Bipolar – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

Resting

Feb 152017

In coming to terms with who I am as an introvert, semi-anti-social, “fragile creature” (as my husband calls me) and general recluse with ups and downs, I should have known that from my extreme up-state last week there would be a down this week.

Although maintaining a regular work out schedule definitely helps with the moods, the extra yoga sessions that involve interacting with people have taken an energetic toll on me. Actually, when I look back at how I managed to work full-time teaching with meetings, etc. I do wonder if I am being a bit of a wimp these days.

My answer to this is that we have a bit more stress on our shoulders these days, which makes my energy get used up faster and less efficiently as it used to. Also, I think that I would have more rest days when I had a regular schedule, whereas now I really do not have a “day off” during the week. While I try to take half days throughout the week, it really is not the same.

Therefore, I have been listening to my body (has this phrase become cliche?) and not gone to the gym this week. Part of it is Aunt Flo, when we women should basically not do too much anyway since our cycles make us out of whack anyway and so taking it easy helps to keep the body and mind stable. Part of it is also that I am borderline on the down cycle of my ups and downs, so taking some time to keep to myself definitely helps to keep me from continuing downward unnecessarily.

While a part of me could beat myself up for not going to the gym or being lazy, another part of me sticks up for myself by saying – these goals that I made are just for me anyway. Who is affected by me not going to the gym? Me. Who is affected by me taking time off? Me. Thus, despite possibly being a cliche, I am listening to what I need and am comfortable with knowing that my choices affect only me in the end. If my six-pack comes a bit later, that is okay, especially if it means I am happier in the long run.

So, I have been resting, sleeping, chilling out at home and keeping to myself whenever not in a lesson. It has been good and I feel now that it is just past mid-week I will be ready for the upcoming full weekend of yoga training and socializing. 😜

~T 😀

Dark to Light

Going Mental No Responses »

Dec 222016

Getting myself out of the house and remembering where I live is my first step to getting myself away from the threat of the dark state that wants to settle back in to my psyche disturbing my way of life.

Yesterday morning or maybe during the day I read this article on Facebook about the 6 Secret Signs of Hidden Depression. As I read it I said to myself, this is me every day and describes me on a regular basis even on my good days! 😳😬 I think that it kind of worried M a bit when I shared this reality because it is true that I have been a bit on the downward spiral with some days better than others, but in general lately I have felt especially tired and less motivated each morning to get up. 😔

Even this morning, I wondered to myself, what will motivate me to get out of the bed let alone out of the house? 🤔

First, the promise of getting to the pool for a swim (if the water was warm enough) was one step as our short trip the other day reminded both of us of the benefits of getting out in the sun and enjoy what this region has to offer with the wonderful weather this time of year. ☀️

Second, the cleaner was there and we both hate to be in the house when she is there. So, after getting her started, it was a good reason for me to not be in the house.

Ultimately, I also knew that I needed to make use of my time since M is away until afternoon for work and I have not been keeping up with my writing and planning time to get things done online. I do have quite a few things to do on the computer with some project ideas for ways to boost income online. This requires wifi, which is why I can sometimes justify staying inside all day; however, I am writing this now offline and know that I can later go in to paste into a post. Usually, I do save my online work for when M is not at home so that I can spend my time with him, but the truth is that I need to alter this thinking a bit since our time ‘together’ tends to revolve around watching TV, which is not really the best use of my time nor really quality time for us. Therefore, I am going to be re-working this since he is going to be around more the next week or so due to the holidays and people being away keeping his schedule light.

In any case, I am being a bit slow and lazy in adjusting my way of thinking about life these days. It is probably due to depression which has also affected my diet which I do know affects every other aspect of my life. Therefore, I am taking the first step needed to take action against letting it win over my life as it has done in the past. It is good to know that I am learning from the past even if I am not yet good at preventing it from happening.

One massive realization this week is that I need to constantly stay on top of this depression issue. There is absolutely no room for complacency. Any letting of the guard down in keeping up routines, working out, etc allows room for me to stumble into the dark state. Before I had work as a way of distraction or more constant contact with friends which kept me busy, which helps to fend off the penetration of the darkness; however, I no longer have external or passive ways of distraction. Therefore, I need to actively structure my life around a healthy way no matter what our circumstances are to ensure that I keep on going towards the light!

