So, yesterday, I did not actually get my morning task done. Sometimes I get really side-tracked. I did do other things; I’m just not sure what that was overly productive.
Now that I’m a bit freer with my time and trying to get myself back into the PhD work again, I spend more time thinking. As I keep thinking about stuff with R, I swing back and forth from it’s a great thing to it’s a stupid thing.
Usually, when I think about the small things I only think of the positives. I am the type that says it’s the small stuff that makes the big stuff. So, a smile, a thank you, a flower, a touch – these are the small things that make us feel loved. I believe that if we start with changes in ourselves this will cause changes in others; thus starting small and moving to big.
However, if I apply this same concept to the negative, I start to better understand what happened. It did start with the small stuff – at least for R. He didn’t like a look, a tone, a word, an action – these led to his feeling annoyed and then angry and then to a big fight. Enough of these makes the fights bigger and stronger until it does not become worth the effort.
Same concept – different directions.
So, I get it.
However, I’m an idealist in love. Love should override everything in my world. It covers a multitude of sins, right? Yet, I wonder….
I mean what is it that I want to hang on to between us? What is it that I am losing by not having a romantic relationship that I won’t get in having a friendship? What will I actually gain from this change in connection between us?
Although it is hard and my heart does ache, I am starting to accept that perhaps this is just another small step towards a bigger future.
-T π
