Creative Meanderings

My internal dialog has been the rantings of a spoiled individual – this I freely admit. 🤯

However, does this mean that I have no right to give voice to it or share it with others? Is there a point in which truly no one wants to hear about my lack of ability to go shopping, travel freely, or leave the resort-like villa-style house with a pool when I want to?

Yea, I just heard that previous sentence out loud and thought to myself, “Yes, Tara, yes, there is a point and no one wants to hear you complain about that!”

Still, does my advantaged circumstance negate my right to have feelings of isolation, lack of control, and entrapment?

There’s a saying that everyone has to sh*t, it is just a difference of the kind of bathroom they use. (Actually, I don’t know if that is a saying or if I just made it up, but you get the gist.) 🙏🏽

The fact is that we all got issues that get triggered and core values that get challenged. So, whether my toilet is marble or porcelain or a plastic bucket, I got sh*t just like anyone else.

Although I would never actually take my own life, or at least it would take a lot more angst to push me to that edge, I can appreciate the path that one might walk and eventually follow to the end when presented with that option. It is a lonely place to be in when one feels that they cannot share their frustrations with others, especially those who are closest to them – whatever the reason may be.

Despite a knee-jerk response by most that “they are always there” for someone, we know that isn’t really true. How many times has someone called, but you haven’t answered because you couldn’t be bothered? Or, how often have you meant to reach out to someone, but allowed yourself to get distracted by something else? How much TV watched or dinners out or books read or time doing anything and everything else other than reaching out to family, friends, or even acquaintances has occurred? Don’t worry – I am very guilty of this myself. 🙋🏽‍♀️

So, after two days of trying to keep quiet about my frustrations, I could no longer hold on to the growing lump of darkness inside of me. I believe that people get cancer or other dis-eases because they carry these feelings with them without any ability to let them out. My relationship with M is based on complete and uninhibited openness with each other. Even if we don’t like to hear what the other is saying, we allow each other to have the space to express it, rant on it, or even yell about it, and then, together, adjust to learn from it. It’s when one of us does not share that a void starts to form that neither of us ever want to grow too large in fear that there is no way to close it again.

So, my angst and frustration was in the feeling that I am not able to talk to him without my words, thoughts, and feelings being taken as an attack or dismissed as unimportant, or altogether ignored. He is rightly caught up in his own set of issues and stresses, but it is not often that they get in the way of his ability to rationally respond or listen to me. However, this was the case recently.

Thus, I unloaded – rather nicely for me, if I do say so myself. Nothing was resolved really, but the lump is gone. My sh*t got flushed, so to speak (sorry for the crudity). 😜

Eventually, we will circle back and discuss again, but at least for now, the Dip has leveled out ready for that upward turn.😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️