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_Poems of Paul Celan_ translated by Michael Hamburger

Jun 022017

_Poems of Paul Celan_ translated by Michael Hamburger
Somewhere I found this title on a list of books that one should read and so I put it on my Amazon wishlist of paper books to remember for later.

My mother likes to give physical presents rather than ecards or vouchers so one Christmas a couple of years ago, I got this to read. I had totally forgotten that I put it on a list! 😜

So, it took me a bit of time to get through it as I tend not to read paper books very often outside of the bathroom or occasionally poolside. 😬

However, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Although I have gotten a bit out of reading poetry regularly I find that perhaps I should incorporate it more into my reading repertoire as I find them inspiring and thought-provoking.

Celan’s poems reflect the survival of the Second World War and romantic view of life and love. While I may not keep his work on my bookshelf since I’m decreasing my material possessions I will recommend his work for those interested in poetry. 😍

~T 😀

FWPs

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 012017

First World Problems (FWPs) should seem so trivial and yet I ungratefully linger upon them.

Despite having a roof over my head, extra weight on my body proving I am eating well enough, pets to love, a house full of electronics and so much more, I wallow in self-pity and dark corners.

Recently, I have had a couple of conversations around my desire to live. The honest, deep down truth is that I have very little. The reason I live – at least I think – is for other people. However, perhaps it is not really for them, but my worry, love and sense of responsibility to them.

I live for my husband. For I would feel sad for him to be left on his own again – possibly wandering and searching for another person to love. He has had enough sadness and disappointment in life that I do not feel as if it is up to me to add to that. My love for him is deep; thus, keeping me alive for him.

I live for my family. We still believe in our society today that suicide is a selfish act. People’s responses are generally, “What made someone feel that there was no other choice than to take their life?” Or, “How selfish can someone be to think that they have the right to take their life?” I just never look at it that way, but I know that others do including my family. Therefore, I do not want them to feel that I am ungrateful or unhappy with the life they provided for me.

I live for my friends. There are very few people in my life who are truly my friends. People let each other down all the time with their selfishness (me included!). Still, for the friends I do have, and I am lucky to have them call me as such, I would not want to leave them for what little I can offer them.

So, when I look back at why I would not take the step to end my life, ultimately and ironically, they are all about me! 😔 I do not want to feel guilty, or seen as ungrateful, or deprive others of my existence. 😳

Then, I realize it really is just a FWP that I even have the luxury to contemplate whether or not I would – let alone should.

The world is full of so much turmoil, sadness, and potential for either extreme disappointment or greatness. Therefore, it is up to me and other individuals to remember that my FWPs are indeed trivial and there is so much to be grateful for in my life. Using this gratitude and my God-given gifts to better the world and tip the scales to greatness should be my focus. Or, at least, this is what I am going to start to shift my attention towards as I learn to better balance my ups and downs.

💞T 😁

Lots of TV time

Going Mental No Responses »

May 312017

Well, the past few days have seen me more on the couch than out and about. I realized this morning that I have barely – I have done so, just returning quickly 😉 – left the house since the weekend. The days go by rather quickly and I generally do not notice that I have not been out in the big bad world.

Unfortunately, this week I have been a bit lazy. Or, maybe not unfortunately as I have had time to catch up on my TV shows that have all had season finales. 😀

So, I have seen all my crime shows; binged watch a show last night called Girl Boss, which was really good; finished 13 Reasons Why, which was a bit depressing but still interesting; started the new Anne of Green Gables series Anne with an E, which is okay – it is growing on me, but I am a bit of a classist – preferring the original versions….

If I were to calculate the time spent on all of these shows, it would be a horrible number I am sure. However, sometimes it is beneficial to just have some down time and to let the body recoup from whatever it needs. I did not see my cold sore coming this time despite being fairly tired all of last week, so my body was definitely telling me something!

Now that the explosion has happened I know how to respond to what my body needs – rest and more TV, of course! 😛

~T 😀

It’s a Real Thing!

