January – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

S.A.D.

Jan 262023

When I lived in Oregon as a young person I would often have a sense of melancholy during the winter or grey sky days. For a long time, I chalked it up to me just being a bit depressive by nature and a characteristic of my more introspective ways. 😢 Then, I heard about this thing called seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) or seasonal depression.

Although having a label is not necessarily my aim, it is often helpful to have terms to use in describing a certain way of thinking or behaving. With a label definition as a guideline, one can try to address it and create a new understanding of one’s identity either within the guidelines or push on beyond it. So, it was when I went to Japan and experienced colder, but sunnier winters that I realized I would not feel as “blue” as I normally would that time of year in the Pacific Northwest.

My nine years in the desert really highlighted just how much I love/need the sun ☀️ and warmth as not once did I miss rain or cold weather. On the rare occasion when rain ☔️ did fall or a sandstorm 🌪️ rose up, I accepted a temporary lapse in the ideal weather pattern, but if it lasted more than a day or two I was not pleased. 😡

Now that we are in our second year in the Italian countryside, I am more settled and aware of myself outside of the external contributing factors that may cause stress or a lower mood level. Without those things to explain why suddenly I feel less chipper than I used to, I can now put my finger on the fact that where we live continues to be similar to where I grew up in another part of the world with weather conditions not much different. In fact, as my father often mentions, our temps and weather doesn’t differ much than at home. 🤦🏽‍♀️

So, I finally acknowledged this week that I think I might be a little depressed. 😬

It’s not stress as we really have nothing to stress about. Although my husband can cause me external grief 🙄, it is not enough to definitively say that it is him as the source of my darker moods. The fact that it is cold, we have many days of grey, and the dark is where I spend a great portion of my day to avoid letting the heat out are undeniable causes of my gloom. 😵‍💫

They say the first step is to be aware. Check ✅. The next step is to accept. Check ✅. Now, to do something about it! 💪🏽

We have discussed plans to go away in March, but the fact is that the weather here will be better by then. So, for this year, we are looking at traveling a bit more since seeing new places always lifts my mood. Then, for this time next year, we are going to plan in advance to be away in warmer climates to avoid a repeat of these darker days in the future.

In the meantime, I am focusing on the positives and layering up even more as I open my windows more often to let the sunlight ☀️ in during the day. 😁

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Snow January 2023

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jan 242023

Although it was cold last year, I don’t recall us getting any snow in our area. We saw some crazy hail storms and had a few frosty mornings, but no land of white. So, when it snowed earlier this week, it was very exciting! Our house looked lovely and our pups enjoyed their first snow experience. Plus, it was a great excuse to snuggle inside with the fire roaring and there may have been a nap snuck in there as well.

Here are a few pics:

Hope you’re staying warm and cozy wherever you are!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

No Drama, Please!

Going Mental 3 Responses »

Jan 202023

I think of myself as an old-soul. Emotions have never been on the surface for me; thus, the expression of them has always been tame. I greatly dislike a show of emotions to the point that I will cry from frustration at feeling so angry at something or someone, but don’t want to express it. I rarely cry at all unless it is in Sex in the City when Big doesn’t get out of the car or a flash mob or standing ovation that expresses moments of unity among people. Otherwise, even the sappiest of romance films can leave me dry-eyed. I do not like comedies for the expected outbursts of laughter, generally speaking.

However, as I get older and the more time I spend with M, the more emotional I have become. Now, let me just say, when I say I get emotional, it’s more like the slow burn of a heating teakettle rather than the constant bubble of a boiling pot. Still, I have found that lately I’m actually funny. I mean, I say witty things and people laugh. Not just my husband, but actual real other people! 🤣😂 There’s no increase in crying, though – thankfully! 😅

Despite all this, I continue to have a rather limited tolerance for drama. In fact, since I returned from the States, that has decreased even more, or so it seems.

My partner is not quite the same. Perhaps an understatement…

Where I am stoic, he is dramatic. Although we are not opposites in all things, he definitely likes outbursts of laughter and sappy rom-coms far more than I do. Thankfully, he appreciates a good crime show.