~T 😀

Structures

Going Mental No Responses »

Oct 052016

So my post the other day on working vs not working also brought up some ponderings on my regular visits on the topic of schedules, discipline and structures.

My tendencies for ups and downs are really being challenged lately as I find myself lacking consistent structure. I still keep a schedule. I still am planned day-to-day or even weeks ahead, but I am required to be a bit more flexible and am finding myself a tad busier than I would like to be. At the moment, it is okay as my busyness is in networking, which I need to do to promote the business. I am hoping that in a short time I will be able to decrease the networking activities and be busy with clients or my other aspirations.

Still, I am finding that my writing is getting pushed aside again. While I am maintaining this blog reasonably well and trying to stay up with my business blog and social media, my personal writing has greatly diminished. Although I was working on my novel quite a bit over the summer, it has been weeks if not a couple of months since I last worked on a chapter. It doesn’t help to not have Internet at home, but even when I am taking time to be on the computer I am usually focusing on other activities.

The question then is whether or not I need to return to a more structured schedule. Perhaps I do. Perhaps this will help me to keep my boundaries clear with time on activities and do what is not only productive, but also beneficial. At the moment, I have a full schedule:

Sundays – focus on work to promote new teacher training course in Abu Dhabi & afternoon tutoring

Mondays – Yas Mall walking, coffee with ladies & afternoon tutoring (sometimes networking event)

Tuesdays – morning run with ladies, pottery, afternoon tutoring, yoga client and sometimes networking

Wednesdays – morning golf and coffee, evening photography or networking

Thursdays – Yas Mall yoga, coffee with ladies and a free afternoon/evening (sometimes photography)

Fridays – morning yoga client, brunch or evenings with friends

Saturdays – morning and afternoon tutoring, evenings to relax

So, every day is quite full. I am still trying to wake up at 5am to meditate, though I am struggling with this. When I do I feel good, but then I feel quite tired. I am going to sleep later than usual these days, though not exhausted as I would feel from a full day of work at the university. We have taken the week off from the gym, but I am still doing yoga at home most days and then next week we will be back to the gym for weight training. 😛

I am not sure how the days pass so quickly and I definitely do not miss my old life by any means. Yet, I do wonder – wasn’t I supposed to be ‘retired’??? 😀

In any case, I just need to stop to take note, breathe and make sure that I do not over extend myself so as not to lose energy and get worn out. Still, I am enjoying each day fully!!!

~T 😀

Mindfulness Summit 2015

Going Mental No Responses »

Oct 012015

My friend, T posted this on her FB page as an event she was planning on attending. I had seen it before on another friend’s post, but had only glanced at it then. So, this time I took a closer look at it.

In the past, people have suggested the idea of meditation and tried to explain what it is; however, I have generally chalked it up to a Buddhist idea or some exotic activity that those who wander into a ‘hippy-like’ spiritual journey undertake. Of course, I thought this about yoga as well – until I tried it. Calling this ‘mindfulness’ seemed to work better to pique my interest.

So, I decided to take the challenge. It’s 31 days – how can it hurt? Becoming more aware of my mind is a path I have undertaken since I first admitted to having bipolar tendencies. Since doing so, I have gotten a much better handle on how my mind works and what I need to do to ensure a stable mindset. Therefore, learning mindfulness or meditation is just another way of helping me along this path – I think. 😉

At the end of every yoga session, we generally take a few moments to focus on our breath and to bring focus to our bodies. This isn’t a traumatizing or funky spiritual activity, but it has calmed me and brought me “zen”. Therefore, I’m really looking forward to doing 31 days of training on this for a regular part of my day. Some might consider prayer time the same – for I used to commune with God regularly each night when I was more of a church-going spiritual person. Now, I’m more of a yoga and ‘humanist’ spiritual person and looking into mindfulness for communing. 😀

Today was the first day and I gotta say…NICE!

-T 😀

Both Ends are’a Burnin’….

