Tara

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Jun 212022

It seems that my period of angst and frustrations is not yet over. 🥺 Although I had made an attempt to adjust my brain so that I was not thinking like a spoilt child, it only took a few rude words to send me back into the pit of despair.

Basically, I feel untethered. Not lost. Not confused. Not distracted. But, without purpose, meaning, and perhaps even mis- and displaced. 😢

For the second time since being married to M, I find myself in a position of complete dependence with no actionable solution. 😟 Although there are projects I can do around the house – there are plenty -, or words to be written, or various other tasks that could be created, none of them make me feel “useful”. So, when I asked the man to take the garbage up to the top of the drive and he retorted with ‘you know, you’re capable of taking out the garbage and you can’t complain about not having purpose if you want to play the gender card…’ (I paraphrase a bit), I silently stewed in molten lava 🤬 with my frustration at his utter lack of comprehension as to what I thought I had made clear to him the night before. Obviously, I had not either from my own lack of explanation or his lack of desire to understand – I choose to think it is the latter reason. 🤷🏽‍♀️😬

Even my dad, in his wont as a man to try to “fix” the situation, gave me advice to go outside and find projects that will make me feel good with physical exertion or, at least satisfaction that I have something to show for my efforts if there is nothing else I can do.

While neither men were incorrect in their statements and suggestions, both men are missing the point. I am a highly educated, intelligent woman who does not find satisfaction or meaning in doing things around the house or outside. Aside from the fact that I am basically allergic to the outdoors between the bugs, plants, and practically the air, it is my brain and mind that needs to feel valued and worked. Like our Beagle puppies, I need to be challenged and intellectually stimulated with a reward at the end – like money, or treats in the case of the pups. 🐶

My anger arises from being told that I can make myself useful by cleaning up after him, doing his/our laundry, taking out the trash, or doing whatever other chores around the house that he doesn’t want to do because he has purpose as the one making an income and controlling every other aspect of my life. I am not allowed to complain or ask him to do things because I have expressed a dissatisfaction with my current situation. 😳🙄

Admittedly, I realize I may not be helping myself either as I say it is a lack of money, but that I don’t want to work full-time (plus I actually cannot due to our visa) or that I don’t have a sense of purpose each day – which does not equate to doing tasks around the house. Still, I rebuke the idea that I should shut up and take care of things myself no matter if it is domestic or otherwise just because the “man” can’t appreciate the fact that I’m discontent at a lack of control over my own decisions that involve having to spend money, which is basically everything.

So, I am trapped and stuck.

I know it is not easy for him either and realize that my discontent is probably not helping him…. He tried to say that I should see that my purpose for the moment is to support him since he is the only one who can get us through this period of challenges. He’s probably right, but it doesn’t mean that I like it. It also doesn’t change how I feel – for now.

My current solution is to control myself and what I can within my means. I’ve returned to making a daily hourly schedule for myself along with my todo lists. This gives me direction each day at least. I’ve temporarily accepted that my almost 46-year-old self has to ask for permission and funds to spend money on little luxuries like getting my nails or hair done or going out to a cafe to work/write. Plus, I am doing freelance work to try to earn some spending money when I can since my visa is less threatened by that. And so, that is the current reality.

While it keeps me in a bit of a funk, it also is manageable for the moment. 🤪 Maybe now I can focus on writing and doing other productive things that I do enjoy as a distraction 💪🏽 until this phase ends – and, it will eventually. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Same Sh*t, Different Toilet

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 162022

My internal dialog has been the rantings of a spoiled individual – this I freely admit. 🤯

However, does this mean that I have no right to give voice to it or share it with others? Is there a point in which truly no one wants to hear about my lack of ability to go shopping, travel freely, or leave the resort-like villa-style house with a pool when I want to?

Yea, I just heard that previous sentence out loud and thought to myself, “Yes, Tara, yes, there is a point and no one wants to hear you complain about that!”

Still, does my advantaged circumstance negate my right to have feelings of isolation, lack of control, and entrapment?

There’s a saying that everyone has to sh*t, it is just a difference of the kind of bathroom they use. (Actually, I don’t know if that is a saying or if I just made it up, but you get the gist.) 🙏🏽

The fact is that we all got issues that get triggered and core values that get challenged. So, whether my toilet is marble or porcelain or a plastic bucket, I got sh*t just like anyone else.

Although I would never actually take my own life, or at least it would take a lot more angst to push me to that edge, I can appreciate the path that one might walk and eventually follow to the end when presented with that option. It is a lonely place to be in when one feels that they cannot share their frustrations with others, especially those who are closest to them – whatever the reason may be.