So, some days are a test of my patience and self-control to not bite back when his dramatic flare is at its height. The other day, he called me from downstairs asking for some paperwork. It wasn’t so much a request as a demand because he needed it NOW, except he didn’t. He lamented with great self-importance that he had so many messages to respond to with a tone that suggested I needed to drop everything to meet his demands. You can imagine how well that went down. 🤪 After a calm reply of what I was willing and able to do to help him, he registered the controlled tone of dismissal to his ego-boast and adulted all by himself. 🙄😜

In a later conversation, I suggested that perhaps he didn’t need to be so dramatic. He countered with his usual deflective responses. I listened and laughed, but let’s just say “he’s been managed” 😁😁!

In this year of SELFishness, my desire to reduce drama is high on my list. We’ve done a few years in M’s way where drama is the motivating factor. Now, I’m going to focus on turning that down a few notches where drama has a purpose, but is no longer a way of life! Wish me luck! 🍀

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Affirming My No Kids Decision 😬

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jan 182023

When I was young I thought I wanted to have a huge family. Since I had moved around so much and never felt as if I “belonged” in the sense that people wouldn’t question my roots or right to claim a family as my own, I thought that if I had my own kids I would then obviously have established my place in the world. So, for many years, I imagined myself with at least four or six kids. I mean, why not?!

Then, I realized I was actually a little bit nuts thinking that way. Plus, I think I really had gone a bit nuts in my late 20s and early 30s. Everything I thought was the right path to take went into question when the man I had committed to turned out to be a liar of who he presented himself to be not only to me, but to the world. My faith in commitment over love was shattered. I thought that I was supposed to have chosen the practical and realistic path, not the one that was about soulmates and a love so deep that it hurt.

Feeling as if I had truly chosen a path that was just a dead end, I reconsidered the option of having children. Would a child save my marriage since my former mother-in-law was so persistent in asking us when we would give her a grandchild? Thankfully, it seemed that the Great Beings above were looking out for me and no kids were granted before I woke up to the fact that I could choose a path of life that did not follow the conventional.

Over the years in my mid to late 30s I would consider children again. Could I adopt? Should I marry someone who was really desperate to have his own kids? Wait, did I really even want them knowing what I knew then?

After a bit of soul searching, asking my parents, asking other people, I came to the conclusion that there was no satisfactory reason for me to have children. I didn’t have an aching desire for it. I didn’t care about having heirs or security that someone would take care of me in my senior years. I definitely didn’t need to feel as if an alien was growing inside of me, like invasion of the body snatchers that consume every natural function of my physical well-being. I didn’t want to embrace sleepless nights or feeling glued to a location for stability, schooling, so-called sanity. There was literally nothing that gave me a warm sensation about having kids. Not even my deep-rooted issue about not looking like anyone in family photos could persuade me that having dependent lifeforms carrying on my genes was a good idea.

So, I determined, no children – ever!

When M and I met, it was kismet because he had had his children and ensured that we could not have them together. This is a basic agreement any serious relationship should start with; otherwise, there is potential disappointment for one party or the other later. No children – ever – guaranteed.

“But, you like kids and they like you!” was always a response I would get when the topic of having offspring would arise. I do not disagree with this statement, still it does not change my mind.

This past week confirmed my stance.

Since we moved to France, we became wonderful friends with a family that has two young girls. They are now 11 and 13. We get along great as couples and with their girls. We somehow very early on agreed to kid-sit for first a night or two, then a week, then a couple of weeks, and now here and there. It’s always easy and never an issue. We have the lifestyle that makes it possible and neither of us begrudge the chance to help out our friends.

Most of the times we have watched the girls it has been during school holidays or for such a short time that regular school days were never really experienced. So, this past week was quite different for me. What is even more shocking – to me – is that it was only for two and a half days that the “school day” duties were in play; it felt like the entire week! 🤪😅

It was having four drives back and forth to do drop off and pick up since they have different timetables. Then, although I didn’t end up having to do any after school activity drives, there was scheduled activities in various locations where one did not have enough time to go home and settle or do much other than kill time somehow, somewhere. Again, the Great Beings above must have been looking out for me as I ended up not having to do any of the after-school chauffeuring. Still, I thought, HOW does anyone do this? Furthermore, how does anyone do this as a single parent?!

