2019 – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

Upcoming Semi-Silent Retreat – at home

Jul 252019

Although I am due to post some full write-ups of my trip to Mongolia with my mother, I thought that I would post at least something just to get myself back into the swing of things.

Time goes so quickly that I was shocked and dramatically dismayed to see that my last post was almost a month ago!

There are a number of topics for me to cover, but I’ll start with something more current to my mind at the moment.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on my own for two weeks while M takes his summer holiday – meeting friends and touring France with his eldest. Despite his grumblings about the fact I chose to go on holiday with my mother this summer instead of him (forgetting that we have tons of holidays planned together this year), I am of mixed emotions about my pending time alone.

I have joked a couple of times about how he and my BFF conspired against me to both be out of the country at the same time. Now, we all know that jokes hold truths (thus why I am not a fan of most comedy), and the truth is that despite my general preference to be alone and complaints about the fact that other humans roam this earth with me , I love my peeps.

As a Cancerian crab, I love my home (wherever that may be). As a Dragon , I protect those whom I love and trust. Without either one I am lost. So, in a less dramatic way (WHAT – I’m a Footner now: we do DRAMATIC!) I feel a little bit lost with the idea of two solid weeks without either one around to keep me company or vice versa.

On the other hand, I’ve already filled my weekend schedule (as I do) with pampering and events that I don’t mind doing on my own. I contemplated a road trip by myself as I do love to travel on my own, but trying to be more fiscally responsible has put that on hold for the moment.

So, I shall focus on hanging with the kits (guess I should post about them soon!), enjoying the house being magnificently spotless , and the time for a semi-silent retreat (by default! ). Plus, I’ll probably (definitely, hopefully) do a bit of writing.

Another Year

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 262019

Tomorrow marks my 43rd birthday. In Korea, I guess I would be 44 as they count the nine months of gestation as the first year of life.

I generally don’t enjoy celebrating or making a big fuss of my birthday (except for the big ones), but I never say no to a good party.

In truth, it doesn’t matter much how old I am anymore. Some ladies and I joke that we are ‘forever [age]’ based on the year that we have enjoyed the most. Mine is 28.

Twenty-eight was a great year for me. I was in New York doing my master’s. It was the first time that I let loose and felt like a grown up. I partied, I studied, I lived.

Of course, a lot has happened since then. I’ve had good experiences, met lovely people, and married a man of my dreams. So, while 37 wasn’t a bad year either, I’ll still go with the younger number.

In any case, I would not change my age for anything. I do not miss being younger. Every year feels better than the year before and I hope this trend keeps true.

Happy birthday to me!

The Neutral Zone

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Jun 242019

I feel anxious.

I feel happy.

I feel old.

I feel in love.

I feel tired.

I feel loved.

I feel alone.

I feel content.

I feel stressed.

I feel vibrant.

I feel worried.

I feel joyful.

I feel bored.

I feel peaceful.

How can I feel all these things at once?

The minimizing answer is that I am a woman.

The avoidance response is that I am human.

The truth… there does not need to be an answer.

These days, I have been in what I call the ‘neutral zone’. There is nothing to report about what is good or bad because everything is somehow strangely in balance. Nothing is extreme; thus nothing needs to be shared.

It’s a bit of a strange feeling because I don’t know how to respond to people’s question of “How are things?”. I feel unsure how to respond because, well, it’s good and it’s bad.

We get used to glossing over life and neutralizing everything into “it’s fine” or “not bad”. However, I think I really am in the state where these responses are truth.

How surreal….

_Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide_ by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jun 212019

_Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide_ by Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark

So about two years ago, I posted about the podcast My Favorite Murder with these two ladies. In the three years’ time that they have been entertaining me (and many others), they have enjoyed a successful growth with live shows, merchandise, etc.

Obviously, when I heard they were going to publish a book I knew that I would read it. Better yet, when I found out that they were offering an audiobook, it was a no-brainer. I mean I already listen to their voices twice a week, why not hear them read their own book?

These days I consume audiobooks much faster than printed or Kindle ones just due to commuting and walking around quite a bit. Thus, it took me very little time to get through the book.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. Even though I had heard some of the stories in the podcast, there were a lot of new stories and themes that came through while connecting back to their regular messages about being “street smart”, mental health, and protecting the badass naïveté that we all have inside of us.

Even though they tend to make light of their childhoods or traumas, this book also gave a deeper insight to them behind the humor. So, in some ways, it was rather dark compared to the regular storytelling about horrible murders. (Hard to imagine, right?!)

