Tara

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Oversaturation

Oct 132022

One of my favorite items to use in analogies is the sponge. It works on many levels – kids at about age eight are little sponges soaking up everything new with curiosity; pain can be absorbed like a sponge, but it doesn’t mean that it has left the body until you squeeze it out, but there will always be a little bit left; and, when we are oversaturated with something it is like a sponge that can no longer absorb any more liquid.

While I am very proud of the platform space that I envisioned and partnered with my lifelong adoptee friend to build in what it is now – The Universal Asian – I became oversaturated; and despite nearly four months being 95% away from it, I still find it doesn’t take much before my absorption capacity is full again.

There are plans for a leadership shift and the space will surely transform into its next version under the new leadership. I feel good about this move knowing that I will still get to benefit from its future success.

In the midst of my excitement to be a bit more free from the space, I eagerly brainstormed and put into motion the building of a writing program under the TUA umbrella. There has been some interest already and I am about 90% ready to start advertising, taking money (this time, my efforts will be paid for), and putting things into place. However, despite my keenness to get things going by this month, or at the latest, in November, I drug my feet.

Upon some reflection and reviewing of my actions, I realized that I am just not yet ready to dive back into regular contact with fellow adoptees and Asian-Americans. I’m not yet ready to be confronted with the struggles, anxieties, stresses, angsts, and all the other bits that have surrounded the uplifting of the Asian voice. It is most definitely NOT that I feel they shouldn’t be shared, expressed, and made public so that others can better understand the state of the Asian-American and adoptee psyche. It IS most definitely that I feel myself absorbing all of those energies to the point that I lose myself and become oversaturated by energies that are not mine.

So, I have compromised with pushing the start date to the new year. In the meantime, I will advertise and do the admin work to get people registered, paid, and ready to go with excitement as the new year begins. It also gives me more time and something to look forward to as I know that once I am in it, I will be loving it.

In the same vein, I recently had a really nice chat with a fellow adoptee. She’s a domestic US adoptee who is having her own awakening of her experience as an adoptee and in reunion. Thanks to her awakening, she has a fire kindling up to provide more education/information about the adoption system and how it affects everyone involved, but while keeping the adoptee as the central importance. I think it is a beautiful initiative and will do my best to support her.

Still, I found myself post-conversation wondering if my gut reflective reaction was because of my current precarious position of not wanting to absorb too much or because of already having absorbed too much. I realized that I had to talk myself out of an urge to step away from everything also related to adoption, even though I had already offered to help proofread, which I would do anyway as that’s my thing!

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it’s just me reminding myself to be aware and be careful. I’m in charge of myself, my emotions, my well-being. So, with that, watch this space for me to see if I can avoid reaching the point of oversaturation.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Fall Reshuffle

Going Mental 1 Response »

Oct 112022

Ever since I was young I have had a thing for rearranging the furniture in my personal space. I did it frequently in my offices at work. I do it regularly in my bedrooms and most rooms that allow for the reconfiguration of movable objects. I attribute it to the fact that it makes me feel as if I have moved to a new “home” without having to go through all the pain and suffering involved in doing so. In a way, it is me taking advantage of the positive aspect of starting somewhere new.

When we first moved into our house a year ago, I had claimed one of the rooms as my office because it had great energy in it. However, it is dark and I realized it made a much better guest room than an office for me. Others would be able to benefit from the positive energy better than me – and most do. So, I moved my office space to the adjacent room, which is quite huge for an office, but it is feasibly one of the brightest rooms in the house with the windows and open area.

Despite the challenge of keeping warm throughout the winter, I really loved working in that room.

Then, summer came and so did all the visitors. It got to the point that I was rarely able to work in my “office”, so much to the chagrin of M, I moved my office to our bedroom as that was the one place where visitors would not need to infiltrate and we have more than enough space for it.

Although it is not perfect, it works until I can get a she-shed made outside of the house itself. Though I have already had two different configurations of the desks, I felt that with the changing season it was time to shake things up again. While I could move back into the previously large room, M reminded me of the chilly winter and admitted that he didn’t really mind my desks in the room. So, what else is a girl to do than to rearrange?

I usually have two considerations when I place my desks. One is to have a fairly decent background space for the video calls that I do. I feel there is nothing worse than white walls or a cluttered and distracting background. Even though I tend to blur it most of the time, one can still see the shadows and I like it to look pleasant.

The other consideration is that the non-computer and screen desk (yes, I have two) has a view out of a window for those moments when I need inspiration while writing.

However, thanks to reading Stephen Kings On Writing I learned that it might be worth a try to write with my desk facing a wall – still with the ability to look at the window now and then. Somehow, I have managed to make both of these considerations a reality.

