Basking in Spring

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 252025
 

Spring has sprung. The sun is shining with a blue sky that holds big puffy clouds as they float above. Birds of unknown varieties and quantities sing their songs as some, like the swallows, nestle into their homes making room for the coming babies. The lizards and bugs have also come out to play. The brown is turning to green or pockets of color while buds give a hint of more to come.

It’s a beautiful time of year.

For me, it’s the sun. I move myself out into the light to type, write, read, or do just about anything under the warming rays. It’s this period before the heat becomes unbearable, but after the chill has left the air. The cool mornings and nights burn off into comfortable t-shirt (or sports bra only) temperatures. This is perfection.

Also, aside from the sounds of nature – which is never “quiet” despite what people try to romantically tell you, it is peaceful. It is quiet from most modern noises, though I can hear the cars go by or an occasional hunk of metal will fly overhead. Still, there are no people sounds. No energy shifts disrupting my calm or keeping me on edge are present. I can bask in the tranquility of stability.

I was bordering on a proper explosion of frustration. It’s not from a lack of love. It’s just from a lack of peace. My nervous system felt frayed. Today, I feel the beginnings of refreshment and rejuvenation.

While I don’t always consider myself as more self aware than others, it is in moments like this when I wonder how people survive if they aren’t aware of their energetic needs, or the impact of others on them. Then, I realize the state of stress and anxiety in the world. The number of unhappy people. Those who take their lives to escape. Or, even the societal trend to hide away in the online world and avoiding soaking up all that nature has to offer. When you are constantly surrounded by the makings of man and do not have the chance to escape into the truly real world, it must be depressing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know I am NOT a lover of nature. You are not going to catch me droning on about wanting to head off on a hike or talk about the million different types of flowers or tell you I’m off to work in my garden. That is still not me – at all. However, there is enough joy to be found in sitting in stillness or in quiet while nature moves around me. I’m content to absorb the goodness.

So, here I sit with my man-made computer writing but listening, smelling, seeing, and feeling all that nature has to offer.

~T🔥🐉♋️

On the Edge…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 202025
 

The other day, I messaged with a writing adoptee friend as part of our regular check-ins with each other. She replied back that my list of goals and activities for the next two weeks made her exhausted reading it, to which I laughed. For me, it didn’t feel like much.

When one lives with a high-octane, super-charged speeding bullet train partner, anything else that anyone who is not him does may be considered as “not much”. While this can be very motivating to stay productive and active, it also has its downsides when it comes to more personal matters — especially for an introvert who needs time to process, recharge, and take action. There are times when the one-tracked fast train feels the need to play chicken with the multiple-stop slow-paced one.

It is in the game that I struggle. I dislike being pushed. I hate being made to feel stupid, wrong, or disrespected for my method, my way of thinking, my way of behaving. Furthermore, I feel hurt when things I share about myself are immediately turned against me in a joke, and then told that it is “what we do” when we banter.

We do banter. We don’t use the same tactics.

When the game is presented on his terms, there is no doubt as to who the victor will be — exactly as he wants it. It’s a power game.

Unfortunately, the power game also includes presenting himself as a victim so that it seems that I am the one not playing fairly, not playing according to his rules, not playing correctly. In the victim role, he claims I take things out of context. He suggests I am overly sensitive. He laments that he cannot say anything, we cannot discuss anything, or I get upset. He claims his reactions are my reactions because he only wants to see them in me.

Never in this “game” is it suggested that HE has a role as well or that HE is the contributor to and source of the response.

So, I find myself tired. I find myself a little depressed. I find myself on the edge.

I know it is not a malicious pattern. I understand that the best course of action is to “let him” be the way he wants or needs to be and focus on my own reaction, well-being, etc. I am trying to focus on all of the positive and healthy ways of responding. However, it is not an easy task.

There’s a concern that one day we will find ourselves like I see my parents sometimes. Neither speak of their inner thoughts and feelings to the other. Both lonely in their souls as they live with the one to whom they’ve committed their souls whilst in this life cycle. Together, they are great administratively. It’s a safe space for them. Separately, they both crave connection in the heart. So, it is with this in mind that I try to maintain awareness and conscientiously react so as not to pave a worn path in this behavior. Yet, patterns seem to repeat against my will.

Do I just not engage at all? How does that, then, play out?

Do I engage with caution? Does it, then, seem as if I am playing a power game against my wish?

You can see how this is a complicated road to take.

So, for now, we avoid the unspoken. Naively, we probably both hope that it is just a phase that will pass and we will be able to tell each other everything about anything, behave as we always have, and bygones will be bygones.