By the time, meals were considered – again not really that much of an issue for me as most was leftovers from a well-stocked fridge, or pizza, or the girls took care of themselves -, schedules sorted, homework done, chores completed, a bit of rest and then bedtime activities, I was exhausted. No wonder parents are often sleep-deprived or feel unfulfilled in their own selves! Kids require a lot of energy and time so that it is hard to carve out space for the self. I applaud all parents who survive the experience with well-behaved kids, and I sit in awe of those who manage to successfully get through more challenging children.

So, while it was worth it to see friends and spend some time with lovely tween/teens, I confirm I made the right choice in not having kids. It is not that I think I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Nor, is it that I think I wouldn’t have been a great mother. I mean, I do love kids and they seem to think I’m alright for an adult. 🤪 It’s that I am proud of the fact that I have traveled and been exposed to different cultures, people, environments. I love that I discovered who I am, who I want to be, and my own limits/boundaries early in life rather than having a midlife or identity crisis later. I am glad I can take the time to do the things I want to, to develop myself, to only have to share space and time with M rather than an ongoing draining of energy to try to dole out evenly to nurture healthy humans.

It is satisfying in a way to feel affirmed in my decision to take the path less traveled. These days, any “motherly” tendencies I might have get poured out to my little pups that I adore – probably way more than I would have my own children…. Ha!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Work, Work, Work

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jan 122023

Around the middle of December, I had had enough of a repeated conversation between the man and myself on the topic of money. 💰 Whenever things get heated, he inevitably throws out “well, you could get a job”, which is a rather low blow given that we both know that isn’t exactly true in the conventional sense or the way that I think of having a job.

So, rather than repeat our basically immature circular conversation that never results in anything productive, I just stopped the discussion. Inside, though, the fumes were stirring. 🔥 Using that fire inside, I considered if there was another way in which I could fulfill the job idea in a different way.

There is a technique in life coaching where one is asked to look at the same situation from different perspectives as it can help to find an alternative solution or see the circumstance with varied lenses. I decided to tap into that as the option of me “going back to work” as a full-time instructor or on a regular payroll is not realistic based on our location, our lifestyle, as well as our personal preferences.

Basically, my best option is to work online and write. Therefore, I put out to Lady Universe to help me out. I needed to find more work in these ways to have my own income – even if small – to prevent us from having to repeat conversations into 2023. Despite previous experience with putting things out to the Universe, I have still yet to learn about specificity. 😅

Within days, I was presented with an opportunity to write a paid article for a publication (under my pseudonym), take on more work with my online gig, and become part of the team that I started doing editing work for by chance. All of that happened so quickly at the end of 2022, that I really didn’t have time to absorb it and let myself prepare for what 2023 might look like in full.

Instead, I have managed to just adjust my day-to-day schedule so that I can manage everything, but I still want to set some plans for my writing retreats as finishing my book is a high priority.

Still, we have already planned travel/visits through the end of February and tentative March plans. So, I have a feeling that this year is going to fly by between working, playing, and fulfilling dreams. 😅

Not to worry, no doubt most, if not all, of it will be tracked here and in other writing spaces. 😬😁

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Into 2023 We Are

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 102023

Despite great plans to get myself scheduled and settled, it’s ten days into the new year already and well, as they say… ‘the best laid plans…’.

To be fair, I have scheduled myself and made multiple attempts to stick to it. The problem is life and others in my life do not seem to understand or follow my schedule! 🤪 🤷🏽‍♀️ Surprise! Ha! 😅

Really, it is fine. Although I have set the goal to not let others run my life at the expense of myself, I do accept that I do not live on my own little island nor in my own little space – though I admit that it would be nice on more than one occasion. 😬😬

So, I write this post from France. I came for a week to catch up with friends and then also do some kid-watching duties for a few days. It has given me a chance to take a little break from the norms of home as I’ve been able to sleep in or wake up peacefully. Plus, it is always warming of the heart to see friends. ❤️

On the downside, I have to really find discipline to ensure I get work done since that has picked up lately and also be balanced with the socializing. Each day is an act of adjustment and acceptance that flexibility is an art of breath and flow. 🙏🏽🧘🏽‍♀️

On the whole, though, I am at peace. While I may be a bit slow on the writing or getting to the projects I have laid out for myself, the truth is that they are just my own for myself. Thus, I can be flexible. I can adjust. I can and I will and I am.

