_The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child_ by Nancy Newton Verrier

 Literary Escapes  No Responses »
Jun 222013
 

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adoptedโ€ฆ

_The Primal Wound: ย Understanding the Adopted Child_ by Nancy Newton Verrier

Over a year ago, I found my first foster mother in the States. In our first telephone conversation she mentioned this book to me and recommended it. When I was in Korea in 2009, someone there had also mentioned this book saying how it really opened her eyes to her adoption experience. So, I ordered it and began to read it last summer.

Since it is a paper book, it took me longer to get through than if it had been on my e-reader. Also, it is not really one of those books that you can read straight through as it takes time to digest aspects of what Verrier is saying. So, finally last month I finished it.

The basic gist is that when a child is taken away from its biological mother there is a wound that develops that will never heal. For many adoptees this wound is deep and reopened regularly. The biological need to feel the connection to the person who provided shelter and security for nine months can never be replaced. Due to this wound being inflicted at such a young age, it affects every following relationship with females as well as future friends. One’s identity is also further changed from this broken connection.

There’s much more to explain, but that’s the overall theme. It was an eye-opening read as I had always felt that I was alone in how I felt about the world and the people in it. However, as I read, I realized I’m actually quite ‘normal’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I am taking the book home to give to my mom to read so that she may find some comfort in knowing that my distance from her growing up was not a personal affront to her as my mom, but just the mere fact that she was there. Maybe it will help. I also recommend my friends to read this as it may help them to understand me that much more. ๐Ÿ˜€

-T

 

 

Lost Daughter…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 202013
 

Yesterday, I read this article on the blog “Lost Daughters”.

It hit home in many ways as it relates to being caught between worlds and struggling to not only find my place, but to be accepted for the place that I have found.

There is one place in the world where I felt totally ‘normal’ and as if I belonged – Hawaii. Why? Because Hawaii has a mix of races and many mixed couples, it is normal to see people just as “Hawaiian” rather than caring where their origins are or who their families are. No one assumes that an older white man with an Asian woman is taking advantage of her or that there is something else seedy going on. It’s a piece of America, but with its own mixed culture. This is the kind of place I would like to eventually settle in – too bad the economy is still not great there….

In any case, the point is that no white man or woman and no Asian man or woman can fully understand the experience of an adopted Asian woman who grew up ‘white’ unaware that her outer appearance would never be accepted in the ‘white’ world. My family never treated me differently and I believe that they mean well when they say they just thought of me as ‘white’.

Sadly, this didn’t help to prepare me for the fact that everywhere I have traveled, I must explain myself as an American and that no my parents aren’t Asian. Or, that the less developed worlds would assume that I am a prostitute or in some kind of service industry because I am Asian on the outside. Some might say this isn’t about being adopted, but that’s a simplistic response.

Being adopted has caused me to be displaced inside and out. I’ve mostly come to terms with it, but it doesn’t change the struggling reality. The difference these days is that more adoptees are sharing and talking about the experiences without feelings of guilt for how we feel….

Maybe I’ve finally found a cause…. ;D

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Blogging Away…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 082012
 

Lately, I’ve been considering a new future blog. It won’t happen until I finish my PhD because really I don’t need yet another blog or way to use up my time….

However, I’m torn. I’ve got this blog, my professional blog and started an ADPOV blog that lies dormant. I barely keep this one up and my poor professional blog has long been neglected….

Still…I’ve long wanted to have an adoption blog. Yet, I think why add another one to the millions already out there with people telling their adoption stories or advocating for adoption rights or expressing their angst towards the whole system? What would my blog bring to the arena that isn’t already out there? I’ve got time to think this through, but it’s in my heart to do it. I just need the right theme and purpose….

Anyway, another week begins and I already dread it…why? Dunno yet. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Adoptee Deportation/Citizenship Challenge

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 062012
 

I’ve been following this blog for a while now. It’s one of the few blogs by adoptees that is more positive or should I say objective about both sides of the adoption issue.

One topic that has come up lately has been about citizenship for international adoptees. Mostly I haven’t participated or even read much of the dialog as I can barely keep up on my own life let alone get involved in politics – no matter what area it falls under. However, this challenge came up on Land of a Gazillion Adoptees and I figured if I am going to post on my blog anyway, I might as well take on the challenge. ๐Ÿ˜€

The whole issue of deportation and citizenship, especially in the US, is quite touchy as it also delves into the ongoing battle of migrants from Mexico or further south. Although I was lucky enough to get naturalized and have the privilege of owning a United States passport, I can’t imagine first how any adoptive parent(s) would not have their newly adopted international child naturalized and made a citizen of the country. What sort of argument is there against it other than sheer laziness? Perhaps that is unfair, as I readily admit, I am not up to speed on this issue at all.

With that said, it is strangely ignorant of any government to simply deport a person who has proof of having never lived anywhere else in the world to simply deport someone to their birth country without compassion, empathy or plain old common sense. How is it in the best interest of a country to send someone away to a place that is completely foreign to them? In what way are we saving or protecting a country’s interest or security?

Anyway…if I had more time, I would do some proper research and write with more authoritative indignation. For now, this will have to do. However, to ensure my feelings are clearly understood, I’ll sum up.

