August – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

The Comfort of Solitude

Aug 302022

Technically I am not alone as my puppies and the kitties are with me, plus there is the constant sound of nature all around, but for the last 24 and next 36 hours I am in the physical presence of no other humans. M has gone away on his own retreat of sorts in Brussels where he will hopefully feel refreshed and energized from his preferred city of choice.

While I have had conversations with people, I am enjoying my solitary way of life. First of all, I am extremely productive when left to my own time schedule and daily activities. It takes me back to the early pandemic lockdown days when M would still be able to go off to work, but I was able to work from home.

There is something very satisfying and comforting to have a space all to myself. For one, I know that the kitchen will stay clean, surfaces devoid of clutter, and items still put in their designated locations. 😬🤪 However, even deeper than that is the freedom in knowing that no one is going to come interrupt a thought, or there is no need to negotiate time in how it is spent or things that need to be done. Even words do not need to be wasted. 🤫

As I did my yoga this morning and sat for a few minutes (until the dogs decided it was time for a walk), I acknowledged the need for balance in finding time for and with ourselves as well as with others.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love my married life and sharing time, space, and words with my partner gives me a sense of place in this world. He makes me feel meaningful since I do often question what it is that I am doing in this life. In contrast, as someone who loves being in my own company and head, I am most comfortable on my own lost in my contemplations, creations, and conscious.

Yet, too much of either can create an imbalance.

I feel graced by the fact that the Universe took heed to my list requirements in a partner and put someone who understands the importance of a balance of alone time and together time in my life. Although we are so different in many ways, it doesn’t matter because we always strive to find the middle ground that works for both of us.

So, though, I might complain about this or that when it comes to getting my introverted voice heard by the extrovert in my life, I am definitely not doing so when it comes to enjoying the solitude I get to have for a momentary while longer. 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Words & Their Expressions

Going Mental 1 Response »

Aug 232022

The art of expressing through the weaving of nuances and piecing together of words has always been a skill that I appreciate. One reason that I prefer reading or writing over speaking is that time can be spent on the creation and appreciation of the work. Don’t get me wrong, though, if I hear an orator who can wax rhythm and lyric together on the spot, I am in awe.

I just recently finished listening to Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. She outlines the different pieces of language that we should use to describe our emotions. It was both surprising, and not, to learn that most people only use three or four words to express how they feel – happy, sad, or mad. Yet, we have 87 (known) different emotions and actual words to describe them. After all, if we didn’t have the words, how do we know that we have them?

One of my favorite classes in graduate school was one on semantics. We would chart out the different nuances of words that are similar in meaning, but why we choose one over another in a particular expression. Words are important.

When learning languages through DuoLingo, I am fascinated by which words are taught first. One might assume that the first vocabulary is the same, but some thought has gone into the fact that in French I learned how to ask for croissants and baguettes before knowing how to talk about my family. However, in Italian, I learned about family and mealtimes before the actual dishes or items to eat. Words are important.

Words express culture. Words express the norms of a society, group, tribe, etc. Words are important.

I always know a non-lover of words when the phrase, “it’s just semantics!” is thrown out during a disagreement. This usually signals that the person has no more excuses left to justify why they are ‘wrong’, and so when backed into a corner, the only thing left is to accuse the other person of focusing on the wrong thing. Ironically, the accused may actually be trying to understand the person better through the seeming ‘nit-picking’ on the meaning of the words being used.

For me, I prefer that the most accurate words are used for expression. In this way, less room is allowed for misunderstanding or confusion. It is hard enough to communicate well without having to parse out what someone really is trying to say with the wrong words. Since we all come from different groups/families, words are used differently for various meanings; thus, it is all the more important that we create a common understanding of the words that we are using.