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 292015

burning-the-candle-at-both-ends I am exhausted…that’s truly an understatement. I thought I was doing okay in balancing my life out, but it seems that isn’t the case. It is affecting just about all parts of my life, which is not great, though I think work benefits the most. So, this picture nicely illustrates how I’m doing…balancing it all somehow on a very unstable point…It is best that I find a way to do better before it all falls to pieces….

One problem is that I am keeping myself WAY too busy. I realize this and shall adjust my schedule accordingly.

Another problem is that I do not have a ‘decompression chamber’ in my house where I can hide and re-energize my introverted sensibilities. Therefore, all my tension is building up as my energy drains with no way of getting it back.

So….I am hoping to find a better way and path. I am generally happy, but I know this calm that I pretend to have will not last given my tendencies and I can feel the downward trend coming up. If I fall, I might fall hard this time around, so it is time to be proactive and take care of myself first. This is not all that easy to do, but I need to…I feel detached from myself, my creativity, my core….

This weekend, M is away (:(), but it is a good chance for me to try to rejuvenate and rest. I’m not sure how well that will go given that I have plans throughout the weekend, but I will do my best!! 😀

In the meantime, I am going to try to be more consistent with writing at least on this blog, if not on my TUA site….. It will all come back in time, but time…yes, time…. 😛

More to come, eventually,

A Wee Bit Depressed…

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 242014

For the past couple of weeks I have been tired and unmotivated. At first, I thought it was due to Aunt Flo or stress. Then, I thought perhaps it was because I wasn’t eating enough during the day, which still may be the case. Then, I thought perhaps it was due to an increase in my caffeine intake since work started, which may also be the case. However, two days ago, I realized that really I think it is one of my downs coming on….

Once I sort of focused on that and admitted that I may be getting a little depressed, I have been able to focus on how to keep myself from letting the down go full blown. So far, I seem to be doing okay. I have stopped the caffeine and plan to keep at it for the next couple of weeks to cleanse my system from needing it. Then, I think I can go back to one cup a day… (maybe!). 😛

Some ways that I battle the downs is by focusing on myself. This means getting some pampering done, scheduling my life very carefully and ensuring that I am surrounded by positive energies rather than those that drain me. It’s much harder to do than we think, but once done, life is definitely better. So, I’m starting to breathe a bit more and refocusing myself on what needs to be done. Phew! 😀

More to come,

Routines

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 072014

If we know anything about Tara, we know that she likes her routines. It’s taking a bit of time to adjust back into one, BUT, it seems that we are getting there. 😀

Some changes were needed to be made, though…
*Deleted Candy Crush from all mobile devices
*Setting boundaries on checking FB and emails

At the moment, the routine that is working for me is:
*Get up and ready for the day
*Work out (alternate between swimming and treadmill run with weights) + yoga stretching
*Shower and have breakfast
*Computer time [includes dissertation work usually started off with FB, emails and other Internet activites]
*Break for lunch/snack
*Focus again
*Rest/relax or go out of the house
*Dinner and TV or something
*Bed

Now, Candy Crush was starting to take over my productivity as well as focus on relaxation in more ‘useful’ areas. Not to say that playing a bit of CC now and then is a big deal, but it was actually stressing me out! So, it seemed okay to let it go. Instead, I hope to use the time for reading or actually talking to the people around me. 😛

My checking of FB and emails has always been something I fluctuate with in terms of frequency, but I read yesterday about using our time well and realized that I really do NOT need to be constantly checking either one of these things. So, I will return to my previous assignation of morning and evening times for checking these, leaving the rest of the day free from their brain-sucking claws! 😉

Of course, I still have Messenger for FB as an app that alerts me if someone wants to chat and can be connected regularly if need be. However, as I try to focus on truly finishing up the dissertation and just having better balance, I will try to maintain these ways for now. 😀

More to come,

Cipralexing: Omg and Beyond

Going Mental No Responses »

Dec 302013

So, it has now been over a week since I have been completely off the Cipralex.

I must say I definitely have gone through ups and downs; however, I cannot say for sure how much was the decrease or how much was the events around me. In general, I feel pretty good.

One interesting and annoying side effect I have had is zaps of dizziness. There is no pain to speak of, but I will suddenly get this rush past the front of my brain that sounds like a zzzaaaappp and then I’ll feel dizzy for a moment. Some days it happens a lot and others less. When I am more tired, I notice it more. I do hope that it will pass soon, though.

