This past week was a rather busy one and thus I did not write too much. Yesterday in particular was not a great day from the beginning , but gave me a bit of a jolt to recognize that after about seven weeks on Cipralex, it does seem to be working.
1. Life dramas – It has taken me some time and I often have to remind myself that the man I have chosen to be with is not very typical, nor do I truly want him to be. However, his atypical ways can sometimes cause tension when it comes to going out and doing things as a couple like ‘normal’ couples do. While for the most part I do not mind going out and doing things without him because he does go out now and then with people that we both enjoy spending time with, it makes it a challenge for me to have to explain to others why he is not out with me all of the time. I do not think we have to go out together all of the time, actually. Neither does he. The problem is that other people do not understand and tend to badger me with questions as to his whereabouts or to explain his ways when it is not for me to explain or have to feel awkward for going out on my own. We have trust and we have a shared view on socializing. People should respect that it is different or talk to him directly as to why he doesn’t accompany me more. The reality is that as long as the two of us are okay with it, then everyone else should be as well.
In having to deal with this I have remained quite calm about it. I have dwelt a little bit on it, but not over-thought it as I might have done before. Score 1.
2. Near death experience – Each day our commute to work is a lesson in appreciating life. We are often lucky to arrive to campus or home without having an accident, near accident or just plain road rage at the insane drivers on the road. Yesterday, I left quite early for work and took a different than usual route. It was going rather smoothly and I was just a little above the speed limit in the left lane. I was cruising along when a luxury sedan came speeding up behind me flashing his lights as he approached my vehicle. I maintained my speed and happened to also be at the same speed where coincidentally the person behind me could not switch lanes due to another vehicle on the right. After more flashing of lights, he decided he couldn’t handle himself and went into the left emergency lane. As he was passing me, he decided to try to bully me and move back into my lane knowing that there was nowhere for me to go. While this was happening, a large Nissan Patrol came speeding up behind me as well flashing lights and decided to also take the left emergency lane to pass. Both cars were too big for the non-existent lane; thus barely passing me. Anger was boiling within me as I was laying on my horn.
There was a moment where I thought that I could swing my wheel to the left and send us all flying leading, most likely, to my own death or severe injury and perhaps only partial damage to the other vehicles. In my state of mind seven weeks ago, I probably would have let anger and apathy for life take over and I would not be writing about it now. However, the moment passed as the anger boiled and I continued on to work to pass the day in a foul mood. It was not the near-death experience that traumatized so much as the sheer bullying/threatening behavior of the drivers. It was almost as if they had taken a gun to my head by their actions as the result would nearly be the same in threatening my life all because they needed to break the speed limit and hurry to do nothing important.
Of course, I probably should not have been in that lane. I probably should have changed lanes rather than be passive-aggressive about their speeding up behind me. I probably should always drive like an old lady to ensure my safety. So, for that I take responsibility. At the same time, the roads here are very unsafe and the shitty drivers have no repercussions for their actions unlike someone who would if they threatened me with a gun. So, every time I get into a car I have to pray for my survival – whether it is me or someone else behind the wheel. It’s ridiculous.
However, the meds definitely kept me alive and so I guess I should be satisfied with that. π Score 2.
Needless to say, I am more than looking forward to the next 24 days to pass when I can get a break from this crazy place! π
-T