In other words, expanding our vocabularies is meaningful and necessary to express ourselves clearly and openly so that peace and order can reign. Or, at least, this is what I believe. 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Writing as a Living

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 182022

It has been a while since I have had the chance to go on a solo writing retreat due to being busy and also being careful with money. 💰 As there has been a lot of stress in trying to get the house paid off and my sense of frustration with the whole process, it seemed wise to have a break from the environment for a few days.

Whenever I share that I am away people always just assume that it is a holiday, which it is, to some extent, but really I consider it more like a “work trip”. 💻

In one of our heated discussions about money, I suggested that I should go back to work. We had fewer challenges when I was working full-time as we always knew that we had enough money to pay the bills and I had some sense of control over my own ability to spend on things. These days, I feel like a kid again having to ask for money to go shopping, justify it, and then nag until I get it. I understand why there is reluctance and resistance, but it doesn’t make it easier nor more enjoyable.

Still, as M reminds me, it is really a temporary situation as it is just about getting the house paid off. Our monthly income more than covers our expenditures and M wouldn’t be as stressed if we didn’t have the house hanging over us. Normal people get a mortgage and make house payments, but not us. 🤷🏽‍♀️😬

So, that aside – as it will work itself out – we agreed that rather than me going back to work as a teacher, I can work to make money as a writer. This is my dream life, really. I travel and I write. Now, I just need to make some money out of it. 😅

In the end, I have agreed to write another book. While I am plugging along with my fiction novel, which is my main focus for writing on these “work trips”, I am also going to write a book on Umbria, where we have settled. This will be what I work on during the week until it is done. Then, we will see what kind of money we can make from it as M knows how to market it.

Even though I had a massive meltdown recently, I now feel more hopeful and happy with the idea of writing to pay the bills. 😁

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Beauty or Folly of Man

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 162022

People are a strange lot. I often wonder what other life forms think of these Earth crawlers as I am both amazed and dismayed by my fellow humans.

While I maintain my spiritual beliefs, my greatest faith remains in the power of mankind to have the potential to create the awesome and also total destruction. If one ever needs further proof in the balance of yin and yang, I recommend spending some time studying their fellow humans.

I sit writing this in the Piazza della Signoria in Florence, which borders the Uffizi Galleries where the statue of David resides. Here, in this town, Michelangelo created one of the most beautiful representations of the human form in the early 16th century. Over five centuries later, we see a diverse collection of forms that are considered attractive in the eye of a beholder.

People ramble en masse taking in the remnants of the past in whatever form suits them. Some appreciate through the lens of their cameras. Some learn in group tours following the crowd and flag of their guide. Some singularly wander with eyes toward the heavens unaware of what is below. Some pass by with their heads down not caring about the footsteps of those before.

Yet, what I find dissonant is the idea that some among those who walk by carry the souls of Michelangelo and other artists, inspirers of the future, or whatever new idea takes us into the next century.

While the “old” version of me wants to lament at the changed times and suggest there is a lack of appreciation for the beauty that has survived the centuries, the more open-minded part of me is excited and awaits what new beauty shall come forth.

Still, as I consider the state of the world and watch the individuals who stumble by, I question whether my faith is misplaced or if I just need to be a bit more patient for humanity to reveal its highest potential.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Peri-menopausal

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Aug 112022

In my house growing up we had little-to-no secrets when it came to family topics. Of course, we all carried our own individual secrets that we would reveal bits and pieces of in various conversations over the years. Still, I know there are many more to be discovered. 🤔

One thing that my mom and I, as the women in the house, almost never talked about was the topic of womanhood. 🚺 When I started menstruating 🩸, I simply let my mom know by putting sanitary pads on the list. When I switched to using tampons, I just took my mom’s supply as needed until I was able to pay for my own supply.

We never talked about what it meant, how it felt, the hormones that raged, and all the aspects around this so-called coming-of-age rite.