Despite a knee-jerk response by most that “they are always there” for someone, we know that isn’t really true. How many times has someone called, but you haven’t answered because you couldn’t be bothered? Or, how often have you meant to reach out to someone, but allowed yourself to get distracted by something else? How much TV watched or dinners out or books read or time doing anything and everything else other than reaching out to family, friends, or even acquaintances has occurred? Don’t worry – I am very guilty of this myself. 🙋🏽‍♀️

So, after two days of trying to keep quiet about my frustrations, I could no longer hold on to the growing lump of darkness inside of me. I believe that people get cancer or other dis-eases because they carry these feelings with them without any ability to let them out. My relationship with M is based on complete and uninhibited openness with each other. Even if we don’t like to hear what the other is saying, we allow each other to have the space to express it, rant on it, or even yell about it, and then, together, adjust to learn from it. It’s when one of us does not share that a void starts to form that neither of us ever want to grow too large in fear that there is no way to close it again.

So, my angst and frustration was in the feeling that I am not able to talk to him without my words, thoughts, and feelings being taken as an attack or dismissed as unimportant, or altogether ignored. He is rightly caught up in his own set of issues and stresses, but it is not often that they get in the way of his ability to rationally respond or listen to me. However, this was the case recently.

Thus, I unloaded – rather nicely for me, if I do say so myself. Nothing was resolved really, but the lump is gone. My sh*t got flushed, so to speak (sorry for the crudity). 😜

Eventually, we will circle back and discuss again, but at least for now, the Dip has leveled out ready for that upward turn.😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Just a Dip…

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 142022

There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off.

Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner.

Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.

Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.

Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.

There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.

Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.

One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.

Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.

So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave 💪🏽 to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck! 🤪

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Pondering the Human Condition

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 092022

Humans are a strange breed of creatures that despite their ability to self-reflect and capacity for advanced cognitive activity tend to not behave much better than animals in packs. Humanity as a whole, when collectively-minded, have the awe-inspiring capacity to achieve greatness beyond the imagination. I mean, the temples and tombs of Luxor and Aswan are proof of this – unless you believe it was aliens.

Yet, whenever new social circles are created there is always the sniffing of butts, tests of the masculine energies (applies to women and men), and dancing around each other to find their positioning in the matrix of newly formed threads that connect us with each other. Observing this ritual from the sidelines is always entertaining and sometimes frustrating.

The past week gave me a great deal to ponder and process as I was forced to interact with both familiar and unfamiliar humans.

So, I will save my revelations for another post as I am still in the processing phase, but now that I know I will have a period of time to regroup I imagine the thoughts shall be flowing in no time. 😀

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Self-Awareness vs Maturity

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 072022

My introversion has been fully challenged the past week or so. I can hardly believe we are already a week into June and I’ve had no time for introspection or a moment to pause and replenish. Well, to be fair, I’ve escaped our house full of guests periodically with morning pool dips or afternoon naps. However, an introvert does not so easily recover with brief moments of solitude. So, today, I’ve taken the majority of the morning and early afternoon to escape to my happy place under the auspice of having a meeting with a friend to discuss a new venture in Orvieto town center – more on that in a later post.

It was actually great to catch up with my friend, but now that our meeting is finished, I’m taking the opportunity to give myself time and space to reflect on the interactions of the past week or so being forced to be amongst others full-time.

Long-time readers, friends, and acquaintances will know that I’m no lover of people. It goes beyond my introversion into a full cynicism of individuals. While I believe in the absolute amazing power of mankind to achieve greatness and be inspirational humans, I doubt most individuals’ ambition, interest, and intention to work toward this. So, my general belief in people as arseholes at the start keeps me from too much disappointment when they prove me right, and allows for pleasant surprise when I am wrong.

A common revelation of a person is in their communications and interactions when amongst new people.

There are the deflectors – those who answer a question with a question because they don’t really want to talk about themselves. This is either from a lack of confidence or a sense of humility presented in not wanting to focus attention on them.

There are the inquisitors – similar to the deflectors, but just start off asking questions of others to keep the conversation away from them, but seeming to be good listeners or showing keen interest in others. Their motives may be sincere interest, or like those above.

There are the ideal conversationalists, who equally ask and answer questions like one might see in the best Wimbledon finale allowing conversation to grow and the art of getting to know others is like watching a beautiful dance performance.

Then, there are the one-man shows – those who share absolutely everything they possibly can whether or not anyone asks them to reveal their opinions or tell tales of their experiences. Not to be a gender-ist, but this is more often than not done by men. No matter the gender identity, the fact is that this kind of person tends to be more common than not.

What is even more interesting to me is when a deflecting inquisitor, like my husband, questions or challenges the one-man show performer. Their response is often what chips away the facade to show who they really are as a person. No matter how old the person is, which we would normally expect to be a sign of maturity, they cannot help but reveal their true colors and level of self-awareness.