Thus, my fall reshuffling is complete. The other parts of the house have remained untouched by moi except for finally getting the last of our boxes with books emptied and the shelf looking happy with the few books that I have managed to whittle my library down to since my move to mostly reading e-books.

With that, here’s to another season of productivity and pleasant writing!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Compromises

Going Mental 1 Response »

Oct 062022

Life is a constant up and down like a seesaw.

When I first saw the Korean version of this weird balancing device, I was confused as to why they would consider it play to ask kids/players to stand on the balancing board rather than sit as is the US way of play. I mean, talk about accidents waiting to happen! Over time, I came to appreciate the fact that play is really the teaching of real-life in a more protected, light-hearted, and experiential way. How much more directly can you find a way to learn that you need to find balance to stay up and you have to trust your partner not to knock you off the small little board. If either of you wavers, both are prone to a potential accident.

Also, I found that once one learned the art of the balance between two players, there was a lot more freedom in how one “flies” when the skill is mastered – just do a Google search for images and videos of how these players fly, somersault, and jump in the air.

Unfortunately, I never was brave enough to let anyone jump so much on the board that my feet left it, and am a little sad to admit that I really don’t like the idea of free-flying through the air without all kinds of safety equipment attached to me and below me. My risk-taking approval has a lot of qualifying requirements.

Still, the art of balance is often found in the ability to compromise. This compromise often requires a step forward and out rather than digging heels in with stubborn selfishness.

This week I was meant to go to Florence for another Writing Mini-Retreat on my own. I had booked everything, researched where to go, and was preparing myself mentally when I noticed M had a greyness floating over him for a couple of days. He has a constant state of stress around him anyway related to house financing, so I initially attributed his aura to that. However, when nothing was lifting it I asked directly to which he poured out his frustration on spending money always going out.

A regular point of contention between us is that life requires this outflow of funds. We cannot leave the house without spending money as that is the nature of experiencing life – no matter where we go or what we do. Things cost money. We cannot stay isolated in our home any more than we already do and my own ability to make an income is limited. Since this is the reality, I do not want to feel as if I am a captive in the house or a kept woman when it comes to living life – even if it is somewhat true.

So, when he openly confessed that he felt frustrated that it was going to cost money for me to go to Florence or for him to travel or for us to buy things that we need aside from food, I initially felt irritated. However, with some time and space, I admitted to myself that I didn’t necessarily need to go to Florence as I could try to do my writing locally to save our funds so that he could use the money to take his own break. Since I knew that asking him if he preferred me to do this would result in circular conversation, I made an executive decision to cancel everything for the trip. Luckily, I have long-learned that everything I book should have easy cancellation even if it costs a bit more.

In doing so, M initially tried to deflect and push back his sense of guilt for my action. However, I simply told him to just accept it, but not rub my face in it. I made the decision. I was OK with that decision. I also did not want to be reminded that I could have made a different one.

Through this decision, something magical happened. He reflected. Although he may not say so or realize it consciously, I know that me “sacrificing” the trip caused him to re-evaluate his view on our spending money. Taking our house payment issues out of the equation, we have more than enough money to save and spend reasonably. There is no need for us to feel like captives in our own (almost) house. There is no need for us to begrudge each other the desire to spend or go away for a few days to do the things that we want to do. We can afford it and we need – to some degree – to do it for both of our sanities.

So, like with a seesaw, we have to learn to trust each other and take turns as we allow the other to fly, jump, somersault, and soar in the air with the belief that the board will always be strong below to let us land safely.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Existential Contemplations

Going Mental No Responses »

Oct 042022

Of late, I have been questioning my purpose in this life. When I was heavily into the world of Christian teachings ⛪️, I was convinced my place in the “body of Christ” ✝️ was the butt or bottoms of the feet 🦶🏼; wherever it was that people squashed and used taking the place for granted in its purpose. They are still very important parts of the body, but greatly unappreciated. So, for the most part I have found contentment as that being my general role in the whole of society. 👌🏽

When I read about Buddhism, I accepted the belief that suffering is just a part of life. Through meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️ and yoga, I found that I could cope with the varying degrees of “suffering” that ebb and flow.

However, I am still human and imperfect. My ego wants there to be more than suffering or being the brunt-end of the greater whole. It is in this desire that I struggle.

For the most part, I do not put much stock into human beings. Everyone is fallible – myself included. Everyone will disappoint – myself included. Everyone will be a weakness at some point or another – myself included.