At the moment, though, I crave growth and change in a positive, upward and forward direction. Fingers crossed, we will head that way together. 🙏🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Still Catching Up

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 142025
 

The week has flown by. I suppose not arriving home until Monday helps with that, but also it’s been a flurry of catching up on things. Now that it is Friday, I feel as if I’m approaching being caught up even though my body is not sure.

Physically, I’m a bit out of whack. My hips are misaligned causing some problems with my back, which also affects my neck and shoulders. My sciatica problem is flared due to the extra travel. I’ve had two sessions with my physio/bodywork guy and it’s helped massively. He’s given me some light exercises and encouraged me to restart my yoga practice gently. So, I am going to focus on that more this weekend into the next week until I see him again. The amount of pain the sciatic nerve causes is something else. I do not wish that or chronic pain on anyone. What a drag!

Also, my weight is a downer at the moment thanks to eating too much and travel. So, this is a definite focus for me as I refuse to gain more weight! I already have concerns about my fibroids and hormones that I cannot also let my weight go now….💪🏽💪🏽

Mentally, I’m good, I think. But, the weather has been very spring-like with bouts of rain and glimpses of sunshine which affect my mood. I’m trying to stay on the positive side, though, knowing that the sunny weather will be here soon enough. I mean, the pool guys are coming on Monday to remove the cover and get it ready for the season, so I cannot complain, right?! ☀️💪🏽

Spiritually, I feel pretty great, actually. Life is very good. 🥰

In other aspects of life, I’m finally caught up with my writing progress and the PocketMFA course. I am waaaay behind on the start of my Mindfulness Meditation teaching course, but that is going to wait until at least the end of next week. However, I will make sure to add it to my todo list regularly so that it doesn’t get neglected. I’m glad that they do a slow start as I also need to back into the habit of meditating regularly.

So, with that, I’m happy it is Friday with a nice easy weekend ahead! TGIF, right?! 🤪

~T 🔥♋️🐉

Family Time

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 092025
 

Family. Such a loaded and complicated word. So much is wrapped up in this two-syllable (or three if you enunciate it fully) word.

When you’re an adopted person, this word has even more implications and nuances. We are told that we are lucky because our family “chose” us. Or, as in my case, I feel privileged to have a family that I call mine.

Still, the subtle subtexts of my relationship with and to this family are shadowed in the reality of my having created a very full life away from them. One of my main explanations is that I never quite felt that I fit in to the family, or the USA, so that becoming an expat felt natural – why not actually be a foreigner when you already feel like one?

Yet, I remember many years ago one of my cousins said to me in a strange moment, “When you make it big, don’t forget your family.” First, who knew that I was going to make it BIG? Second, why would I forget my family? Now, those words have a touch of foreshadowing in them. I haven’t made it “big” per se, but in the words of that very same cousin this past week, I have made a good life for myself.

This is true.

Also, I have not forgotten my family.

I only have two uncles — one on each side of my parents. One is an in-law and the other, my father’s brother. Both have always treated me as family with great kindness, attention, and I believe, love. A few weeks ago now, one of them left us behind on our walk through this life. Everyone around him feels his loss, especially his brother – my father.

Both of my parents hold my heart together, in different ways, of course. My mother keeps my heart strong and practical. My father keeps it firm yet fragile. So, when he cried in his grief my heart cracked while her strength kept it from breaking.

With this sight on the other side of my screen, I determined that I needed to go home and see the family.

That side of the family is complicated, messy, and fractured in the most dysfunctional of ways. I mean, really, whose family isn’t when you peel away the layers? Yet, I always have made an effort to see my aunts and uncle when I visit home in Oregon. My cousins and I have kept a thin thread going over the years, but I think it is safe to say that we all sort of believed our parents and siblings were still long with us. In essence, we got complacent taking each other for granted.

Then, two members of the family passed away in a short period. Suddenly, we are faced with mortality and re-evaluating what is important.

Family.

So, during this visit, I got to see the cousins. I visited with my aunts. I also spent quality time with my parents. Time is limited on this earth, and as we do not know how much time we have left with one another, it seems silly to waste even a moment on the complications, the disagreements, the judgements. For me, once I call you family, there is nothing that can take that title away. Although I missed the deaths of my grandparents, they visited me in my dreams to say good-bye. Even still, I felt sad that I wasn’t old enough, or rather mature enough, to hold them in better esteem to have prioritized time with them and upon their passing.

Thankfully, time teaches us and we grow (sometimes).

While making a return trip to the States was not an ideal, I am so so thankful that we had the time and means to make sure I could do it. The time spent this past week with family has been more than meaningful, but impactful of the fullest kind.

So, hold on tightly to those whom you call family – whether or not they are related by blood. They may not be there tomorrow, so make the most of today.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

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