We recently had an older individual stay with us. Our judgement of this person had already been slightly colored by a mutual friend providing us with some prior knowledge and information. Still, I did try -somewhat schizophrenically – to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, time and time again it became obvious that this human was not self-aware even though they had 20+ years more of life on me and others. Therefore, responses were often overly embellished or arrogantly hidden with retorts eventually at the level of a high schooler or young 20-something.

This really surprised me, to be honest.

It proved that age does not matter. It is not necessarily the length of time that we walk this earth that helps us to grow and understand the world, but rather the depth in which we allow ourselves to be challenged to learn and improve our quality of lives.

Confirming this doesn’t help my cynicism, admittedly. However, it does add to my understanding of the complex dimensions that make up a human being. While I will still endeavor to respect my elders in the same way I try to respect other people, I also feel as if a new scale of judgment has come into the forefront – how self aware are they?

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Writing and more Writing

Going Mental No Responses »

May 312022

One might think that posting here on a somewhat regular basis – though in waves of consistency and inconsistency – would be enough for me. It seems this is not so.

When I decided that this was the year for me to really put into action my dream of writing and being a writer, I wanted to make some separation in my writing spaces. This blog has been my personal ongoing release to readers known and unknown about my life and views of the world. However, not everything I share here might be appropriate for an intentional audience. Plus, most of the time, this space is semi-unfiltered and unrefined in the finished product.

Therefore, I have started a more “formal” space with specific topics – mostly on writing – on Medium, which is a platform used by many writers with the same intention: targeted topics to build an audience base. So, I thought that I would share it on here just in case it is of interest.

https://theoshwriter.medium.com/

I also have another “blog” where I try to share my novel or creative writing as well as update on posts from Medium. That blog/site will also be the home of my Book Coaching information when I manage to finish the certification and training process. I’m going slowly but surely through that.

Here is that site: https://oshwriter.com/

While I have actually been somewhat hesitant to cross the lines between my public writing persona and my personal one, as shared here, I realize that I need to embrace both versions of me. I will admit that I have started writing under a completely different name that I will not share and will not publicly share articles written with that name as anonymity is needed for my sake as well as that of my friends and family who may be impacted/affected by what I share in those pieces. It has been with lots of consideration as to whether or not I would do that, but some topics are far too personal, controversial, or politically influenced to be safely directly associated with an individual. As it is often an experience that a writer wants to share, I now appreciate why pseudonyms are used as a writer. I mean if JK Rowling and Stephen King can write under different names, surely I can too, right?! 😛

So, there you have it – I seem to have lots of words to spread around in the digital space!

~T 🔥🐉♋︎

Resilient, Adaptable, Flexible, and…

Going Mental 1 Response »

May 262022

temporarily selfless… these are today’s words.

It has been a somewhat emotional, slightly challenging, and a little numbing week. The currency market took the forex fund by surprise drastically decreasing our source of income over a 48-hour period. 😳

Luckily, we are not broke – yet. Luckily, we still have a roof over our heads – for now. Luckily, we still have each other – for sure and forever.

Strangely enough, it was just last weekend when I went on a rant to my partner in life about how I was starting to become numb to decisions being made on my behalf. Some of those decisions I have gone along with based on what I understood at the start, some of them I have had little or no say in because there is nothing I can actually do to offset or affect change to them. Therefore, I have to turn the dial on my emotion of caring toward the down or near ‘off’ side in order to not completely lose my mind or cool – well, at least not much of my cool. 😅

The fact is that I am resilient. Early childhood trauma and drama taught me that and gave me the skills to become so. The Grim Reaper hasn’t taken me yet despite shadows of his presence lurking behind corners at times, so I figure I still got time in this universe.

As part of becoming resilient, I also have learned to be adaptable. Moving from home to home, family to family, country to country, person to person, I can adjust my needs, wants, and focus as required. Learning not to become overly attached to things until proof of longevity is given, I am OK with whatever comes.

One cannot be adaptable without also being flexible. Although I am not flexible in my values or much of my personality 🤷🏽‍♀️, I can be flexible with my time, focus, and priorities. Yoga and meditation 🧘‍♀️ were tools that provided me with the true realization of this gift. Without them, I would not be writing this so confidently, or calmly.

As for the selfless aspect, well, I did put ‘temporarily’. 😬

It is not sustainable to be selfless forever, but when needed I can access it thanks to all of the above. My toolbox of crisis control and management in people and decision-making has its perks when it comes to living the kind of life we/I do. There is much in our world and lives that we cannot control, but there is also much that we can – starting within ourselves.

So, I choose to focus on what I can do. Once those actions are determined, it is just a matter of taking them to ensure that when the stormy waves subside, I am well placed to take advantage of being selfish – and trust me, I will! 😜

~T 🔥🐉 ♋️

Burn Out

Going Mental No Responses »

May 242022

Two years ago I was excitedly preparing to launch The Universal Asian 🙌🏽. Since then, there have been a few variations, twists and turns, ups and downs, but it has become something I am proud of – overall.

