Generally, I don’t know who reads this space. For the most part, I don’t need nor want to know since I pretty much write for myself to sort of track my life; and if it helps or entertains others, then that is a great addition. However, by not knowing and not receiving much feedback on my posts, I do not always realize the changes in the type of posts or their impact, if there is any.
Usually, M says he reads this when he is worried that I’m upset with him or about something and haven’t shared it with him. Or, he cannot sleep at night and maybe reading my words helps him go to sleep. On occasion, he also comments on what I’ve written, which is helpful. His latest feedback after an insomniac night was that my posts aren’t as “deep” or possibly thought-provoking as they used to be.
I think he’s right.
But, why or how has it come to be? Well, one reason is that I increased my writing on here to twice a week and sometimes I don’t have that much to say so I struggle for content that will take me to another level. Another possible reason is that I find myself lacking the headspace to allow my mind to drift into the darker corners where I find the topics to ponder upon. Also, perhaps, I’m just so happy that these heavier thoughts just are no longer at the forefront of my brain that I need to give them airtime so that I can focus on other topics or activities.
Probably, it is some combination of reasons that cannot be expressed in one summary.
Something that comes up for me as I write this, and consider explanations, is that I have gotten out of the practice of philosophizing because others around me do not seem interested nor willing to join the conversation. When you do not have an outlet, then it is easier to either avoid or dismiss the thoughts when they come. Perhaps, this is the most accurate influence of them all.
Recently, I have found myself craving intellectual pursuits.
I’ve researched a bit about PhD programs in philosophy or psychology. I have applied and will be starting a 12-week pseudo-MFA program (PocketMFA), in which I will get mentoring and support to, hopefully, keep me going for my fiction book. I am taking on teaching yoga, breath, and meditation. I will be soon starting a two-year program to become a certified Mindfulness Meditation Teacher. So, just from these activities, I can see the theme of teaching and learning coming back to the forefront of my life.
The heart of these activities is in stimulating my mind so that I can re-open the head spaces in which I like to mull around for pondering, philosophizing, and contemplating the state of the world, society, and mostly, the human condition.
People are a mixed bag for me: fascinating, curious, disappointing, discouraging, inspirational, confusing, uplifting, and more. This is what makes humans an amazing race compared to the other animals, though it may be that we just don’t understand their language and they are just as amazing…. Yet, in my belief that humans can achieve absolutely anything and everything they may desire, I must also accept that often most do not know it, let alone achieve it. This is where my disappointment lies. This is where my “dislike” for people stems.
So, I have decided – at least for today, this month, year – to do my own part in making the world a better place by helping humans/individuals to learn their capacity, make plans to go for it, and ultimately achieve whatever they can dream up. It means that I may be more disappointed at times, but it also means that I may be awed more than usual.
In this pursuit, I may write less regularly. I may write less frequently. Or, I may go through periods of posting a lot or not at all. Whatever the roller coaster ride of life presents, I shall endeavor to ponder deeper. Of course, I’ll still share my trips and other superficial activities, cuz that’s fun too!
~T 🔥🐉♋️