While these ladies are talented and have worked hard to get where they are, they also make it seem somehow possible for the average person to do something with their lives. Dare I say they were inspiring? Hm… the cynic in me might not go that far, but I will admit that it fanned the slightly waning flame for writing in me to keep on going.

I’m not sure how the book would be received by those who do not listen to the podcast, but as a fellow murderino, I recommend this as a way of getting to know the hostesses even more.

Higher Vibrations

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 192019

Although there were many interesting points that I gleaned from listening to Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide, one of the most salient ones that has stayed with me is about low and high vibrations.

Karen Kilgariff tells an anecdote about when she was catching up with her friend whom she regularly met up with to debrief on their lives. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for them to complain or share trials or tribulations. She noticed that her friend was uncharacteristically not matching her energy, so rather than hold a grudge about it, she expressed her frustration and asked what was up. Karen’s friend thanked her for her honesty and then shared how the low vibrations she was receiving from Karen’s stories were a bit too much for her just then.

This really made me think about my own conversations with those close to me. Even though I present a pretty upbeat front to my parents (though I think they know when I’m faking it…?) or to those whom I am not 100% comfortable with (even people whom I call friends), I am not always so – surprise! (note sarcasm)

My default mode tries to ensure that the other person(s) doesn’t need to overly concern herself with my problems. This is learned behavior based on my own judgments on previous experiences.

If someone has power or authority over me, like my parents, then I don’t want to let them know that there is something wrong with me as it might make them love me less, which in the past led to abandonment. Of course, by now, my intellectual side knows that this isn’t rational in any way. My parents love me and haven’t left me for any reason yet, despite me probably giving them a reason or two. ;D

If someone seems to have their own problems or life appears difficult for them in the present, then I don’t want to burden them with my own issues as it might make them like/love me less and walk out of my life, which in the past has happened amongst friends or those whom I had trusted.

So, only a handful of people (including my parents when I remember to drop the facade), actually get a view of the deepest and darkest parts of my heart and mind. Don’t worry – they also get the superficial stuff too!

Still, regardless of this truth, I have noticed lately that as I hit the joys of middle age changes that my vibrations have become lower and lower. The previously grey with occasional clear blue skies forecasts have turned into constant rain with occasional thunderstorms. Even though I was not what one would call “cheerful and peppy” on the best of days, I still smiled, laughed and tried to make the best of it.

Recently, I think about 80% (or more) of my time is complaining about work, society, men, friends, husband, cats, life itself, or anything else I can come up with. There are times when I know that I forget to stop and think: Is this really what the other person needs to be hearing? Shouldn’t I be asking more questions about them?

Therefore, I am (still unsuccessfully) working on sending out higher vibrations to others. It’s not that I am going to put the mask back on all the time. It’s more about being less selfish and more honest – not only to myself, but also to others – even those I tend to keep at bay out of fear.

I’m a grown woman now. If people leave me for something I say or do, I can own it, respond to it, and then leave them to do what is best for them. Whatever the outcome, I am not defined or bound to it as long as I have been true to myself and compassionate in my response.

We all know when we are sending out high or low vibrations. We all instinctively know when we have left someone better or worse than we met them. Sometimes, they are the same and that’s great too.

Still, why not aim for the higher vibrations?

After all, the Beach Boys knew that good vibrations gave them excitations and who doesn’t want that?

Reheating My Tea

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 172019

Although I’m not a sharer of quotes nor do I like to speak in quotes as I’ve written before, I do have some favorite ones to give me perspective on life.

One of my favorites is by Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations.

Is your cucumber bitter? Throw it away.

My modern interpretation of this is something like:

When your tea goes lukewarm, you can lament that it is cold and let it grow bitter as it turns colder. Or, you can reheat some water and warm it back up so that you can continue enjoying the warmth and flavor of the tea in your cup.

Metaphor not working for you?

I’m talking about taking control of your life – whether big or small: we can be a victim of circumstances or we can be the creator of experiences.

Recently, I felt myself growing rather bitter and frustrated at work. One of my colleagues challenges me in various ways. Although this person seems to be a “good person” – whatever that means -, I find it difficult to cope with the low vibrations that this person puts out on a daily basis. In addition, my work is affected by the decisions this person makes, usually by increasing an already full load while the offender skates through by holding on to the bumper of my steam engine. However, like any steam engine, a constant motion cannot be maintained without more fuel or rest. If too much steam builds up, then an explosion can occur. (Sorry more metaphors!)

In any case, after a few days of ranting to whomever would listen and a few chapters in listening to my new audiobook Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide (more about this one later), I realized that I was playing a victim as well, which I was complaining about in my colleague.

