Health: Fibroids – Update 1

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 082025
 

So, back in February when I wrote about my fibroids, I was told to go for an MRI with some unremembered-named injection. Following that, I was also asked to go do my blood tests for any uterine cancer flags. Even with the results of those seemingly OK, my doctor continued to insist that I needed to seriously consider surgery – and the sooner, the better.

Due to the language barrier, I’m not ever sure if there is some cultural misunderstandings as to the level of seriousness expressed or if, like in Japan, they just won’t tell you when there is something seriously wrong. So, I wrote out my very specific questions in English and asked the doctor to translate them herself into Italian to be sure I expressed myself properly.

I also made an appointment to get a second opinion as I was not getting the answers I felt I needed. However, eventually, I did get some responses and was asked to visit again to check the status of my fibroids after two months of no longer taking any hormone replacement therapy medications. Instead, I’ve been taking natural supplements, which have been working just fine.

Monday was the day. I had scheduled the second opinion doctor for after this visit in case I still didn’t feel comfortable about the push for surgery.

Well, these growths do like to keep growing. It seems that they’ve done a .7 mm growth on one and others with also increased sizes in just the last two months. This is without anything feeding it. My mom suggested it could be caffeine or, at least, coffee, but I only drink one cup of coffee a day and the amount is minimal. No definitive research has proven this is a factor either, but it still could be. In any case, this last check up was enough to convince me that some action is needed.

So, surgery is being scheduled. All steps are moving forward.

I didn’t end up getting the second opinion in the end, because being prodded once a day seemed plenty and there is no refuting the increased size despite not having working ovaries nor giving it hormones to feed upon. Since I do not need any of the organs, etc. for reproductive purposes and I’m definitely in menopause after almost two years of no flow, it seems safe enough to go ahead and just remove future risks.

While the timing isn’t perfect, when would it ever be? The doctor was very strong in expressing that waiting until the fall was not a good idea. So, there you have it. I will keep updating as more develops or post-surgery.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Checking In

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 022025
 

The ever evasive aim to get into a flow is looking to be within arm’s reach these days. We had a quick trip up to France to see friends and are back now with no more out of town visits until mid-May – well, M is away for a night, but that’s just fine. 😅

This means that perhaps I shall get myself posting here again with fewer white spaces on the calendar.

There is much on my mind, but I haven’t yet had a chance to parse them out enough to work out how to write them out. So, for now, this is just a Hi 👋🏼!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Basking in Spring

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 252025
 

Spring has sprung. The sun is shining with a blue sky that holds big puffy clouds as they float above. Birds of unknown varieties and quantities sing their songs as some, like the swallows, nestle into their homes making room for the coming babies. The lizards and bugs have also come out to play. The brown is turning to green or pockets of color while buds give a hint of more to come.

It’s a beautiful time of year.

For me, it’s the sun. I move myself out into the light to type, write, read, or do just about anything under the warming rays. It’s this period before the heat becomes unbearable, but after the chill has left the air. The cool mornings and nights burn off into comfortable t-shirt (or sports bra only) temperatures. This is perfection.

Also, aside from the sounds of nature – which is never “quiet” despite what people try to romantically tell you, it is peaceful. It is quiet from most modern noises, though I can hear the cars go by or an occasional hunk of metal will fly overhead. Still, there are no people sounds. No energy shifts disrupting my calm or keeping me on edge are present. I can bask in the tranquility of stability.

I was bordering on a proper explosion of frustration. It’s not from a lack of love. It’s just from a lack of peace. My nervous system felt frayed. Today, I feel the beginnings of refreshment and rejuvenation.

While I don’t always consider myself as more self aware than others, it is in moments like this when I wonder how people survive if they aren’t aware of their energetic needs, or the impact of others on them. Then, I realize the state of stress and anxiety in the world. The number of unhappy people. Those who take their lives to escape. Or, even the societal trend to hide away in the online world and avoiding soaking up all that nature has to offer. When you are constantly surrounded by the makings of man and do not have the chance to escape into the truly real world, it must be depressing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know I am NOT a lover of nature. You are not going to catch me droning on about wanting to head off on a hike or talk about the million different types of flowers or tell you I’m off to work in my garden. That is still not me – at all. However, there is enough joy to be found in sitting in stillness or in quiet while nature moves around me. I’m content to absorb the goodness.

So, here I sit with my man-made computer writing but listening, smelling, seeing, and feeling all that nature has to offer.

~T🔥🐉♋️

On the Edge…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 202025
 

The other day, I messaged with a writing adoptee friend as part of our regular check-ins with each other. She replied back that my list of goals and activities for the next two weeks made her exhausted reading it, to which I laughed. For me, it didn’t feel like much.