In partnering with another human, we have a tendency to let ourselves believe that person is infallible, will never let us down, and will always be our strength. Basically, we put all our eggs in their basket and expect them to cherish, protect, and keep them from breaking at all costs as we would if we had kept them in our own basket. Some couples just get a bigger basket and put all their eggs together, but if anything happens to either one’s eggs they blame the other for not caring sufficiently to keep them safe. Modern day couplings seem to prefer that each one keep their own basket and avoid the sharing of responsibility for the other’s. What all of these scenarios presume is that the baskets are already full. 🧺

Imagine if, instead, we acknowledge we only have a few eggs in our own baskets and together we add to the filling of each other’s with more eggs while still keeping responsibility and control over our own baskets. Wouldn’t that be more satisfying and less controlled by another, or at least, avoid a sense of co/dependency?

I know – it’s an ideal more than a reality.

Also, I digress. I mean, how does holding on to our own baskets and helping each other fill them up have anything to do with our purpose of existence?

Well, I recently did a search on how to avoid depression or what to do when one has suicidal thoughts and is looking for purpose. It was more for research on my novel, but also somewhat related to my own thought patterns of late – not to worry, though I’m OK, I promise. 🥰

Still, I found the online advice to be rather useless. 🙄 Advice like: find something to be grateful for and focus on that; do something good for others rather than focusing on yourself; reach out to others; etc. are good points, but honestly I call BS on their efficacy. 🤦🏽‍♀️

For one thing, someone who is on an emotional and mental decline will struggle with the first two suggestions as it takes quite a bit of motivation to take action on something. The latter is probably ideal, but to be honest, I can count on two fingers ✌🏽, or maybe even just one ☝🏽, the number of people whom I could reach out to and trust that they would actually listen to me: without judgment, offer of advice, or compare my woes with their own, as feedback to me. Although I never participate in FB posts that say something like “I’d like to see if at least five people will respond to this post as a reaction to suicide awareness or acknowledgment of depression…“, I do not disagree with the sentiment behind them – I just don’t like FB posting that much. 🤪

The fact is that people have their own lives, are figuring out how to survive their own woes, and also mistakenly think they are the only ones experiencing their thoughts and challenges in a world that celebrates the image of “having it all together” or living the perfect life. Therefore, we have somewhat lost the art of getting together for a cup of tea/coffee and sharing with each other the frustrations, challenges, and angst that is called life.

Although I do think I am the most important person in my world, I also know that I am NOT the most important person in others’ worlds. As much as I think that is strange, I respect it. 😜 So, I am trying to revert my mind back to a sense of calm and acceptance as to the importance of being the backside or bottom part – I mean you try imagining sitting down without a soft cushy bum or walk without the bottoms of your feet. I am also reaching out to my one (maybe two) trusted peoples who will let me rant and vent with open-ended ears and love. [Thank you 🙏🏽🥰 – you know who you are!]

Through all of this, I accept “suffering” is a part of life. We are all in it together and together we shall survive if we just give each other a chance to discover our roles/purpose in this life, and give love through compassion where and whenever needed.❤️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Regrouping!

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 272022

We are guest-free now and it feels good. The house has been cleaned, beds are made with the pretense of readiness, and we are clearing our minds to create space for each other as we redefine our routines again.

For all of us who live in the area year-round, there seems to be a collective sigh of completeness as the autumn season begins giving us all a little respite from the heat, mosquitos, and pattern of drink, eat, sleep, repeat. While it is nice to have visitors, it is equally nice to have the quiet.

M and I are focusing on our health and fitness. He wants a “sober October” and I want to finally lose the extra four or five (8 to 10 lbs) kgs that never seem quite able to stay off even when I do manage to lose a couple. So, I’ll be eating better, drinking even less and hitting the gym and yoga more. Menopausal mid-tummy is proving to be a real threat and I want to have a handle on it rather than on me!

I am going to lay quiet the rest of this week (aside from a dinner out tonight) as I recover from a little cold and breathe! So, until October – my reader friends!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Final Visitors

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 232022

This is just a short note as we are in the midst of our final visitors for the year. While we may open our doors for a day or two with pre-arranged visits, our hosting doors will officially be closed as of Monday. Family will be the only exception!

It has been fun and it has been interesting. However, non-stop turnover for six months since the end of March is more than enough, methinks. We have yet to have our own vacation and rest.

So, once we recover and settle a bit, we shall plan our winter months ahead and become visitors of others!

In the meantime, a few more days to go!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Rest In Peace, Your Majesty.

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 202022

She was not my Queen and aside from a fascination at the whole idea of a monarch and the royal family, I have no vested interest in Queen Elizabeth II of England. Yet… I have followed her passing and the pomp that has surrounded the process of allowing her physical body to finally rest with those of her family.

