April – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

Ankle Recovery: Week Six @Home on My Feet

Apr 212023

Don’t let the picture fool you – my foot does not like to be confined to a shoe!

However, there has been progress. Two days of physiotherapy down with some pretty significant swelling that has been deemed normal for the situation reveals that the body is truly something strange and amazing. Trying to do some yoga poses on the wall has dismayed me as I found what used to be so simple and easy to be a struggle. My brain really needs focus and concentration to rebuild trust in the movements and positions.

Still, I can put more weight on the right foot. Not quite full weight, but it is definitely improving each day. With more exercises and another three-visit week ahead of physio, I am hoping that this time next week, I’ll be writing standing on both feet equally.

In the meantime, slow and steady wins the race, right?

Getting Back on Schedule

Going Mental 3 Responses »

Apr 182023

Years ago, I realized that being a planner and detailed scheduler gave me a sense of security and comfort. I discovered later that it was a reaction to having some kind of control over my life – something that I didn’t have early on in my development. Furthermore, I learned that it was a positive habit, so the reward feedback encouraged me to maintain the behavior.

Nowadays, I need it to reset my mental state and feel balanced.

With two months of my previously scheduled life thrown by the wayside, I felt it was time to get myself back to “regularly scheduled programming” and reset. Despite having tried it a few weeks back, it didn’t take as my body and mind were not ready.

However, knowing that I was near getting the green light to return to a biped state , last Thursday I felt it was time.

First, I listed out the tasks that I have either been putting off for far too long or the ones that I know I need to get done regularly. Then, I broke down those tasks into daily chunks and put them on to my Todoist app that I use to guide my daily activities. This is a great and simple method of feeling a sense of accomplishment each day for me. It is second to making the bed each day knowing that at least I achieved one “good” thing for the day.

Next, I went to my Google calendar to schedule in when these activities are to be done throughout the day. Now, some of you might be thinking this is just going too far, but I am a big believer in maximizing my productivity. So, I achieve this by also setting aside the times in which my tasks can/should be done. Before any reader moans or rolls their eyes at this, note that just because they are in my calendar or on my to-do list doesn’t make it an absolute. I am quite flexible with my times and tasks since about 90% of what I do is designed for and determined by myself, so there are no severe consequences of any kind should I decide to procrastinate, reschedule or even skip something.

Generally speaking, this scheduling and listing is used as a guideline for me each day.

The question might arise as to why I do this. My answer is that it helps me. It works for me. I achieve a fair amount by doing it. So, why not? Besides, it’s also pretty!

The truth is that I do not have a 9-to-5 job. My work is freelance and on my own time. My passion/life’s purpose is to write – on my own time. In this world of constant distractions, living by chaos-led direction, and a myriad of other excuses/reasons that our creative brains are able to come up with to justify our methods, I choose to channel and redirect so that I can feel content at the end of each day and still find the time to enjoy life fully. I do not want to go to bed at night wondering, “What did I do today?”.

Instead, I have a task-list that gets ticked off as proof of having achieved. I have a calendar scheduled as a guide for those moments when I might think, “What was I doing?” or “What should I be doing right now?”

This brings me security and a sense of calm. Who doesn’t want that?

Ankle Recovery: Week Five @Home

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 152023

Progress at last! After two months since the fall and nearly six weeks since the operation, week 5 at home was one of anticipation as I have started to become bored with being incapacitated on two legs. Although there is still patience required, I can see an end to the wait for life to return to “normal”.

The doctor(s) have given me the green light to start putting weight on the ankle/foot, do more intense physio to walk and return to light activity, drive even, and whatever else I can do within reason. The joy is real and my eagerness is on edge, but I am trying not to go too crazy.

The bandages also came off today. The pic isn’t pretty, but it is looking good.

So, now I am mindfully stepping with the help of my crutches. I have only once or twice put full weight on the foot, but that is still a ginger action since there is still bruising on the bottom of my feet and around the ankle. Plus, the muscles are not quite ready yet. I get a bit of swelling in the foot and toes if I do “too much” so I keep an eye on it and remind myself to rest as well.

Each step is one towards a return to freedom and regular life again, so I continue with a smile and bolstered hope!

Easter Fun

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 122023

We love to host a party. With M’s sisters and nephew visiting over the Easter holiday, what more reason did we need to gather 25 more of our friends over for food, drink, and merriment?

Despite not being able to do much, I managed to create table decor and with the help of my SIL, we got the large table indoors and set, plus M had help in the kitchen. Everyone brought a dish to go with the main lamb plate and no one left hungry. Also, a few of our friends have their own wines, so there were drinks-a-plenty to go around. Thanks to a few photographers in the mix, we were able to get a bunch of lovely pictures as well.

It is always fun to see how people will mix and mingle, but with this lot there was no problem at all. It was a wonderful spring celebration where even the weather cleared a bit to enjoy an outdoor fire and laughs.

Happy Easter!

Ankle Recovery: Week Four @Home

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 062023

Well, my doctor’s visit on Friday last week went positively. They took out the remaining stitches and pins/staples giving us a week off from our next visit, so in two weeks I’ll return for another check up. In the meantime, I will have regular physio appointments closer to home.