When one lives with a high-octane, super-charged speeding bullet train partner, anything else that anyone who is not him does may be considered as “not much”. While this can be very motivating to stay productive and active, it also has its downsides when it comes to more personal matters — especially for an introvert who needs time to process, recharge, and take action. There are times when the one-tracked fast train feels the need to play chicken with the multiple-stop slow-paced one.

It is in the game that I struggle. I dislike being pushed. I hate being made to feel stupid, wrong, or disrespected for my method, my way of thinking, my way of behaving. Furthermore, I feel hurt when things I share about myself are immediately turned against me in a joke, and then told that it is “what we do” when we banter.

We do banter. We don’t use the same tactics.

When the game is presented on his terms, there is no doubt as to who the victor will be — exactly as he wants it. It’s a power game.

Unfortunately, the power game also includes presenting himself as a victim so that it seems that I am the one not playing fairly, not playing according to his rules, not playing correctly. In the victim role, he claims I take things out of context. He suggests I am overly sensitive. He laments that he cannot say anything, we cannot discuss anything, or I get upset. He claims his reactions are my reactions because he only wants to see them in me.

Never in this “game” is it suggested that HE has a role as well or that HE is the contributor to and source of the response.

So, I find myself tired. I find myself a little depressed. I find myself on the edge.

I know it is not a malicious pattern. I understand that the best course of action is to “let him” be the way he wants or needs to be and focus on my own reaction, well-being, etc. I am trying to focus on all of the positive and healthy ways of responding. However, it is not an easy task.

There’s a concern that one day we will find ourselves like I see my parents sometimes. Neither speak of their inner thoughts and feelings to the other. Both lonely in their souls as they live with the one to whom they’ve committed their souls whilst in this life cycle. Together, they are great administratively. It’s a safe space for them. Separately, they both crave connection in the heart. So, it is with this in mind that I try to maintain awareness and conscientiously react so as not to pave a worn path in this behavior. Yet, patterns seem to repeat against my will.

Do I just not engage at all? How does that, then, play out?

Do I engage with caution? Does it, then, seem as if I am playing a power game against my wish?

You can see how this is a complicated road to take.

So, for now, we avoid the unspoken. Naively, we probably both hope that it is just a phase that will pass and we will be able to tell each other everything about anything, behave as we always have, and bygones will be bygones.

At the moment, though, I crave growth and change in a positive, upward and forward direction. Fingers crossed, we will head that way together. 🙏🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Still Catching Up

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 142025
 

The week has flown by. I suppose not arriving home until Monday helps with that, but also it’s been a flurry of catching up on things. Now that it is Friday, I feel as if I’m approaching being caught up even though my body is not sure.

Physically, I’m a bit out of whack. My hips are misaligned causing some problems with my back, which also affects my neck and shoulders. My sciatica problem is flared due to the extra travel. I’ve had two sessions with my physio/bodywork guy and it’s helped massively. He’s given me some light exercises and encouraged me to restart my yoga practice gently. So, I am going to focus on that more this weekend into the next week until I see him again. The amount of pain the sciatic nerve causes is something else. I do not wish that or chronic pain on anyone. What a drag!

Also, my weight is a downer at the moment thanks to eating too much and travel. So, this is a definite focus for me as I refuse to gain more weight! I already have concerns about my fibroids and hormones that I cannot also let my weight go now….💪🏽💪🏽

Mentally, I’m good, I think. But, the weather has been very spring-like with bouts of rain and glimpses of sunshine which affect my mood. I’m trying to stay on the positive side, though, knowing that the sunny weather will be here soon enough. I mean, the pool guys are coming on Monday to remove the cover and get it ready for the season, so I cannot complain, right?! ☀️💪🏽

Spiritually, I feel pretty great, actually. Life is very good. 🥰

In other aspects of life, I’m finally caught up with my writing progress and the PocketMFA course. I am waaaay behind on the start of my Mindfulness Meditation teaching course, but that is going to wait until at least the end of next week. However, I will make sure to add it to my todo list regularly so that it doesn’t get neglected. I’m glad that they do a slow start as I also need to back into the habit of meditating regularly.

So, with that, I’m happy it is Friday with a nice easy weekend ahead! TGIF, right?! 🤪

~T 🔥♋️🐉

Family Time

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 092025
 

Family. Such a loaded and complicated word. So much is wrapped up in this two-syllable (or three if you enunciate it fully) word.

When you’re an adopted person, this word has even more implications and nuances. We are told that we are lucky because our family “chose” us. Or, as in my case, I feel privileged to have a family that I call mine.

Still, the subtle subtexts of my relationship with and to this family are shadowed in the reality of my having created a very full life away from them. One of my main explanations is that I never quite felt that I fit in to the family, or the USA, so that becoming an expat felt natural – why not actually be a foreigner when you already feel like one?