Going Mental No Responses »

May 302017

So my husband often takes the piss out of me for any number of reasons. If you are not up on your British terminology, this means to tease or make fun of me. The majority of the time I find it aggravating and near annoying when he does it because I lack full appreciation for humor. 😛

Because he is a bit of a drama queen – yes, I mean QUEEN! – he assumes that other people are as well. Therefore, when I have told him that I am allergic to apples, egg whites, beetroot, chocolate etc. he assumes I am also being overly dramatic. Since my reaction is fairly mild when I consume these things, he tends not to take me seriously or if he does, I get zero sympathy. 😐

A few years back, my mother insisted that I get myself tested for allergies as I have never been stung by a bee, but had a massive reaction to bee pollen when I tried it at a farmer’s market. So, I did an allergy test here in the UAE as well as a cheap one back in the States. In the States, I was given an epi pen prescription, but – of course – I have never used them nor renewed it. The test here gave the results mentioned above.

The doctor in the US gave me a sheet of paper of all the items that I may be allergic to with some varying degrees because I also have extreme seasonal allergies.

Just a few days ago, my BFF shared this article with me proving that I am not nearly as insane as my husband might like to attribute to me. I am not saying I am not insane – just not nearly as… :P!

This past weekend, I met someone who understood my tingling symptoms post alcohol. He suggested that I may be diabetic…. The funny thing is that a doctor once suggested this to me when I was tested for hypoglycemia and told I was not. My understanding of diabetes then made me balk at the suggestion; therefore, I was never tested for it. May have been a mistake…as that was a number of years ago….

Anyway, it is a real thing to be only slightly allergic to things and even possibly to be diabetic despite eating fairly well and staying fit…. Oh the joys of life! 😉

~T 😀

Bad Days Happen…

Going Mental No Responses »

May 292017

We often focus on being happy all the time. It is now considered a sort of tragedy if a bad day happens or you somehow are ‘letting it happen’ to you.

The truth is that bad days happen! It is a part of life. There is no good or bad about it, they just pass through.

Yesterday was one of those days.

There are a number of reasons why it was not the best of days. There are a number of source points from previous days, months and years that contributed to the day of more arguments than discussion.

However, knowing that it shall pass makes it bearable. Sometimes bad days happen in succession, but they too pass – just as the good days do.

Often in yoga philosophy we discuss that fact that we should strive to be neither happy nor sad. So many people respond with “What? So, are we just supposed to be robots? I’d rather not be a yogi then….” How sad this response makes me. Why are emotions so celebrated? Why do we have to aspire to being happy all the time?

If we look at social media, everyone takes a snap of themselves happy. No one ever takes a photo of themselves crying or in a rage. Therefore, we perpetuate this image of life being always happy. Why?

As someone with strong bipolar tendencies, I aim for the neutral point. I want to be neither happy nor sad. I do not feel like a robot when I get there, but instead I feel content. When I spend a day that has no drama whether positive or negative, I feel it is a great day. This is contentment.

So, sure good days are nice and bad days do happen, but I’m hoping today is neither one – just a day.

~T 😀

Lovely Weekend

Going Mental No Responses »

May 282017

It ended up being a nice weekend with friends and relaxing.

We did our last brunch for the next month due to Ramadan starting on Saturday morning. We went with a new group of people, which was good, but also a challenge. First, it seems lately I am always over-dressed for things. I sometimes blame my husband for telling me that people will be fancy and then finding out that is not the case. Luckily, I am confident in my body that I was not overly self-conscious about the fact that while one person was in jeans, I was completely on the other side of the scale. 😛

It may also be our last brunch ever here since we are winding down and getting over the brunch scene a bit. Since I was not drinking at all, it sort of loses its fun when everyone is sober! Is that a terrible statement of socializing? 😐

In any case, we did still have a good time and if it was our last, we enjoyed it.

Yesterday was more about running errands and trying not to let the start of Ramadan make us too sad given that we will have to eat behind curtains and in darker venues if we want to eat out. To celebrate we met Z for breakfast at Denny’s. M is not the biggest fan, but I was really wanting an American breakfast that would fill me up. It was a success! I polished off the complete Lumberjack Slam and was full until dinnertime. 😉

We did a few other stops before pushing ourselves to not let the hot temps deter us from hitting the beach. M wanted to get one more sea swim in before the temperature of the water became too gross. I think he is right as this may have been the last weekend for that since it was just cool enough, but definitely not cool. We spent probably two hours in the water having a gab and soaking up the sun.

It was definitely what all of us needed, I think.

So, it’s another week beginning with much quieter plans for the week ahead. Still, life is moving along.

