak of their inner thoughts and feelings to the other. Both lonely in their souls as they live with the one to whom they’ve committed their souls whilst in this life cycle. Together, they are great administratively. It’s a safe space for them. Separately, they both crave connection in the heart. So, it is with this in mind that I try to maintain awareness and conscientiously react so as not to pave a worn path in this behavior. Yet, patterns seem to repeat against my will.

Do I just not engage at all? How does that, then, play out?

Do I engage with caution? Does it, then, seem as if I am playing a power game against my wish?

You can see how this is a complicated road to take.

So, for now, we avoid the unspoken. Naively, we probably both hope that it is just a phase that will pass and we will be able to tell each other everything about anything, behave as we always have, and bygones will be bygones.

At the moment, though, I crave growth and change in a positive, upward and forward direction. Fingers crossed, we will head that way together. 🙏🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Still Catching Up

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 142025
 

The week has flown by. I suppose not arriving home until Monday helps with that, but also it’s been a flurry of catching up on things. Now that it is Friday, I feel as if I’m approaching being caught up even though my body is not sure.

Physically, I’m a bit out of whack. My hips are misaligned causing some problems with my back, which also affects my neck and shoulders. My sciatica problem is flared due to the extra travel. I’ve had two sessions with my physio/bodywork guy and it’s helped massively. He’s given me some light exercises and encouraged me to restart my yoga practice gently. So, I am going to focus on that more this weekend into the next week until I see him again. The amount of pain the sciatic nerve causes is something else. I do not wish that or chronic pain on anyone. What a drag!

Also, my weight is a downer at the moment thanks to eating too much and travel. So, this is a definite focus for me as I refuse to gain more weight! I already have concerns about my fibroids and hormones that I cannot also let my weight go now….💪🏽💪🏽

Mentally, I’m good, I think. But, the weather has been very spring-like with bouts of rain and glimpses of sunshine which affect my mood. I’m trying to stay on the positive side, though, knowing that the sunny weather will be here soon enough. I mean, the pool guys are coming on Monday to remove the cover and get it ready for the season, so I cannot complain, right?! ☀️💪🏽

Spiritually, I feel pretty great, actually. Life is very good. 🥰

In other aspects of life, I’m finally caught up with my writing progress and the PocketMFA course. I am waaaay behind on the start of my Mindfulness Meditation teaching course, but that is going to wait until at least the end of next week. However, I will make sure to add it to my todo list regularly so that it doesn’t get neglected. I’m glad that they do a slow start as I also need to back into the habit of meditating regularly.

So, with that, I’m happy it is Friday with a nice easy weekend ahead! TGIF, right?! 🤪

~T 🔥♋️🐉

Family Time

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 092025
 

Family. Such a loaded and complicated word. So much is wrapped up in this two-syllable (or three if you enunciate it fully) word.

When you’re an adopted person, this word has even more implications and nuances. We are told that we are lucky because our family “chose” us. Or, as in my case, I feel privileged to have a family that I call mine.

Still, the subtle subtexts of my relationship with and to this family are shadowed in the reality of my having created a very full life away from them. One of my main explanations is that I never quite felt that I fit in to the family, or the USA, so that becoming an expat felt natural – why not actually be a foreigner when you already feel like one?

Yet, I remember many years ago one of my cousins said to me in a strange moment, “When you make it big, don’t forget your family.” First, who knew that I was going to make it BIG? Second, why would I forget my family? Now, those words have a touch of foreshadowing in them. I haven’t made it “big” per se, but in the words of that very same cousin this past week, I have made a good life for myself.

This is true.

Also, I have not forgotten my family.

I only have two uncles — one on each side of my parents. One is an in-law and the other, my father’s brother. Both have always treated me as family with great kindness, attention, and I believe, love. A few weeks ago now, one of them left us behind on our walk through this life. Everyone around him feels his loss, especially his brother – my father.

Both of my parents hold my heart together, in different ways, of course. My mother keeps my heart strong and practical. My father keeps it firm yet fragile. So, when he cried in his grief my heart cracked while her strength kept it from breaking.

With this sight on the other side of my screen, I determined that I needed to go home and see the family.

That side of the family is complicated, messy, and fractured in the most dysfunctional of ways. I mean, really, whose family isn’t when you peel away the layers? Yet, I always have made an effort to see my aunts and uncle when I visit home in Oregon. My cousins and I have kept a thin thread going over the years, but I think it is safe to say that we all sort of believed our parents and siblings were still long with us. In essence, we got complacent taking each other for granted.

Then, two members of the family passed away in a short period. Suddenly, we are faced with mortality and re-evaluating what is important.

Family.

So, during this visit, I got to see the cousins. I visited with my aunts. I also spent quality time with my parents. Time is limited on this earth, and as we do not know how much time we have left with one another, it seems silly to waste even a moment on the complications, the disagreements, the judgements. For me, once I call you family, there is nothing that can take that title away. Although I missed the deaths of my grandparents, they visited me in my dreams to say good-bye. Even still, I felt sad that I wasn’t old enough, or rather mature enough, to hold them in better esteem to have prioritized time with them and upon their passing.

Thankfully, time teaches us and we grow (sometimes).

While making a return trip to the States was not an ideal, I am so so thankful that we had the time and means to make sure I could do it. The time spent this past week with family has been more than meaningful, but impactful of the fullest kind.

So, hold on tightly to those whom you call family – whether or not they are related by blood. They may not be there tomorrow, so make the most of today.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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