This is 2023 so far and I am enjoying it fully!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Protecting My Energetic Space

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jan 312022

It is trendy these days to talk about setting and keeping boundaries, which to many may seem either a luxury or an impossibility. There are some who may even consider it to be utter nonsense.

Before we celebrated navel gazing and the sharing – or oversharing – of our feelings, people just got on with life; and if one came across someone who set strong/firm boundaries, that person was most likely considered to be ‘eccentric’.

Growing up, I always dreamed of reaching the age when I did not have to follow social norms, play nicely with others, or care whether or not someone liked me. To be fair, the latter was always of least concern to me anyway as I had grown a tough exterior early on. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I thought that this age of bliss would be in my 60s or later. However, thanks to the onset of ‘touchy feely’ sharing, I discovered that I would not have to wait so long.

It was probably in my late 30s that I acquired the language around ‘setting boundaries’ and found it was freeing giving me an edge on the trending curve of self-help, self-awareness, and self-care. Although some may have wanted to wrap it all up in being self-ish, I found a sense of peace, order, and calm around the fact that I was being true to myself and my own mental health by knowing who I am, who I want to be, and what I needed to do to make that happen.

True freedom came with the entry into my fourth decade.

While the deep work began years before, the fruition of yoga, meditation, self awareness, and confidence building revealed itself in powerful bursts so that I no longer felt any sense of obligation to ‘fit in’ or maintain social norms just for the sake of it. I suppose this is also more easily done as a transient expat where reinventing oneself has fewer consequences than if I were in a static neighborhood with the same friends, social circles, and the like. So, it was not many years ago that I began to allow myself to read others’ energies and see how they could affect my own.

In the past, the negative effects would be met and processed with frustration, anger, and further negativity. However, over time, I realized that creating a boundary to protect my energy served as a repellant not only for myself, but also those near me. Now, setting boundaries brings to mind creating a force field that protects everything inside of it – recall Star Wars or any sci-fi film/series. By protecting my energetic space, I can be more self-less and provide support, love, and care to others around me rather than being an enabler of negative energy.

Although it is still not an easy task, I do find that when I focus on protecting my energetic space I am better at being supportive to others. Therefore, I will continue to be unapologetic in setting and keeping my boundaries as a way of protecting my energy from being affected by others’ negativity – should they arise. If it makes me appear selfish or even eccentric, then bring it on! 🤪

~T 😀

Audiobooks: January 2022

Literary Escapes No Responses »

Jan 272022

Along with my ‘reading’ books, I usually have an audiobook going for those times when reading is not easily done but I can listen away. The past few years, I had moved more towards podcasts, but for some reason I have returned to the books. So, I thought that I would share what I listened to this month – since I am sure that I won’t finish the current one before the month is over.

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

This was recommended to me by a friend and it sounded like an interesting one. I started it a few weeks ago and was instantly captivated by the story of a neurosurgeon who eventually gets lung cancer that spreads over time even after some promising treatments.

Because I once dreamed of being a neurosurgeon when I was younger, I found it interesting to hear about his path to the field and commitment to his patients. If it hadn’t been for the required number of years of study and a lack of understanding how to listen for one’s calling, I might have enjoyed that field myself. However, as I listened to his cancer journey and then all the ups and downs of the treatments I was glad that I chose a bit happier field of education. 😜

It also made me consider my own mortality and whether or not I would bother with cancer treatment should I ever (hopefully not!) face such a situation.

Anyway, although not a happy story overall, it was a positive one and I would recommend it if this kind of story interests you. 😁

The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks

https://www.amazon.com/Big-Leap-Conquer-Hidden-Level-ebook/dp/B0026772QU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2H3V66X3GR0PS&keywords=big+leap&qid=1643213297&s=digital-text&sprefix=%2Cdigital-text%2C812&sr=1-1

This was a great book to listen to during my road trip to and from France. It is on my reading list for the book coaching course that I am still slowly, but surely, making my way through. I have also seen it on different recommended book lists, so it was a definite one to eventually be read/listened to.

While most of these kinds of books tend to be dry or more advice-y than helpful, this was not that. In fact, the stories were relatable and the suggestions practical. Hendricks challenged general beliefs related to upper limiting and offered reasonable ways to break through the barriers that we create for ourselves. It is useful to everyone and anyone, in my opinion and will likely go on my list of always recommend when it comes to books. 📚 😁

~T 😀

Books: January 2022

Literary Escapes No Responses »

Jan 172022

This weekend, I finished two books that have been ongoing for a while. That puts me at three books done in 2022 already! Woo!