There was a period of time, a decade or so ago, when I worried about my parents’ future together. My mom seemed to always be in a rage and my dad did not know how to cope with her. He complained he could do nothing right. She complained he could do nothing right. So, at least they agreed on something! 🤪

Still, now, looking back I realize that my mom must have been menopausal. 😵‍💫

I remember a few years ago scolding my mom wondering why she and others of her generation never told their children (me) about these issues and possible future experiences when the time came. A part of me always blamed it on the fact that I was adopted and perhaps, she/we thought that the experience couldn’t, or wouldn’t, be the same because we are different ethnically. However, the fact is that women are women and we go through the same process no matter our race.

Thus, here I sit eight months blood-free from the nether regions and fairly blissful about the whole idea. 😅 My BFF and I talk about these things regularly because, well, that’s what BFFs do.❤️ In our sharing, we – definitely I – find comfort in knowing that I am not odd or strange in what is happening to my body and mind.

In fact, there have been plenty of times lately when I’ve thought that I am going crazy. If I try to speak to M about my thoughts, hormones, etc. he makes a half-hearted attempt to relate and understand, but he really has no ability to sympathize nor empathize. Thus, I must turn to female friends and together we commiserate over the hot flashes, the changing bodies, the mood swings that could either be our partners, or hormones, or any combination of all, the forget…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the forgetfulness. 😜

So, if you are a reader identifying as male and struggle to relate to these topics, I can only recommend that you move on or read everything so that you can try to offer support to your female-identifying family, friends, and partners when the time comes for this second rite of passage into “freedom”. 😬

~T🔥🐉♋️

PS. This is also a very entertaining read.

Literary Consumption

Literary Escapes 2 Responses »

Aug 092022

When the voices in my head are quiet, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I am never clear as to whether or not it is “normal” to not have the whirlwind of thoughts spinning in my mind. I suppose my normal is not this, though it may be for others.

Lately, I have been more in consumption mode rather than output. It is one way for me to deal with the lack of time to myself, keeping to a routine, and general control of my own activities. So, as I have not shared what I have been reading since January, I shall share what I have consumed over the last six months.

Some of these titles I listened to on audio, some I read on my Kindle, and others I read in good old-fashioned paper. None of these titles caused me to struggle through them, which is impressive as I usually find one or two a challenge.

Of these, my favorite fiction read was Pachinko and I am looking forward to watching the series based on it. In terms of non-fiction, the most enjoyable was Will, which we listened to on a road trip before “the slap” occurred and gave us some insight as to how that situation came to be enacted.

So, while I am slow to write new content lately, I am definitely enjoying my reads. 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Adriatic Getaway

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Aug 072022

We finally made some time to get away for a few days.

Friends of ours agreed to housesit for us to take care of the cats and pups. Although we could have taken the puppies, it was easier to and nicer to have them safe at home with people we know.

Based on recommendations, we decided to try the other side of the country with beaches on the Adriatic Seaside. Italian beaches are generally fine rock sand or big rocks, much like the “beach” in Nice. Therefore, the northern part of the country is not so popular for seaside visits. Still, since we had not yet visited the other side of Italy yet, we decided to try out the area of Cattolica, which was north of the recommended area of Fano or Senigallia, and south of the more popular and well-known one of Rimini.

While the sleepy seaside town was actually pretty busy, we did not necessarily love the area. However, we/I did love getting away.

For the first time since getting the puppies, I was able to sleep 8 hours of solid sleep! I read most of the day on a bed, dipping into the warm sea now and then. It was very relaxing for me. Though Matt did work and didn’t sit out on the beach as much, we both renewed our need for regular getaways.

So, for just about three hours drive, it was a much needed and enjoyed holiday!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Star Trek & Exploration

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 022022

For as long as I can remember I have been a Star Trek fan. I’m sure my father had something to do with igniting my interest that has lasted through the many variations of Star Trek over the years.

Recently, I have been watching Discovery and Picard while I do my freelance work. Obviously, watching Picard takes me back to The Next Generation when Jean Luc and Wesley Crusher stole my heart. There is such great joy in watching Patrick Stewart on screen. For Discovery, well, I hadn’t expected to like it, but now I’m completely hooked on the series.

