Creative Meanderings

Well, if I had thought that I had somehow gotten rid of the bipolar tendencies, the last couple of weeks have reminded me that no medication or denial will remove the reality. 😐

So, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral, but think I am pulling myself back up before totally hitting bottom, we shall see.

In any case, I have been on a reboot of my mind this past week and it seems to be helping me a bit. The work with Karen also helps me. I will write more about my latest two sessions with her later.

There are a few decisions that I have made though that are fairly significant.

1. I am going to pull myself out of financial debt. This means that:
*I will not travel until the summer – unless I somehow make extra money to pay off the debt faster.
*I will minimize my pampering (I can’t give it up entirely…after all I still need to stay sane!).
*I will focus my priorities on being financially responsible.

The reason for this is that I cannot leave the country with debt here. I hate that feeling because it makes me think that I am trapped here. Of course, I am not and I would/should pay any consequences should I forfeit payment such as jail time, not being allowed to return to the country in the future, etc. However, I would rather not put myself into such a negative situation since I clearly have the ability to get myself out of it with some sacrifice and responsibility on my part. Also, it is time after almost five years here that I actually start to show money-wise for my time. It’s a bit ridiculous that I have no savings despite what I make. I do not regret this, though, as I have done a great deal of traveling, which can be worth more than all the savings in the world.

2. I am going to find a way to be happier with my work. This means that:
*I may find a job back in Japan for a period of time.
*I may find a job in the States for a period of time.
*I may find a strategy for moving my work in another direction.

The reason for this is that I am not content with what I do or where I do it. Teaching is okay. My students are alright. However, it does not fulfill me as it should. I am always striving to do more and be more, but I feel held back in my current job as well as this country. While it could just be my own self limiting me, I think I need to work on a shift of my perspective which sometimes comes with a change in setting as well. So, I am not sure what will happen exactly here, but the doors are open in my mind and hopefully something will present itself as the best option.

3. I am going to work on myself only and not let the problems of others affect my inner peace. This means that:
*I will surround myself with positive and proactive people. Those who do not fulfill this in my life will, sadly, be less important to me.
*I will not become engaged in others’ stress, complaints or whining about life as it does not positively contribute to my own life or perspective on the world.
*I will have self-respect, pride and love for myself above anything or anyone else. If this makes me seem selfish, so be it as it is about my own survival, health and well-being at this point in my life.

The reason for this is that I am very sensitive to others’ who see me as a great sounding board for their complaints and venting about life. I absorb the negative energy more than most others, I think. Therefore, it affects me at a much higher intensity and affects my mood and self-image. To achieve the goals and dreams that I have for myself, I need to be happy and content within.

So, this is the current reboot of my mind. More will come and it will be difficult at times, but this is something I really needed. The events of my last post was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Hopefully, I can be a model and inspiration to others. If not, my goal is that I am a model and inspiration to myself. 🙂

-T 😀