Yet, I remember many years ago one of my cousins said to me in a strange moment, “When you make it big, don’t forget your family.” First, who knew that I was going to make it BIG? Second, why would I forget my family? Now, those words have a touch of foreshadowing in them. I haven’t made it “big” per se, but in the words of that very same cousin this past week, I have made a good life for myself.

This is true.

Also, I have not forgotten my family.

I only have two uncles — one on each side of my parents. One is an in-law and the other, my father’s brother. Both have always treated me as family with great kindness, attention, and I believe, love. A few weeks ago now, one of them left us behind on our walk through this life. Everyone around him feels his loss, especially his brother – my father.

Both of my parents hold my heart together, in different ways, of course. My mother keeps my heart strong and practical. My father keeps it firm yet fragile. So, when he cried in his grief my heart cracked while her strength kept it from breaking.

With this sight on the other side of my screen, I determined that I needed to go home and see the family.

That side of the family is complicated, messy, and fractured in the most dysfunctional of ways. I mean, really, whose family isn’t when you peel away the layers? Yet, I always have made an effort to see my aunts and uncle when I visit home in Oregon. My cousins and I have kept a thin thread going over the years, but I think it is safe to say that we all sort of believed our parents and siblings were still long with us. In essence, we got complacent taking each other for granted.

Then, two members of the family passed away in a short period. Suddenly, we are faced with mortality and re-evaluating what is important.

Family.

So, during this visit, I got to see the cousins. I visited with my aunts. I also spent quality time with my parents. Time is limited on this earth, and as we do not know how much time we have left with one another, it seems silly to waste even a moment on the complications, the disagreements, the judgements. For me, once I call you family, there is nothing that can take that title away. Although I missed the deaths of my grandparents, they visited me in my dreams to say good-bye. Even still, I felt sad that I wasn’t old enough, or rather mature enough, to hold them in better esteem to have prioritized time with them and upon their passing.

Thankfully, time teaches us and we grow (sometimes).

While making a return trip to the States was not an ideal, I am so so thankful that we had the time and means to make sure I could do it. The time spent this past week with family has been more than meaningful, but impactful of the fullest kind.

So, hold on tightly to those whom you call family – whether or not they are related by blood. They may not be there tomorrow, so make the most of today.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Health: Fibroids

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 272025
 

About to head off home for the next week or so, but wanted to get a post out to maintain a sense of normal. So, back to previously scheduled programming on health – my health.

This post, I’d like to talk about fibroids. If you’ve never heard of these lovely items in the human body, let me give you a brief. More properly known as uterine fibroids, they are non-cancerous growths that develop in or around the uterus made up of muscle and fibrous tissue. Another name for them are uterine myomas or leiomyomas, if you do ever hear of them this way.

Apparently, fibroids are pretty common and perhaps extra estrogen along with your genetic make-up can cause them to be a part of the female reproductive system. Who knows how long they have been part of me, but it could have been a reason for not getting pregnant when I had wanted to. Otherwise, I feel as if I really have had no major issues with them except for my yearly visits to the doctor when they pointing them out to me.

When I started my peri-menopause, I got some hot flashes, which took me to a doctor in Japan. She noticed the growths and offered a new treatment for reducing their size, but this increased my hot flashes. Thus, I did not continue the treatment since hot flashes are probably the worst side effect of peri- / menopause, in my opinion. However, since then, it seems that these lovely tumors of the non-cancerous type have enjoyed being hosted in my uterus so much that they have grown and multiplied.

Again, I have not worried nor paid them too much attention. Also, with menopause approaching, I looked forward to their shrinking since the lack of estrogen should discourage their habitation. Well, last year, menopause came, at last. The hot flashes increased. Other minor symptoms presented themselves. So, I researched about hormone replacement treatment (HRT).

Chemical HRT did not seem the way for me.

So, I studied bio-identical HRT and began treatment. My gynecologist here warned me that the fibroids would grow again. I dismissed her concern. Treatment started and proceeded great. My moods were better, hot flashes gone, all looking good. That was, until I went in for a checkup after starting the new meds.

Concern showed on my new doctor’s face. An ultrasound was booked. Then, an MRI with some lighty-up fluid was booked.

The result? I’m off the HRT treatment. I’m on some natural supplements to reduce hot flashes in hopes that they will not return. Seems all good, right?

Well, the doctor has recommended that I have the uterus out completely. The estrogen supplements is not ideal since the fibroids are so prevalent and strong that they will continue to grow. However, I do not feel that I have many other symptoms to convince me to remove it altogether. Of course, there is still risk of uterine cancer and I could avoid that risk. There’s probably other benefits, but as expected, there’s a balancing effect of negative risks, too.

So, what to do?