1. If you’ve gone through the process to internationally adopt a child, step up and get that child citizenship for the love of God. It’s not only part of your responsibility as the new guardian of the child, but your duty as a new parent to protect your new child from every possible danger, both in the present and the future.

2. Any government official considering deporting a person who has never lived or known another country than the one s/he is in, should have some freakin’ common sense for the love of God and for Pete’s sake have some compassion and empathy. What would you do if you were told you were to be sent to some foreign land just because your ancestors are from there? Use some reasonable discretion and your God given gift of a brain!

So, that’s my post.

-T

Adoption Journey – 3B

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 032012
 

During the conference, I took an afternoon and called Diane.

It was so wonderful to talk to her! ๐Ÿ˜€

Unfortunately, my phone died mid-conversation and it took me a while to get it charged back up due to not bringing a plug converter…so much for all my packing experience! Anyway, it was like a light switched back on somewhere inside of me. I’m not sure how to explain it, but it was funny to hear stories about me and also to learn bits about her own life.

So, anyway, I will have to write more later after I have slowed down from my traveling and had more time to reflect. Just wanted to update on this for now.

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

Adoption Journey – 3A

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 232012
 

Well, remember back when I wrote saying that I was waiting to hear back from someone I had found on Facebook about being my 2nd or first US foster mother?

It was her!!! She wrote back and I have replied.

It seems surreal. I actually have no memory whatsoever of this person, but from the picture I look genuinely happy as opposed to my usual canned smile or laughing smile that shows up in all my photos (even today!). I mean I am a happy person, generally speaking, but there is something about the picture, maybe it’s the comfortable position I seem to be in her arms – I don’t know.

All these pieces of the puzzle of my life are falling into my hands/lap a bit faster and randomly than I would have ever expected. I am glad that I am not on a search full-time or I would be going mad. With work and travels to keep me distracted I can face the realities of this part of my life when it is generally convenient for me.

So, hopefully I can talk to Diane on the phone when I’m in the States, if not we’ve got email and Fb. From there, I don’t know what will come, but I’m open to any and everything.

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

My Adoption Journey – 4

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 222012
 

I am wondering if this falls under ‘Adoption Journey’ or if I should be starting a new thread entitled ‘The Search’…?

Anyway, I guess it all runs together in the end as MY LIFE!

So, the latest –

Three days ago now, I received an email from the social worker in Korea. She said that they have located the two sisters of my birth mother who are also living in the States.

WTF?

Did the whole family ย of women move there after me? I guess I won’t have to stress too much over communicating should that ever happen. Maybe that explains why I have a total block from learning the language.

So, anyway, the SWS is going to try to get in touch with them and see if some kind of contact can be made. We shall see how that goes, but considering that my biological grandmother denies that I could exist, I can only imagine what the sisters might think or believe. However, you never know what is known between sisters that is never told to the parents…. Keeping the fingers crossed.

In any case, I still go back and forth on whether or not I really want to talk to them or what I would say to them. I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when it comes.

Nothing else new on the domestic search, but next week when I’m back in the States, I’ll be making some calls, so watch this space for updates!

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

My Adoption Journey – 3

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Mar 112012
 

So, now that I am ‘free’ish again, I am focusing my attentions on more details of my adoption journey.

Thanks to the world of Facebook, I have found a couple more possible people and written them messages.

Diane Ehnes – who was my foster mother between adopted family 1 and 2.

I found someone who could be her on Facebook and hope to hear something back from her.

Then, in my searching for the Kolthoffs, I found a Grace Kolthoff who was shown as a connection in my PeopleSearch online to James Kolthoff. The area this woman lives in seems the same, so I also sent her a Facebook message.

Also, I wrote to the SWS social worker in Korea again asking if there were more items in my file for viewing or not. I also expressed my growing need or desire to make some kind of contact with my birth family. There’s no real concrete reason other than a growing obsession and a sense that this is going to the be year of great changes regarding my past. Don’t have any real reason to think that either, but there it is….

As I was writing these messages, though, it did occur to me to consider the other side. Maybe my coming back will cause rifts, arguments, or at least disrupt the balance of everyday life that these people have formed. Is it too selfish of me to push it and to shove my way into their lives? Or am I deserving of these selfish moments to get to the beginning of the thread of my life?

Anyway, this has become my journal of this adventure as it seems I have trouble these days of putting my thoughts/feelings to pen and paper. So, we shall see how this adventure continues to play out…

๐Ÿ˜€ T

My Adoption Journey – 2A

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 242012
 

An update on what I’ve learned so far –

A woman who lives at the number that was left in the post called me back. She said that Cathy used to live with her, but that she hasn’t heard anything about her for 12 years. She said the last she heard, Cathy had moved to Seattle, WA. Also, she said that she is/was a drug and alcohol therapist. The woman said that she met Joshua once when he was like 15 or 16 and that Cathy had mentioned me once, but that the woman didn’t really know why I wasn’t with her anymore. I explained it was a complicated story, but appreciated that she had called me back. It’s nice that people do that.

So, it seems that Cathy and James (the father) divorced long ago – was it because of me?

I searched again, seems that Cathy gets around…last said address is somewhere in CA in 2010…. Thus, I thought my next step might be to contact James. Maybe he can shed some light, but perhaps he’d be more reticent to delve back into the past. We shall see.

Interesting how things are moving, but I suppose it could be worse. ๐Ÿ˜€

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