~T 😀

TWWs

Going Mental No Responses »

May 272017

My workouts are still stagnant. I need to get myself moving or at the very least outside in the sun. I will aim to do more of that this week since my schedule is (fortunately or not) freeing up. For this week, I managed:

May 21st (Sunday)

60′ Ladies’ Wellness Yoga

May 22nd (Monday)

60′ Ladies Wellness Yoga

May 23rd (Tuesday)

60′ Private yoga session

May 24th (Wednesday)

60′ Men’s Wellness Yoga

May 25th (Thursday)

Poolside

May 26th -27th (Friday – Saturday)

Rest

There is a small chance that I will do some yoga later or even the gym, but it is small for the weekend. Likely, I will make it up this week as I try to regulate the working out or perhaps just let my brain accept that this amount of yoga is enough…. 😛

Until then,

~T 😀

Podcast Fav 13: The Daily

Going Mental No Responses »

May 262017

Well, we know that I am not a fan of the news. In current political times, I am even less so. However, upon seeing this recommended on the Podcast Community Facebook group I am a part of, I decided just to check it out.

The Daily podcast is a short podcast hosted by Michael Barbaro and powered by New York Times. Every day – aside from weekends – there is an update about what is happening with our president. It’s a nice quick listen and keeps me updated on the latest in a way that is not negative nor dramatic. It’s just information or as some might call it, news. 😛

So, I definitely feel it is worth breaking up my true crime podcasts to have a quick listen as to what is happening in the world that day (or rather the day before). Check it out for yourself!

~T 😀

Stop Calling Us “Girls”!!!

Going Mental No Responses »

May 252017

M says I “have one on me” lately. For the non-Brit readers, this means something similar to “having a bee in my bonnet” or simply being generally irritable. 😛

It is probably true…. Between fighting depression and wanting to sleep, hormonal imbalance, feeling fat these days (no, I know I am not, but I feel it!), starting to look for work, trying to keep up with other work and stay sane through our continual transition period, I cannot imagine why I might “have one on me”! Can you??? 😉

In any case, we were watching this documentary last night about four women who decided to row across the Pacific Ocean – the Coxless Crew. The documentary is on Netflix called Losing Sight of Shore. What an amazing feat and test of character for these women. Yet, throughout they were called “girls”. WTF?

After my little rant on that, we started watching The Matrix and in the opening scene, the policeman says “I think we can handle one little girl” referring to Trinity, who is a major badass! Of course, in this scene, I get the irony of using the term “girl” to refer to her because we find out – if you don’t already know – that she is far from a “little girl”.

Still, this takes me to a discussion on microaggressions and our lack of progress in society where we still belittle the female gender. This kind of mentality and behavior is encouraged in every scene and setting of life from high school gym class to the office and to the home. We justify it by saying “It’s a just cultural” like M saying that the use of it in the documentary is “British middle-class” as if to say it is okay.

It is not okay. It is not okay to belittle women or to over empower men. Although our physical and mental statures may have differences, it does not mean that we should judge one as better than another. Instead, imagine if we looked at each other as equals with different gifts to offer. Our different gifts give us balance like yin and yang. One is not stronger or better than the other, instead we need both for healthy unity.

So, yes, maybe I do “have one on me”, but do you blame me? 😛

~T 😀

Whirling in Depression

Going Mental No Responses »

May 242017

This morning I had a quick chat with a friend. When I said that I am feeling tired and pretty much just want to sleep most of the time lately, she asked if I am ok because it sounded like depression.

When I thought about it, I realized she is probably right. I am likely in a depressive state, but being so familiar with these cycles and having a husband who sleep minimally, I am staying above the dark line.

Part of it can be attributed to pre-Aunt Flo visit as I always get extremely tired. Plus, I have been apparently irritable or ‘strange’ according to the man. I suppose my insistence on having some Oreo’s the other night is also a telling sign! 😉

Another part can be given to stress. Obviously there is going to be stress at the thought of having six weeks to get ourselves packed up and ready to move, but with no idea as to where.

Still, the job hunting has been keeping me active. Each day I submit a new CV or receive emails on other possibilities. I had another Skype interview last night and have put forth some more applications this morning. So, we shall see what comes to fruition first. Plus, M is still on the push for making France happen. 😛

I also have a new writing gig that pays peanuts, but is steady and so far seems manageable. Therefore, that keeps me going.

So, there’s really nothing to be overly depressed about, but yes the whirlwind of life can be deceiving as I stay busy with tutoring and yoga amidst the rest. Still, I am keeping an eye on myself and tomorrow shall plop myself down at the pool for a day of reading and sleeping whilst soaking up some needed Vitamin D. Stay tuned for that! 😉

~T 😀

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