My physio sessions are starting to get more intensive as increased mobility and flexibility in the ankle and leg muscles for that area need to be stimulated after nearly six weeks of being unused. It is something odd to observe what used to be a fairly healthy and toned muscle waste away into flabby skin and zero resistance.

The therapist said that it takes 100 days to recover from trauma. This is the case regardless of whether the trauma is mental, physical or a combination of the two. A physical injury carries mental trauma even if we do not realize it.

I tend to think of myself as pretty strong mentally and my physical health is fairly good, but it really is unexplainable the toll that is taken on the mind when the body fails to work as it should. Although I do not fear re-injury or doing something that could cause something else to go wrong, I am aware of a greater imbalance in myself than before.

It takes a lot of mental acrobatics to get myself going each day thanks to the extra effort required for showering, dressing, and getting downstairs or preparing to do something productive for the day. By the time, I am “ready”, I generally feel exhausted and have to push myself to keep going. Using the knee scooter definitely makes a difference from the crutches as I can move around to clean up the kitchen or pick up things here and there since a man-clean is not quite the same as a Tara-clean.

Still, I feel impatient to get back on my feet.

Each day, I push a little more than I probably should to exercise my ankle to be in the right position for standing or stretch the toe muscles so that when I get the green light to put weight on it, I’ll be ahead of the training game. Of course, I understand that it is very likely that there is “beating” the game in this case, but at minimum I feel as if I am making the effort and doing as much as I can.

It’s hard to accept that I am only about halfway through the recovery process, but at the same time I hardly feel like it was only three and a half weeks ago that I had surgery. So, with the slow there is the quick. No doubt, in another week or so I will be forgetting that I couldn’t walk.

Ankle Recovery: Week Three @France

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 042023

We got the OK to take a few days off to go to France last week, so we packed up the car and set off on our road trip to Lorgues.

Late last year, we agreed to rent an apartment for a year in the area where we started our European adventure in October 2020. Since we have friends in the area now, it is the place that I/we go back to for a visit somewhat regularly. As I was taking writing retreats regularly last year and had planned to continue them this year, it made sense to have our own place rather than keep doing a round robin circle of staying with friends. Plus, the place has a well-fenced in area for including the pups on a road trip.

We had planned to get to the apartment in early March when it was ready to set up for use and occasional renting out as high season approaches. Obviously, those plans got a bit delayed so we were keen to get there as soon as possible.

Because we also had a dog-sitter helping us for a bit, we took advantage of the chance to go without the dogs for the first visit.

It was nice to get away for a few days even though M had to do most of the heavy work. It was also an experience for me to try to be “normal” on crutches, which was a less enjoyable eye-opening experience and reminder that patience is a muscle that needs constant training.

The really nice aspect of the apartment is that it is located below that of one of my good friends. This means that I don’t have to travel much to see her and we have someone willing and able to help us out in ensuring the place is safe and in good condition when we or visitors arrive.

So, we passed the time organizing the place, catching up with friends, and drinking rosé, which seems to only taste lovely in the French sun.

There is still some work to be done as it is a good size place that needs a bit of home touches, but it has the basics and will be the perfect space for combining my writing retreats and French getaway – plus road trip with the pups!

Literary Consumption

Literary Escapes 2 Responses »

Aug 092022

When the voices in my head are quiet, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I am never clear as to whether or not it is “normal” to not have the whirlwind of thoughts spinning in my mind. I suppose my normal is not this, though it may be for others.

Lately, I have been more in consumption mode rather than output. It is one way for me to deal with the lack of time to myself, keeping to a routine, and general control of my own activities. So, as I have not shared what I have been reading since January, I shall share what I have consumed over the last six months.

Some of these titles I listened to on audio, some I read on my Kindle, and others I read in good old-fashioned paper. None of these titles caused me to struggle through them, which is impressive as I usually find one or two a challenge.

Of these, my favorite fiction read was Pachinko and I am looking forward to watching the series based on it. In terms of non-fiction, the most enjoyable was Will, which we listened to on a road trip before “the slap” occurred and gave us some insight as to how that situation came to be enacted.

So, while I am slow to write new content lately, I am definitely enjoying my reads.

Physical Purging to Reset

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 282022

There’s nothing quite like a physical purge to reset the mind.

**TMI Warning**

Yesterday I was continuing my inner rage, which I’m sure was reflected in my somewhat negative energy being emitted to others. M decided to fuel the rage with little comments. One in particular sparked a confused response of anger, frustration, and truth – ‘you’re so negative about everything, maybe you need to reflect more on that’!

First of all, telling someone like me that I need to reflect more is never a good place to start as reflection and introspection is like breathing for me. That was the anger. The frustration and truth was in the fact that I have been negative about many things (not quite everything), but I also couldn’t see a way out of it.

So, instead, I raged a little back at him, hid myself away under the excuse of taking a nap and tried to escape the moment.

After I woke up, I decided a bit of alcohol and shisha with CBD would be a good way to ignite my positivity.

