Relationships always have ups and downs, whether romantic or platonic. I value my relationships as treasures and gifts that can never be replaced, because – well – they can’t.
Whether or not one believes in God or a higher being, it shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination nor acceptance to acknowledge that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes these reasons are to teach us something, sometimes it is to teach them something, sometimes it is out of convenience, sometimes it is for forever; always it has meaning.
M and I have observed/are observing a few marriages/romantic relationships struggling and it is a sad process to watch.
Having had our own relationship demises, we discuss how and why connections seem to go wrong. I love this aspect of M because he reflects, processes, and adjusts himself to ensure that mistakes aren’t repeated to jeopardize the strength of his relationships.
Likewise, I do the same.
Also, I stand fast to the belief that we need to communicate more. So many people want to poo-poo the fact that feelings are talked about or dismiss the need to get things off our chests. However, I maintain that, aside from the outrageous consumption of sugar and other chemicals, the reason cancer runs rampant is because we hold on to the darkness of thoughts, energy, and feelings. While we may not be able to control environmental impacts on our health and quality of life, we can most definitely control our consumption, exposure, and expression.
M, being British, sometimes justifies that culturally English people do not speak so much of feelings and that therapy is an American concept.
I argue that while that may be true, and generationally it doesn’t matter the country/culture, it doesn’t make it right or healthy. I’m not saying that we should talk about every single emotion or thought that passes through our minds/hearts. I AM saying that we should talk about what we hold onto that doesn’t serve us in creating lightness in our lives. Holding grudges, becoming bitter, mumbling and grumbling are not necessary to life. They are indeed a fact of life, but we are not required to hold on to them or let them perpetuate until they grow into dark cancerous bits that take hold of our souls.
This is not to say, either, that we should run away from the problems that come up including another human being – especially one that we are committed to (legally or not). This is the modern-day response to “removing negative influences” in our lives. Nothing is gained from running away either. Working on the relationship and then agreeing to walk away or one realizing that it is detrimental to their life to stay is not considered running way, but being wise in severing that connection for their well-being.
For me, my greatest learning in life has been communicating what is in my heart and mind. I do not have verbal diarrhea, and I do not walk around with my heart on my sleeve. However, I think I can proudly claim that I do speak my mind when I feel that it is important to do so.
M and I have a fairly healthy way of sharing with each other moments of annoyances (before it escalates to a fight), requests to avoid projecting our own issues on each other, or a need for some temporary space to process what we need before sharing or discussing it with each other. When we fight, which is not that often, we do it fiercely but we come back later to rationally explain and listen to each other’s points of views. We may choose to agree to disagree, but we respectfully acknowledge the other’s side. We also agreed very early on in our marriage that we would never ever throw out the “D” word in arguments nor even joke on it as an option because it begins to fray the binds that connect us and we do not want to do that – ever.
So often after we discuss with people who are struggling and we share with each other what was said – we do tell each other EVERYTHING – it almost always boils down to the fact that they don’t communicate nor listen to their partners. Imagine what healing and positivity could arise if they were able to communicate, listen, and be heard?
Life drives meaning and purpose from these two simple actions: listening and speaking. These can be done aurally or in writing. Still, they must be done. In doing them, we learn about each other, we gain respect for one another, and most importantly, we come to understand others and ourselves better.
Thereby, making our lives even more meaningful!
~T π