What amazes me, aside from the impressive ceremony that the English have put together for the first time in over 70 years, is the pause of the world to show respect for her life and legacy.

We have been witnessing history. We have been witnessing the end of an era, a standard, a balance of role and duty as held by a leader of the free world. It is also the end of a female monarch for the somewhat foreseeable future in the UK. So, as we have seen the world begin to shift, we also feel it embodied in the loss of her Majesty’s presence. Now, we can only hope that what she inspired is not quickly forgotten amidst egos, power struggles, and the pursuit of fame and fortune.

I would have liked to have known her. I think that who she presented to the world was just a small window into who she was behind closed doors. Although she was but a mere mortal, I imagine that she would have been hard to find fault with in her humanity – but perhaps that is just the unrealistic, now irrefutable, ideal that I apply to the little I know about her.

In any case, while I have not really ever had a list of those whom I’d like to meet one day, I think I do now.

Until then, rest in peace, Your Majesty.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Sleep On My Mind

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 152022

All I can think about right now is how I want to be like the puppies, stretched out on the sofas comfortably snoozing away. 😵‍💫

With a late-ish bedtime (for me) last night after a couple of evening video calls and a 9pm start webinar, I had already altered the biorhythms for the night. Then, a 4:20ish abrupt awakening to the thunder, lightning, wind, and massive downpour jolted me 😳 out of whatever dream I was in.

Whenever I am in the middle of a dream and rudely taken out of it, I am never right the following day. I’m sure it is normal, but I’ve always been this way – thus, also why I absolutely hate to be woken up by others. 😡

So, the storm triggered my brain to run through a mental checklist 🤔 of whether or not all the doors and windows were shut around the house. Since it is still warm, we tend to forget about one or the other being opened for airflow. Luckily, the cleaner had been yesterday and everything had been closed up afterwards. Still, I ended up getting up to check everything as I was home alone.

Assured that all was closed up, I was able to take a few moments to watch as the sky lit up and listen as the rain poured down before trying to return to sleep. It took a bit of help from a book, but eventually I went back to sleep from 5 to about 6:30, when some noise again woke me. My drowsy state 😵 was not eager to be shaken off, but an inner voice shouted that I needed to get up for the animals. With that, I forced myself out of bed, made the bed to avoid getting back in, and started the day.

Between feeding the cats and then the dogs, taking the dogs for a walk, doing training with the dogs, having some breakfast, coffee, etc. and then trying to settle down into a creative writing state, I am still fighting with the voice and my body that is whispering – “…that sofa is soft, the puppies look warm and sweet, wouldn’t it be nice to curl up with them and have a cuddly nap…?”

Alas, I am using my willpower to give myself a 3pm reward of that coveted nap. Until then, I will write. Even if it is about the thing I want most at this moment – sleep 😴. Even if it is only a few sentences on my novel. I will write.

So, this is written – on to the next! 🤪

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Pondering & Pontification

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 132022

On an individual basis, humans can cause a feeling of great respect – like for the late Queen of England – or grave disappointment. Recently, I lamented a sense of discouragement in the actions of someone I know. Yet, I haven’t quite figured out the root of why I feel this way.

Truthfully, I hardly know this person. She is really barely more than an acquaintance despite her long friendship with M. However, after investing quite a lengthy period of time in conversations with her during a visit this summer, I somehow started to feel a sort of kinship with her. Despite our age difference, it was clear through discussions that it is not the number of years that defines one’s maturity or knowledge of life, but more about experiences and an ability to learn from them that gives us the wisdom and courage to alter the repetitive tendencies we have to make the same mistakes or stand in the way of our own life’s evolutions to a happier existence.

These days, with the #MeToo movement, defense of women’s right to have a say over their bodies, ongoing battle for gender equality, and the like, it is important to support one another to feel empowered, independent, and courageous to show that humanity is not based on our gender identification.

However, breaking generational barriers that have brainwashed a section of society to believe that women need men or that happiness can only be found in a perceived companionship despite what may go on out of the prying eyes of others is something I do acknowledge as not easy. Still, I feel it a duty and responsibility for those who come after us to make an effort to raise the standards rather than succumbing to an arbitrary, unreliable, ever-changing status quo.

So, let me be more specific about this particular situation.

A self-made, hard-working, successful woman who raised two children mostly on her own is still seemingly feeling the need to define herself with a relationship. A relationship with someone that NO ONE who has met him whom we know likes. A relationship that she, herself, has questioned, let go of, and ranted about from early on. A relationship with so many red flags that one wonders when the other shoe is really going to drop to reveal what many of us believe to be his hidden true nature. A relationship that, in accordance with the last time we had spoken, was over – much to our relief and support.