It is possible that I will start to struggle soon with my ups and downs, but am hoping that the routines and structure I have in place now will keep me focused on staying balanced in the middle. We shall see.

That’s my update and last one for a while on the Cipralex. It was good to be on it for the past nine months and it is possible that I will go on it again in the future. However, I am hoping that I can maintain a balance without it as I see how the side effects can be less beneficial over time. 🙂

-T 😀

Cipralexing: 10mg to 5mg

Going Mental No Responses »

Dec 172013

This week starts my 5mg run and next week I will be completely off the Cipralex for the first time since March. Nine months is pretty good, even though I had said a year. It is interesting how much changes in a short span.

The past couple of weeks I have been extremely energetic and quite happy. Sometimes I scare R in the morning with my ‘joy’. I really do feel good, though I am starting to get a little bit tired since I have been doing a lot in the early hours – all before the day even really begins. Still, I feel like there is true positive energy coming out of me.

At the same time, I am journaling every day to stay on the watch for the signs that this is an extreme high and the extreme low may come. I am hoping that will not happen and that if this wears off, I will at least be able to maintain control so that the low never fully hits. So, we will see.

In any case, there is nothing wrong with being happy and productive!

-T 😀

Rebooting the Mind…

Going Mental No Responses »

Oct 252013

Well, if I had thought that I had somehow gotten rid of the bipolar tendencies, the last couple of weeks have reminded me that no medication or denial will remove the reality. 😐

So, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral, but think I am pulling myself back up before totally hitting bottom, we shall see.

In any case, I have been on a reboot of my mind this past week and it seems to be helping me a bit. The work with Karen also helps me. I will write more about my latest two sessions with her later.

There are a few decisions that I have made though that are fairly significant.

1. I am going to pull myself out of financial debt. This means that:
*I will not travel until the summer – unless I somehow make extra money to pay off the debt faster.
*I will minimize my pampering (I can’t give it up entirely…after all I still need to stay sane!).
*I will focus my priorities on being financially responsible.

The reason for this is that I cannot leave the country with debt here. I hate that feeling because it makes me think that I am trapped here. Of course, I am not and I would/should pay any consequences should I forfeit payment such as jail time, not being allowed to return to the country in the future, etc. However, I would rather not put myself into such a negative situation since I clearly have the ability to get myself out of it with some sacrifice and responsibility on my part. Also, it is time after almost five years here that I actually start to show money-wise for my time. It’s a bit ridiculous that I have no savings despite what I make. I do not regret this, though, as I have done a great deal of traveling, which can be worth more than all the savings in the world.

2. I am going to find a way to be happier with my work. This means that:
*I may find a job back in Japan for a period of time.
*I may find a job in the States for a period of time.
*I may find a strategy for moving my work in another direction.

The reason for this is that I am not content with what I do or where I do it. Teaching is okay. My students are alright. However, it does not fulfill me as it should. I am always striving to do more and be more, but I feel held back in my current job as well as this country. While it could just be my own self limiting me, I think I need to work on a shift of my perspective which sometimes comes with a change in setting as well. So, I am not sure what will happen exactly here, but the doors are open in my mind and hopefully something will present itself as the best option.

3. I am going to work on myself only and not let the problems of others affect my inner peace. This means that:
*I will surround myself with positive and proactive people. Those who do not fulfill this in my life will, sadly, be less important to me.
*I will not become engaged in others’ stress, complaints or whining about life as it does not positively contribute to my own life or perspective on the world.
*I will have self-respect, pride and love for myself above anything or anyone else. If this makes me seem selfish, so be it as it is about my own survival, health and well-being at this point in my life.

The reason for this is that I am very sensitive to others’ who see me as a great sounding board for their complaints and venting about life. I absorb the negative energy more than most others, I think. Therefore, it affects me at a much higher intensity and affects my mood and self-image. To achieve the goals and dreams that I have for myself, I need to be happy and content within.

So, this is the current reboot of my mind. More will come and it will be difficult at times, but this is something I really needed. The events of my last post was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Hopefully, I can be a model and inspiration to others. If not, my goal is that I am a model and inspiration to myself. 🙂

-T 😀

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