Well, it worked for a while until a headache turned into makings of a migraine began to trickle in. It went from a trickle to an invasion of the mind. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom losing control of my movements and my stomach contents – at the same time. (I did warn you!)

It felt reminiscent of the times I’ve had food poisoning and the last time last year when I got really sick purging my stomach then as well. However, the addition of my screaming headache made me realize that I had no control over anything that was happening to me. After two bathroom sessions, I crawled into bed shivering and crying from a complete lack of control over my physical situation. With hands pressed to my eyeballs in hopes of pushing out the pain and a concentrated effort to just breathe while reminding myself that pain is only temporary, my brain finally shut off releasing me into the dark sleep world.

Mercifully, I got to sleep through most of the night thanks to M taking over nighttime puppy duty. Generally, any position changes in my body were met with pain in my stomach or a threat of a visit to the restroom. So, I willed myself to keep sleeping.

By the time the sun rose this morning I felt that the worst had passed.

After gingerly testing out the state of my stomach, I think I am OK now. However, I have realized that the loss of physical control also released the mental cloud that was lingering. Even though it seems that long C19 is holding on, I haven’t felt this light and motivated for a couple of weeks now. So, with fingers crossed, a little prayer to the Universe, and renewed sense of purpose , I think that I have possibly climbed up over that last hill back into the light.

Making an Effort

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Apr 262022

Some days I feel as if the struggle is more real than others. Some days there is no real struggle at all, in fact. However, when climbing up out of a depressive cycle, the struggles can feel like mountains.

On the outside, I think I am fairly well put-together. Even from my partner, I try to hide the tears that occasionally threaten to ooze out of the sides of my eyes (though he usually sees them). On the inside, though, well, it’s a different story.

Despite being a fairly extreme introvert, who can go over a week without noticing that I haven’t left our gates, I know that I need human connection. It’s not simply a matter of interacting with others, but it is feeling seen, heard, and actively responded to by another soul that I crave. Other than M, who does a reasonable job most of the time, I do not have regular meaningful connections with others. My chats with good friends are generally limited to video calls or messages, but that doesn’t quite fill the cup.

So, while I felt my childish inclinations at the surface this past weekend before going out for a social night, I forced myself to make an effort (M really gave me no choice!).

With the help of Jose Cuervo and knowing I had at least one or two backup support in others I knew attending, I “think” I made a new friend with whom I can meet regularly for a coffee and chit-chat. She has her own friends as well in the area, so maybe through some introductions I can get myself out there even more!

In any case, pandemic life and my own social awkwardness may be heightened these days, but it is time for me to keep my eyes on the sun and keep making the effort to get out there!

Wish me luck!

Bringing Light and Leaving the Dark

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 212022

There are few things that trigger my negative psyche these days. Thanks to meditation, reading a lot of books for reflection, and general maturity in life through experiences, I always look inward before letting myself get absorbed by other’s actions or words. Introspection is a daily habit rather than a passing whim for me.

So, when I feel injured by others, I really feel it. It has been a long time since I have let myself invest in a space or be amongst others enough that I could potentially be personally injured, but after months of Zoom sessions, chats online, and what seemed like a good connection, I lowered my wall of protection. Unfortunately, due to money – of all things – wounds that I thought were healed proved to be merely scabbed over and when picked only a little, bled.

Regarding the money, I am responsible and I fully acknowledge it. While I do not have actual control over our finances nor much of a say as to my bank balance these days, I agreed to pay for a service and admit to falling short of that agreement.

However, the problem for me lies in the blurred lines of when service melds into relationships. Was I actually paying for readership of my writing? Was I paying for accountability partners? Was I paying for a support group? These are questions I am still processing answers to as I am not quite sure, or perhaps I am just not ready to accept the answers.

If I had stayed with my wall up and looked at the service as simply a service, I imagine I would not have entered that dark space of my mind so eagerly. However, the loss by being removed abruptly, by being shut out completely, by not having a chance for closure was an unexpected and unprepared for moment because I did let that wall down.

Possibly, if I had not gotten excited over the idea of having writing friends, I would have more thoroughly thought about what I was paying for; therefore, making my protective decisions more carefully. Still, hindsight is 20:20, right?

After wallowing for a couple of weeks, opening the dark space that consequently allowed in C19, and reorganizing my mental processes, I am slowly coming back up out of the abyss with a renewed vision and, admittedly, a reinforcement of protection. This is not to say that I am hardened nor closed off, but rather that I know now that I don’t want any aspect of money to determine the answers to my earlier questions. There is a time and place to pay for certain elements in the writing process – no matter how great or small the sum -, but my values are not respected if I allow myself to be in a place where money is more important than relationships, especially when it comes to writing, especially when there is a common understanding that rejection and abandonment are triggers, especially when compassion and empathy are meant to be at the forefront of the ties that bind.

So, without placing any blame on anyone or in any place other than myself and in my mind, I am pulling up my big girl pants and appreciating the experience and lessons learned as I move forward. My writing will get back on track and I am looking at how to create my own space and support networks that may still involve money, but will value the relationships more so that no one else will be forced to visit those dark recesses of their minds when all they want to do is to bring light through their writing. Stay tuned as the ideas develop!

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