Creative Meanderings

Seems like most days this is how we are hanging on.

Although a fog has lifted from my mind the past couple of days, I feel as if the strength I have in me is weak and fragile. Each day I wake up a little happier, but then something can be said or read or done and I struggle with the possible spiral that will shift my mood downwards. It is a constant struggle to stay on the positive side.

M and I were discussing suicidal thoughts and whether or not it is a normal thing amongst people. Is it common or is it strange to have them come up especially as an adult?

I have had them more recently, reminiscent of my darker unaware days. It is a sense of guilt towards those who would be left behind that keeps me present in this world – to be completely honest.

Yet, a voice inside says “Yes, but their lives would go on.”

While another voice says “True, but how would I affect the trajectory of their lives by not being here or taking it away on my own…can I live with the eternal or next life consequences? Or can I just push through to see this life by giving it the best that I can?”

Perhaps this is simply my ego talking – after all who am I to think I would have any effect at all…?

Often I wonder at those who do take their lives. What was it that finally pushed them to take action in such a way? What was the justification that gave them the sense of okay?

M says my/our brains are just wired this way – to be strong, to find a way through. My question is then – to what end/purpose? Why am I not yet fulfilling my life purpose? What am I meant to be doing or sharing with the world still that my mind says “No, it is not yet your time.”?

He wants to believe that everyone thinks about taking their own lives at different moments in life. I tend to think this is not the case or that it is a matter of degree in which the thought is given brain time.

I believe some people never even have it cross their mind once in life. Those people I envy immensely. I imagine some people may have had thoughts as teens during a first heartache or drama and then never thought it again because life does go on. Then, there are those who perhaps at some point in teenage years or early adulthood who faced it head on. Perhaps, like me, the pills were piled up and ready to be taken. Or, it was just a flash of a moment when an action could have ended it then.

However, as adults, we never really talk about suicidal thoughts or tendencies. We are deemed crazy or in need of psychological treatment – which still may be true – if we do, but perhaps for some of us it is just one of our challenges to be dealt with periodically. If this is so, then the answer for M is that “no, it is not common.” Yet, as we continue living we do find a way and a reason to get through the days until we forget these thoughts for this cycle.

As I work through this phase of it and look for my greater purpose, I come closer to realizing I need to share my story – in other words, write more and publish it for others. It is time. I am old enough to be heard and brave enough to let it out. Perhaps then I will feel and know – to what end.

Until then, I hold on to the bare threads with all the strength I have got.

~T 😀

My husband said this to me on the way out the door this morning due to my seemingly worsening mood/state of mind.

First off the season is changing. I know that sounds strange in a place like AD, but truly there are more clouds, it is getting cooler and I think there was even some sort of moisture in the air yesterday or the day before. 😛 So, it is indeed becoming ‘winter’ here, which in some ways is nice because I can be outside more, but as I do not have a balcony to get me out the door I have not put in the effort to simply get myself downstairs and outside. Or, like yesterday, out of the door at all. (Well, I did get out every two hours to go downstairs for laundry…. 😉 )

While I am generally a morning person and getting up early is not a struggle, I have been finding myself sleeping straight through until about 6:30am and then avoiding having to get out of bed until M has waited as long as he can to start getting ready for work. Instead of pushing him out the door so that I can start my day, I want him to stay with me all day….

Although I have things to go out and do I am equally happy to put them off to another day. For the past few days that I have been on my own, I spend it in front of the computer writing – which is good – but really fighting the urge to sit in front of the TV and let it suck my will to live.

Therefore, I think it is probably safe to say I am officially in a depressive state. No wonder my yoga business is not moving – I am stuck. However, four days ago I joined a seven-day yoga teacher challenge to re-evaluate my brand/business through an FB group. Yesterday was about how to align ourselves and way of life with our target audience/clients and the brand.

This morning I wrote three ways to align myself if my target clients are those who are depressed, have anxiety or are stressed (like me!).

1) meditate on goals and truly visualize them as success – what do i look like having reached those goals?;

2) get on the mat even when I am not “feeling it” – building a discipline and habit can provide the support needed when feeling down;

3) take time to truly relax – sauna, swim, veg out – whatever it maybe. Restorative practice works on the mat, but finding ways to release stress off the mat is equally important.

Along with my new daily Lord’s prayer routine, I need to add these three. Maybe then I’ll ‘buck up’!!! 😛

~T 😀

Yep, I actually Googled the definition of masochism this morning. Why? Because, I wonder if my subconscious is really masochistic…. 😐

I feel as if the darkness is winning these days.

It is the season of being thankful, thinking about presents and the coming family-time, looking forward to the new year on the horizon with all that it promises. To do this, I have to reflect over the year….

Things I am Thankful For:
*got married and had a wonderful wedding where I was able to see my most loved ones all in one place.
*quit my job and, despite current circumstances, I absolutely know it was the right decision to have made.
*been able to really discover my friendships and those who value me as much as I value them.
*health.
*nearly completed my yoga certification with new possibilities, new friends, etc.
*…and more no doubt

Things I am Looking Forward to:
*enjoying our new apartment with furniture and decorations with the ability to really make it home…
*financial stability and freedom
*being debt-free to people and hopefully to any institution
*traveling again
*having a worry/stress-free daily life

When I adjust my perspective to focus on these things, I have to give myself a figurative head slap. What is my problem, really? Everything is temporary in terms of the challenges and struggles.

This weekend my teacher said someone said to her “You have to just sit through the darkness”. I recently listened to a podcast where someone spent a year in isolation and got through his dark periods by “just sitting through it”. Noticing a theme??

Therefore, while I am definitely not deriving any pleasure of any kind from pain to myself – mentally, emotionally or physically – I do know that I need to learn to sit through it to break a cycle and come out on the other side; definitely on top!

~T 😀