Therefore, I broke down what was within my power to change and did it. In other words, I warmed up more water to reheat my tea!

Just as I tend to drink tea quickly, I don’t know how long the feeling of satisfaction in my proactivity will last. However, I am content that while I may not have thrown the entire cucumber out, I salvaged the parts of it that is still good by cutting away where it was growing bitter.

Developing Routines

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jun 142019

So, it’s been a few days since my last post. It was intentional to be honest.

When someone posts all the time or when something becomes too available, the tendency is for complacency and over saturation to occur. Therefore, as I consider how to build readership, but also make sure I have enough content, I decided to give it a few days.

It also helped that I have been a bit busy with work and trying not to lose my mind as I PMS (TMI? Sorry, not sorry ).

In any case, my habits and schedules are always developing as I attempt to find balance in having a healthy mind, body and soul while also considering the realities of life outside of myself.

Therefore, I have decided to post two to three times a week depending on my schedule. That way, regular followers (now that I know you are out there!) can know when I will write, but not get overwhelmed (hopefully), by trying to keep up since it seems to be a natural part of our psyches to feel as if we have to always stay on top of something.

In the meantime, I am hoping to actually make some progress at getting my story-writing going and posting chapters on The Universal Asian site. It needs a bit of attention, so I’m not giving you the link just yet. When it is ready, you’ll be among the first to know!

With that said, I’ll end here for today. More to come!

Skillz

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Jun 092019

My current position in my job allows me to stay out of the classroom for the most part. I still teach a few regular private lessons for our clients, but most of the time I pass on classroom teaching gigs.

One of the reasons is that teaching to our clients can require us/me to travel all over the city. Riding the trains more than necessary is not on the top of my list of things to do. The requirement of being amidst people – especially those whom I don’t know – for an hour or more makes me even more tired than the act of teaching itself.

So, it has been a while since I have taught a full class.

When you don’t regularly practice a skill like using a language, or like teaching, it can be worrisome when forced to use it again. This weekend is an example of this for me.

However, I have happily found that it is somewhat like riding a bike and my years of training along with the natural instincts that drew me to the profession in the first place have kicked back into gear.

Still, like most things in my life, I have to admit that I don’t necessarily like to do the things that come easy to me. It’s true; I generally prefer challenges. So, while it is a relief to find that I’ve still got my teaching skillz, it doesn’t mean that I like it any more than before.

Therefore, I mostly have a renewed appreciation for my work out of the classroom than in it thanks to this weekend of teaching.

Graduations

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 082019

‘Tis the season of celebrations .

Back in my day (yep, old people saying…), graduations were for major achievements like finishing high school or the amazing feat of university. These were not necessarily benchmarks that everyone would achieve; thus, warranting a celebration.

Nowadays, I see posts for graduations from kindergarten and every minor achievement reached. It’s almost blasé when someone shares they’ve passed their doctoral exams – as if it’s just another everyday event.

When did we decide that a five-year-old should be given even more attention and recognition for doing something that is an expected part of growing up? When did we become immune to the six to ten-year accomplishment of contributing something new to a field and bettering society?

I recently re-listened to a talk by Simon Sineck on millennials in the workplace. Even though not all of it was necessarily true in my mind, he did hit on the point that we have over-celebrated (are over-celebrating) mediocrity and what is a basic expectation of living in this world (not in the same words); thus causing a numbness to the celebration of real achievements.

Of course, some readers might retort that I don’t have children so who am I to criticize? Other readers might think I’m just old-fashioned. That’s fine, but it does not take away from the truth:

I think, we should stop watering down what is really worth celebrating and consider how to make those moments truly special rather than encouraging the repeated superficiality as what seems to be the trend now.

Maintaining the habit…

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 072019

Work has been busy this week, and so the evenings, when I usually write something here from my phone, have been more about relaxing or doing things other than writing.

However, I do not want to get out of the habit of posting, so today I shall ramble a bit rather than write with focus.

Sometimes, it is good to just share random thoughts – I mean not everything has to be profound, meaningful or purposeful, does it?

Anyway, the weather is grey. Apparently, rainy season is officially starting, which means days of rain and grey – it’s like being home. I usually last about two days in ‘enjoying’ it and then the complaining shall commence.

I am actually trying to appreciate it as, so far, the temperatures have stayed down and I am not yet ready for the constant drippage that comes with the incoming heat and humidity. Silver lining?

These days, I’m just enjoying the ‘every-day-ness’ of the changing seasons, which includes watching the ducklings grow.

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