Then, thanks to, or unfortunately because of, a social media post, we discover that he is back in her life smiling away and looking ever-so-smug that he has once again snaked back into position where he can continue, what I personally believe, is his long game into conning her into helping himself to her money, house, etc.

Let me be clear – I do NOT think he is a nice or good person. I do NOT think he has the best intentions. I DO think he is deceptive and ruthless. But, hey, who am I?

And, that is the crux of it.

It is not my opinion, nor even those others who all have similar opinions, that matters in the end. It is her life and her decisions; and our job, generally, is not to judge but to support what she does according to what she feels is best.

Or, is it?

So, this is my contemplations of late. I will likely not see her again for many years. After all, it had already been about five or six since I first met her. Therefore, what she does and who does anything with has basically no bearing on my life whatsoever. Thus, that voice shouts out “Stay out of it! It’s none of your business, lady!”

But…

There’s that other voice, the one that wants the world to be more just and right. The one that wants humanity to be better and for individuals to actively work on evolving into their greatest potential. The one that expects more and continues to raise standards – because we all can (including myself, before you think I’m on a hypocritical soap box) do more and be better. The one that believes that we should not encourage nor condone the behaviors of those whom we know in the deepest, darkest parts of minds and souls are not up to snuff.

Thus, this post of pondering and pontification.

In the end, I cannot do anything. I did express my disappointment and then removed myself from having to see any further of her sharings with him – for that is my prerogative. My hope is that we are all wrong about him, and that he will turn out to amaze all of us with his genuineness and love for her. Perhaps, I will then be able to just blame my current sentiments on my obsession with true crime and an overactive imagination.

Only time will tell.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Mortality – In the Physical World

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 082022

For as long as I can remember I have had a very unattached mentality towards the idea of mortality. Perhaps due to the forced acceptance of loss at an early age, I have always kept a logical and unemotional view of death – for death is just a loss of the presence of someone from our lives.

Still, to be fair, I have not had to face the actual death of many who are near and dear to me. I remember my first experience being my last foster father who shot himself when faced with having to be held accountable for his heinous acts against young girls. While I was very sad about his death, I had already detached myself from the idea of him and so it did not touch my core. However, I am certain that I saw him in my sleep on the plane as we returned home from an east coast visit at the time that would match the moment in which he took his own life.

The next death was the sudden loss of the father of my childhood best friend whose passing left us all in shock, and severely rattled the lives of his immediate family for years. I felt his disappearance from this world deeply, but perhaps my frustration at having been iced out of the mourning process with my friend and her family where I had thought I had a second home helped me to cope with the grief initially. It has only been in the past year or so that he said a final good-bye and stopped regularly visiting me in my dreams.

That same year, my maternal grandfather also left us in the physical world, but I saw him for many months in my dreams until I felt sure that he was in a better place, and that he was OK enough for us to wave good-bye to one another with a final “With my looks and your brains, we’ll go far” from him.

Next came my grandmothers and while sad, especially as I didn’t get to see them much due to choosing a life abroad, I felt OK with their passing as life had been long and full for them. I have always believed that when one dies from age, then it is acceptable so that mourning is not so much required. Still, both visited me briefly in my dreams, but I was able to say good-bye to them easily knowing they were in a good after life.

Recently, a former TIUA student (Japanese exchange student of the sister university to Willamette) passed away seemingly because of C19. I hadn’t seen him in years, but he was always a smiling guy with a warm attitude towards me and others. His wife posted on his FB account about his death and I found myself moved by the loss of his spirit in this world. I will likely not dream of him, but it does make me stop to ponder this life and those remaining in it.

The most obvious concern is for my parents. They are no longer young and though I like to think of them as active and vibrant, I am well aware that dementia is a genetic disease, and that the body wears down so that a change is required in accepting the inevitable slower phase of life they shall have to enter sooner rather than later.

My mind is already starting to prepare for the unstoppable end that will eventually come. In doing so, I have realized that my detachment towards mortality does not apply to those who are the closest to me. So, I am mulling this reality over without much joy.

Further, as I type this, I am listening to the live coverage of the potential loss of the Queen of England and it just continues to reinforce this notion of contemplating mortality.

Quite possibly because now I am older and realize that death is not necessarily a welcomed sojourn, I find the idea of losing anyone upon whom I count whether near or far, a heart-dropping and suffocating idea. I suppose it is better that I wrap my head around these things now before I have to face them in real time, but I still welcome distraction….

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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