I’m not sure yet. I’ll share in an upcoming post about my back pains and how they may likely be related to the fibroids. I have time to think about it. I think I will see how the growth is in six months. If it isn’t better or has worsened, then I guess that I can reconsider. It has been advised that if I do end up doing it, the winter time is better to rest in recovery, so I have time.

That’s the brief of it. Fibroids. Who knew, eh?

~T 🔥🐉♋️

In Memory Of: Larry Bilyeu

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 252025
 

Well, I hadn’t planned to fly home so soon but when you lose someone who was truly larger than this life, it feels right to go be amongst those who also loved him and got to be touched by his light while he walked in our time and space. 

He always made time to come see me or ensure we got in a visit whenever I was around. So, I’m glad I got to see him during my visit home last May. His big smile matched his generous heart and my Uncle Larry will be greatly missed. 

The Bilyeu Siblings: my dad (Mike), Aunt Linda, and Uncle Larry

May you go in peace and walk amongst the angels. 😇

Health Report: Part 1

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 202025
 

Generally, I have grown up with the idea that our health matters are something private. We don’t talk about them with other people outside our family and even within the family, we might not talk about it in too much detail unless asked specifically.

When my grandmothers were aging and deteriorating in their health, I wasn’t around much. I was in my early 20s living my life as is normal. However, when I learned the truth of their decline, I felt sad to be left out of the loop in not knowing the details of their conditions. These days, it is more acceptable to talk freely about our health without it being awkward or seeming as if we are divulging too much information about ourselves.

While I tend to be quite open on talking about all the taboo subjects because I don’t believe they should be considered as such, I haven’t actually written much about my personal physical health unless it had to do with my broken ankle, yoga, or my mental state. So, I’m thinking I’m going to add to the health hashtag with a few updates about recent health issues. It also helps to serve as a record for myself since I seem to be getting more forgetful these days. Thankfully, I’m organized enough that I have my files in order should anything serious need to be address.

First, I’ll start with I feel fine. I feel healthy physically. However, I do have some aches and pains, plus I am officially in menopause.

Even though I do yoga and stretch regularly, even though I walk a decent amount – thanks to the dogs, travel, and the treadmill in my office -, even though I drink a ton of water most days, even though I have a pretty good awareness of nutrition, diet, etc., I still am struggling with the realities of an aging body, and the effects of life’s wear and tear.

I’ll save the details on specific concerns for individual posts, but here’s a highlight:

  • spine/back – for years I’ve had lower back pains aggravating from either sitting too long or walking too much. So, I’ve had to balance the two.
  • neck – since my 40s, I’ve had neck cracking moments, which don’t feel normal but so far haven’t caused me much issue except for an occasional stiff neck.
  • fibroids – I first became aware of these when I was in Japan. Generally speaking, they are not an issue. I took some experimental drugs to reduce their size, but this increase my hot flashes which I now know were my early signs of perimenopause. Now, they are getting bigger thanks to menopause treatment.
  • menopause – It’s official. I’m no longer in danger of procreating unwittingly. My main symptoms were interrupted sleep, hot flashes, lack of sex drive, dryness, brain fog, and general fatigue. Almost all of these symptoms are now no longer thanks to treatment.
  • sciatica – This was induced by a Thai massage about six weeks ago. I’m not happy at all about this, but it seems to be improving thanks to some regular physio treatments.

So, I hope to cover these in more detail in individual future posts. Perhaps, sharing my own experiences with these issues will help someone who might come across this blog, or feel free to share if you think someone might benefit.

With that, stay tuned!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Hawaii: Family Trip 2025

 Meanderings Abroad  No Responses »
Feb 192025
 

This was a planned holiday for months as a nice way for the family to get together. It was sponsored by my parents for my brother and my niece, and subsidized for us. Never mind that the travel time in both directions was long and arduous, I mean, we were going to Hawaii!

Despite M being grumpy about more travel after our year of over-flying, I was looking forward to spending some time with the whole family. Besides, how can one not love being in paradise?!

So, we had a week of fun.

We went on a Zodiac boat for some snorkeling. We saw a few whales dive and reward us with their tail fins. We saw lots of lovely little fish as well.

We went to a paniolo ranch for a BBQ dinner and some cowboy experience. We ate. M and I danced. M roped a wooden cow. We all laughed.

We sat on the beach, snorkeled and swam in the, what I consider, tepid waters. It was not warm, but it was bearable.

We shopped and ate. We had a ladies’ day out. The boys had guy time. The house was lovely and it was about spending time together, which we did.

The only downside was that Dad got sick after the first day and was unable to participate in all of the above except at home. This, sadly, means that I have no pictures of him to remember the experience outside of our minds, which is a statement of its own, really.

Now, we are back with only a few European trips planned for the rest of the year. Who knows, I might still be on a flight somewhere soon, but now it’s time to focus on work, writing, and resting at home. 🥰

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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