One came to me through the platform and I initially started it out of a sense of obligation to read the books that come through to us. I’m not one to pass up a book anyway! Although it took me a bit to get into, I found myself still wanting to read it because of the work that Henry Zhang has done for the Asian community in the US to protect and empower them against the ridiculous violence that has come out of the C19 saga.

It is long and there is quite a bit of extra detail, but I think it is worth a read. It’s available on the US Kindle Unlimited, if you’re subscribed to that.

Dragons on the Spectrum (Dragons on the Spectrum Saga Book 1) by [Henry Zhang] — https://www.amazon.com/Dragons-Spectrum-Henry-Zhang-ebook/dp/B097TRL3KR

The other one was one given to me by my step-daughter sometime last year – perhaps around my birthday. It was a book I put in my beach bag since paperbacks are often better in the sun than my electronic devices on which I usually read. However, I found that I wasn’t often reading whilst at the beach, so I took it out and put it in the living room for fireside nights or would wander around outside on sunny days with it in hand.

Although it has taken me some months to get through it, it is not a statement of the quality of the story or writing. In fact, it is beautifully written and weaves a realistic yet romantic story of love, race, and finding of self. One reason that it took me some time was in the density of the pages and the depth of the words. I found that I needed to put the book down to digest and then return later.

This is definitely not a book I would have probably chosen on my own to read, but I am very glad that I received it and read it.

Americanah: A novel (Ala Notable Books for Adults) by [Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie] — https://www.amazon.com/Americanah-Ala-Notable-Books-Adults-ebook/dp/B00A9ET4MC/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=americanah&qid=1642411677&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

The third book that I finished last week was a James Patterson book that does not really need comment. I’m a bit behind in his Women’s Murder Club series as I was finding myself liking every other book or so. However, at the end of 2021, I found that I wanted to read some quick entertaining books to mix it up a bit, so I finally read the 19th of 22 so far in the series. I also received the 20th book for Christmas from my bro, so I will be getting to that soon enough.

However, I have already started a new Gregg Olsen one for now. 😉 So many books to read!!

~T 😀

Taking the Higher Road

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 102022

One of my favorite quotes and sentiments I love from Michelle Obama is “When they go low, we go high”.

During the still mystifying drama that occurred at the end of last year, I came across this quote on FB and saved it because it hit home in the moment and as part of my personal values that have carried me through life contributing to my own sense of success and peace of mind.

Even into the new year, the pettiness and selfishness of one particular individual is bewildering as no matter how much I replay or re-read what transpired, I cannot see where anything I said or did not say or did or did not do could have justified the vitriolic response I have received nor the entitled behavior that has been exhibited.

Now, I do not expect to be liked by everyone. Nor, do I consider myself perfect in action, words, or behavior. I accept that I am a flawed human being. Still, I respect and honor myself as I am. Likewise, I try to do the same to others. Also, I acknowledge that people are at all different places of mental health, self-reflection/awareness, varied levels of perspectives, and so on. In most cases, I am intrigued by the aspects that make use different as it is an opportunity to learn and to grow.

However, I am still always disappointed and confused when a human being proves to be lacking in compassion, understanding, empathy, professionalism, and even just the inability to walk away completely to start anew or move on.

So, when I was sadly faced with the reality that my optimism in having ended the drama and moved on was premature, I initially let anger and a bit of ego take over my emotions. Then, the universe presented me with this image again and I recalled the Obama quote above.

Therefore, I am choosing to take the high road and let it go. In the end, nothing but more negativity and dark energy will be created – unnecessarily. Instead, I put out there into the universe that one day this person will come to see her ‘d*ckishness’ and pay-kindness-forward to someone else whom she may come across in a similar situation, but roles reversed. I hope in that moment, she will learn the art of taking the high road.

In the meantime, with each negative thought that does still enter my brain I let out a deep cleansing breath to release that dark energy and breathe in light, love, and the eternal pursuit of happiness for all. **Also, this is a promise to not write about her or the drama again as the mental space and time given has been more than sufficient. It is time to move on to bigger and better things for the overall benefit of myself and that which I envision.**

~T 😀

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