When I was young I thought I wanted to have a huge family. Since I had moved around so much and never felt as if I “belonged” in the sense that people wouldn’t question my roots or right to claim a family as my own, I thought that if I had my own kids I would then obviously have established my place in the world. So, for many years, I imagined myself with at least four or six kids. I mean, why not?!
Then, I realized I was actually a little bit nuts thinking that way. Plus, I think I really had gone a bit nuts in my late 20s and early 30s. Everything I thought was the right path to take went into question when the man I had committed to turned out to be a liar of who he presented himself to be not only to me, but to the world. My faith in commitment over love was shattered. I thought that I was supposed to have chosen the practical and realistic path, not the one that was about soulmates and a love so deep that it hurt.
Feeling as if I had truly chosen a path that was just a dead end, I reconsidered the option of having children. Would a child save my marriage since my former mother-in-law was so persistent in asking us when we would give her a grandchild? Thankfully, it seemed that the Great Beings above were looking out for me and no kids were granted before I woke up to the fact that I could choose a path of life that did not follow the conventional.
Over the years in my mid to late 30s I would consider children again. Could I adopt? Should I marry someone who was really desperate to have his own kids? Wait, did I really even want them knowing what I knew then?
After a bit of soul searching, asking my parents, asking other people, I came to the conclusion that there was no satisfactory reason for me to have children. I didn’t have an aching desire for it. I didn’t care about having heirs or security that someone would take care of me in my senior years. I definitely didn’t need to feel as if an alien was growing inside of me, like invasion of the body snatchers that consume every natural function of my physical well-being. I didn’t want to embrace sleepless nights or feeling glued to a location for stability, schooling, so-called sanity. There was literally nothing that gave me a warm sensation about having kids. Not even my deep-rooted issue about not looking like anyone in family photos could persuade me that having dependent lifeforms carrying on my genes was a good idea.
So, I determined, no children – ever!
When M and I met, it was kismet because he had had his children and ensured that we could not have them together. This is a basic agreement any serious relationship should start with; otherwise, there is potential disappointment for one party or the other later. No children – ever – guaranteed.
“But, you like kids and they like you!” was always a response I would get when the topic of having offspring would arise. I do not disagree with this statement, still it does not change my mind.
This past week confirmed my stance.
Since we moved to France, we became wonderful friends with a family that has two young girls. They are now 11 and 13. We get along great as couples and with their girls. We somehow very early on agreed to kid-sit for first a night or two, then a week, then a couple of weeks, and now here and there. It’s always easy and never an issue. We have the lifestyle that makes it possible and neither of us begrudge the chance to help out our friends.
Most of the times we have watched the girls it has been during school holidays or for such a short time that regular school days were never really experienced. So, this past week was quite different for me. What is even more shocking – to me – is that it was only for two and a half days that the “school day” duties were in play; it felt like the entire week! π€ͺπ
It was having four drives back and forth to do drop off and pick up since they have different timetables. Then, although I didn’t end up having to do any after school activity drives, there was scheduled activities in various locations where one did not have enough time to go home and settle or do much other than kill time somehow, somewhere. Again, the Great Beings above must have been looking out for me as I ended up not having to do any of the after-school chauffeuring. Still, I thought, HOW does anyone do this? Furthermore, how does anyone do this as a single parent?!
By the time, meals were considered – again not really that much of an issue for me as most was leftovers from a well-stocked fridge, or pizza, or the girls took care of themselves -, schedules sorted, homework done, chores completed, a bit of rest and then bedtime activities, I was exhausted. No wonder parents are often sleep-deprived or feel unfulfilled in their own selves! Kids require a lot of energy and time so that it is hard to carve out space for the self. I applaud all parents who survive the experience with well-behaved kids, and I sit in awe of those who manage to successfully get through more challenging children.
So, while it was worth it to see friends and spend some time with lovely tween/teens, I confirm I made the right choice in not having kids. It is not that I think I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Nor, is it that I think I wouldn’t have been a great mother. I mean, I do love kids and they seem to think I’m alright for an adult. π€ͺ It’s that I am proud of the fact that I have traveled and been exposed to different cultures, people, environments. I love that I discovered who I am, who I want to be, and my own limits/boundaries early in life rather than having a midlife or identity crisis later. I am glad I can take the time to do the things I want to, to develop myself, to only have to share space and time with M rather than an ongoing draining of energy to try to dole out evenly to nurture healthy humans.
It is satisfying in a way to feel affirmed in my decision to take the path less traveled. These days, any “motherly” tendencies I might have get poured out to my little pups that I adore – probably way more than I would have my own children…. Ha!
~T π₯πβοΈ