I have wondered at my own interest in Star Trek 🚀 over the years. There are elements that I find parallel my own perspective of the world and reason for traveling it.

“…to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.”
Opening of Star Trek

When I enter a new country, learn about its culture and language, I feel like an explorer 🗺 discovering something new and unknown. While I do not believe I am the first and only, I do believe that my experience is unique and my eyes see it as only I can.

Thus, through my return to watching these episodes, I have reignited my interest and desire to travel 🛫. Thanks to C19, I had started to feel content not going very far from home. However, I know that there are still so many places to explore, especially in Europe 🇪🇺 where I haven’t traveled much – yet. So, … I have some ideas formulating about upcoming trips both within continent and off it. Stay tuned!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Looking for the Silence in the Noise

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 182021

Well, we are in Italy 🇮🇹 again. I am not yet ready to update on the settling process; it will be coming soon as there has been some progress, but the art of learning to be patient continues to be the school of life. Either way, I will soon be graduating 👩‍🎓 or dropping out 👎. So, stay tuned for that. 😉

Recently, I have been waking up to the sound of videos and going to bed to the sound of videos 🎥. Even as I tried to write early, I was forced to listen to the sound of a video only occasionally interrupted by a one-sided phone conversation.

My other half likes noise. A common phrase expressed by me throughout moments of the day is, “It’s a bit loud…”. 😛

Last night, we had a disagreement that miraculously was not an argument 😇 despite the nature of the topic and our state of minds. The heat wave 🥵, lack of A/C 😓, lack of consistent wifi 😡, and ongoing unsettled way of life 😝 are contributing factors to my less than cheery temperament since we arrived again in the land of pizza 🍕 and pasta 🍝 .

Rest assured that M and I are indeed on the same page overall. I have enough awareness that while we go about life differently, we are still partner’s enjoying an adventure together. We love each other 💗 without a doubt. We have managed to grow closer even through these past couple of crazy years so far; and so, in that area, there is nothing to worry about nor to complain about (generally).

This does not deny the fact that he frustrates me to no end and vice versa – though obviously me less so to him…! 😛

There is a darkness that fills the space we live in here – not just literally from limited windows and stone walls, but also figuratively in its energy. There is a darkness that surrounds the people we are heavily relying on for our peace of mind, stability, and future. There is a darkness that does not belong in an otherwise beautiful and bright place/expereince.

It’s no secret that Italy was never our first choice of destinations. Once we arrived, though, we both agreed to follow the path that we are on. While I have had hesitations from the start, I have continued on whilst keeping the prize in full view. However, it has not been the smooth and straight path that I was led to believe it would be when I jumped on board.

Like the windy roads that we drive on everyday, it is unknown what is around the bend. When a car drives slowly in front of us, it is not clear if it is better to follow it slowly, or speed on by.

Similarly, I feel that we sometimes speed up only to slow right down, and then not know if we should pass or just enjoy the slower scenery passing by.

While M enjoys the speed and blurring sights, it seems to have become white noise to him along with the sounds of the mindless videos he watches as a distraction from our current reality. For me, I just want to stop 🛑, breathe 🧘🏽‍♀️, and enjoy a bit of quiet/calm. Unfortunately, this tends to come out in expressions of impatience and annoyance at all that is not these things (totally my bad!). Unfortunately, the craving to walk in the light gets overshadowed by the darkness that swirls around this Italian path. Unfortunately, my determination to keep following this path is quickly waning with each dismissive comment, eye roll 🙄, and command to trust a gut that I know from experience and anecdotes cannot always be trusted….

At what point does it become my gut that gets trusted? At what point does my vote get taken as importantly as his? At what point do we agree to call it a day with this path we are on?

He says that we will know.

How? When?

We don’t know.

So, my curious logical brain understands the desire to see where the road ends – whether positively or negatively. If we change course now, we will never know if it was worth it or not.