Still, for two years it has taken up a large part of my mental space. Is it my passion project? Am I obsessed with it? Could I walk away from it without much pain?

Yes 👍🏽 and No 👎🏽.

I am not a person of passion. I get animated about certain topics. I feel strongly about a lot of things. But, am I passionate about anything? Not really. At an early age, I removed the ability to care too much or to allow myself to become overly invested in anyone or anything so that if it were taken from me or I somehow lost it, I could still survive without any personal injury to me. Therefore, the idea of becoming passion-driven is far removed and a locked away concept for me. So, NO, the platform was not a passion project and I am not passionate about it.

Without passion, then, the short answer is YES to being able to walk away from it without much pain. I could shut it down, close it out, and walk away with only a concern for the team who helps make it run as smoothly as it has been, but no pain in the loss of the space itself.

Mostly, though, YES, I am obsessed with it – to the detriment of myself mentally and emotionally. Also, this causes friction when self-funding such a venture. While there are many pieces of advice and traditional business models that suggest various ways to generate some income, none of them are with the vision that I created for the platform or showing enough potential to generate a significant amount of money to keep things independently afloat due to the current numbers in followings. It takes time to get to the tipping point and we only started two years ago.

When I started, I spoke to someone who had shut down her online magazine asking why it didn’t work. She warned me that the two-year mark would be when we would either make it or break it. She wasn’t wrong. 💡

It’s the burn out 🕯 that I had not quite anticipated. I consider myself fairly resilient, but with rejections, losses, fights, and struggles just within the space itself added to life challenges that we all face – well, it’s become a bit much for me.

While I know this project has meaning, value, and purpose, I am tired. I need to step away to see and appreciate where my efforts have gone. I need to look at the space as a user to find the value in what was created. So, that is what I am doing.

It is not a good-bye or shut down. As a wise person I had just met encouraged, the space can still exist and be open/available while I take a breath away. At the end of the day, money motivates. I mean, without pay, the rest of the team is also taking a break – which tells me that we still need finances 💵 to encourage meaning, value and purpose…. Therefore, as someone who isn’t getting paid either, I think it is even more reasonable that a break is needed.

So, June will be a winding down month with announcements and actions put in place to let everyone know that July and August are going to be quiet as we all, especially I, take a pause to recoup, refresh, and re-evaluate future steps.

At least, I realized I was on a ‘burn out’ before it became a full ‘blow out’, right?! 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Puppies and More Puppies

Going Mental No Responses »

May 182022

Most of my days and nights have been consumed with falling in love with our newest additions to the household – Monty and Pea(nut).

It’s only been a month since they joined our home, but they have stolen our hearts – and all of our attention! 😉

Here’s a link to the photos as it says it all – warning: there are A LOT of photos! 😀

Enjoy!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Worldly Possessions

Going Mental No Responses »

May 122022

In a discussion group yesterday, we talked about the things that we are attached to and what 10 things would we grab or want to save if we were running out of a fire.

As an educator and trainer, this is an activity that we often ask our students as a learning exercise and also an assessment of an individual in group interviews. In trying to answer it for myself, it is always different since I tend to over-analyze the situation and sway from being practical to being sentimental to being minimal.

Our shipment of things finally arrived last weekend and we quickly got busy with unpacking our boxes. Although we felt there wasn’t much, considering the size of our house compared to the size of where we were living in Tokyo, it turns out that we still have a lot of things. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I loathe to imagine how much we will have acquired in five years time after living in our Italian house 😳🤯, but I shall not linger on that.

In unpacking and trying to find a new, semi-permanent home for our belongings, I found a sense of peace, calm, and stability fall over me. Actually, it has been over a year of uncertainty and movement, which causes one to feel unease even if one gets used to it. So, as I was unfolding my clothes – while also doing an ‘edit’ (as per the Home Edit) – I felt my mood lift into a lighter space than it has been lately.

Although I do not think of myself as overly materialistic, I do acknowledge that I have a great appreciation for my belongings – especially my clothes. Somehow, my possessions give me a sense of groundedness, perhaps as a concrete expression of easing my dis-ease in moving around so much in my early years. Funnily enough, now that everything is with me, I am less attached to many of the items that I have hung on to for years.

So, back to the question – what ten things would I want to take with me in the event of a fire?

Practical responses include: paperwork (adoption, birth, marriage), passport, laptop, and clothes – though only if convenient and there is time.
Sentimental responses include: my years of journals, new paintings with value, …

Really that is it. Almost everything is replaceable and, my journals will someday be tossed anyway, so… in essence I really don’t need anything except my paperwork and passport.

Yet, the sense of peace and calm that falls upon me as I sit amidst all of worldly comforts is fully appreciated in this moment. 😜

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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