Upon returning from Venice, we woke the next morning preparing for M to go to the UK for a week to see family and do some business activities. I was looking forward to a week of my own schedule, time, activities. We soon were signaled that things might not go quite as smoothly, when we realized there was no hot water and assumed it was a boiler problem since there had been work on it and we had had trouble before.
First thing was first, M headed to the airport and would coordinate on the way.
The plumber/boiler guy came early in response to M’s request, but said, “Boiler is fine. You are out of gas.”
Oops! π¬
The gas guy said he wouldn’t be able to arrive until Tuesday – it was Monday, but fine. I could wait to have a shower until Tuesday afternoon and I don’t particularly care about cooking anyway – all I need is a microwave and kettle most of the time, especially when I’m on my own.
Tuesday morning, I felt good. I was getting into my own groove. I ran some errands in the morning expecting the gas guy to come around noon and I had a call at 5pm, before which I wanted to get some work done, walk the dogs, and then I could enjoy a relaxing evening with a hot bath.
Gas guy didn’t arrive until later in the afternoon, work took longer than usual so I was delayed walking the dogs, 5pm call got cancelled around 4pm. So, with everything finally done by 4:30 and faced with an extra hour to luxuriate sooner in a hot bath, I decided to just take the pups for a little walk in the fields and hills nearby rather than get in the car and drive down to the riverside paths 20 minutes, each way.
All of these little events and decisions led up to the moment when all other plans were thwarted for the hereafter.
While I do not sit – rather lay – blaming any one event nor lament “if this or that had or hadn’t happened, then…”, it is interesting to ponder how a series of actions can culminate at a particular moment. I’ve long been fascinated by stories like Magnolia, Crash – both film and series, and the like that point out how our lives intersect and events can have ripple effects on ourselves and others.
What if I had been on the call instead? I wouldn’t have fallen.
What if I had not been lazy in taking the dogs down to the river for a walk – I mean, I had the time? I wouldn’t have fallen.
What if we had not run out of gas, or the gas guy had arrived earlier, or I had not had focused on work for so long, etc. etc.? I wouldn’t have fallen.
But, I did fall.
So, rather than lament, I ponder. I wonder what the learning is in this new “plan” for my days and future few months. I wonder if the learning is solely for me. Or, if the learning is for M at my expense, as I sometimes have felt about other things gone wrong for me in my/our life. Or, as my dad said, “Sometimes sh*t just happens!”
In any case, it doesn’t matter really. I mean, I am learning about patience, regaining appreciation for the discipline of meditation, M’s capacity to be a caregiver, my capacity to be a receiver of care, the capacity of my friends (near and far) to care and express compassion, etc. etc. Much is being observed and processed. I’ve got lots of time to do so.
At least, I still have my fingers to type and my laptop to get some words out. My writing by hand is lagging, but when I can sit up again, I’ll get back to it. For now, I’m adapting. I’m accepting. I’m acknowledging the limits of what I can vs what I want to do.
One day, I’ll see how all of this does have meaning even if there is no obvious cause – synchronicity.
~T π₯πβοΈ