The good thing is that either way, we will be okay. We will just choose another path if it doesn’t end up as we hoped. Or, we will reflect back looking at the hill we climbed and feel satisfaction that we stayed the course despite the winding road.

In the meantime, I just want a bit of silence. So, I write in the late hours when the house is dark, the man slumbers, and it’s just me with the fans as white noise over the pounding of the keys as my fingers try to keep up with my thoughts to find the silence within the noise.

~T 😀

Dichotomies of Youth

Going Mental 1 Response »

Aug 142021

It’s true that I have a critical view of the world and people. I probably should have trained to become a judge 👩🏽‍⚖️ as I hold individuals, including myself, to a high moral standard. Also, I am a constant observer, analyst, and commentator on human behavior. Often, this comes out as harsh, arrogant, and not very empathetic or compassionate comments to those who are privy to my personal thoughts.

For the past month we have been staying with friends with an occasional trade-off of watching their daughters. Even when our friends are home, we still spend quite a bit of time with the girls. One (P) has just turned 10 and the other (C) recently turned 12 – going on 40.

While I generally enjoy children, I have never been able to cope with certain behaviors – no matter what age.

With C, I basically have no issue as we have a similar temperament and her being a middle-aged pre-teen is relatable for me. Of course, like any human, she has moments of irritation and clear lack of life experience. I AM empathetic, compassionate, and kind with her expressions of thought, whether with undesired attitude or not. Overall, she has a reflective and harmless way. Plus, she’s a fellow Cancer sign 🦀 and intuit.

On the other hand, P pushes all my wrong buttons 🤬 despite moments of cuteness and acceptable sauciness. 😜 Obviously, she’s only ten. However, she already has a mastery of selfishness, smugness, and laziness that I cannot wrap my head around as my core values do not align. Her aura is one of frustration for me, because while I believe she will be able to outgrow these less attractive ways, I worry that her early awareness of manipulation and deception will twist her path in becoming an upright human; though, I maintain optimism that I will be totally surprised at being wrong about her.

In another of M’s strangely dismissive comments about me, to me, he retorted that I judge no one as a “good parent” all the while not ever having had my own children.

It’s generally easy to throw this comment at someone who is childless as there is no comeback for them. It is also an excellent way to shut down a discussion or analysis of the human condition. Usually, I take it as a way of evading any potential negative criticism that might be directed at the one closing the door of rhetoric. 🤷🏽‍♀️

For me, I freely admit that I don’t know what it is like to raise children and struggle to guide beings into becoming functional adults within my personal life. However, as an educator 👩🏽‍🏫 and researcher in the development of people, I feel that I have both an academic and tangential knowledge of what young people need. The more important aspect is that I view these youth without an emotional or biased attachment that comes with having one’s own offspring.

So, while my husband can be flippant with his comments, he forgets that I am actually educated in helping children grow, as a classroom tends to be as important for creating adults who contribute to the success of society as does the home. One could even argue that it is more so.

Further to his comment, I am not particularly judging others’ parenting skills as I am fully aware that life is complicated and it’s a challenge to balance survival with child rearing. I am in awe of people who choose to bring another life into this world and attempt not to ‘f’ them up. 😅 I never felt able to take on such a heavy responsibility as it took me years to sort myself out. So, I have zero regrets for not having my own mini-me’s, but a thousand respects for those who do. 🙏🏽

Basically, I find it interesting/curious 🧐 to see how two beings can come from the same parents and be so different. I often ponder out loud how to curb what I deem to be more worrisome characteristics in a young person so that it does not become a challenge for them or their parents later in life. Ultimately, though, everyone does their best – for the most part. Nature is a very strong feature that no matter how much nurturing is given cannot always be tamed.

Either way, I’ve been learning about myself and M even more through the shared kid-duty responsibilities and enjoying getting to know these young people (and their parents) even more. I look forward to seeing how they change over the coming years. 💞

~T 😀

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