At What Point?

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jun 302022
 

A result of having so many visitors is having a lot of varied conversations observing not only styles of communication, but also hearing and seeing responses that reflect one’s personality and view on life.

One of my recent ponderings, that is somewhat related to conversations I’ve witnessed, is the question – At what point does an individual feel that something is enough to change their habits for the purpose of having a better life?

When I asked a recent guest this, his response was that it is when one is faced with a sense of mortality. Basically, a near-death or exposed to death kind of situation.

I feel that this is still an inadequate answer because I have not had this kind of experience, yet I have a strong desire to reflect upon myself to adjust my habits so that I am not prohibiting myself from living the best that I can whether it be with my health, my safety/livelihood, or my relationships. While I have long accepted that I do not think like the majority of people, I also have never accepted that I am alone in how I think nor that I might be wrong…. 😑

Obviously, people who do not want to die before they are ready – if they are ever so – will make adjustments to their way of life, if faced with their mortality, until they begin to take life for granted again and return to their “normal” way of life.

As an example, I think back to my grandpa H, who had a heart attack due to a lifetime of unhealthy living. When he came out of the hospital, he temporarily vowed to change his habits. In the end, it was too late as he was taken from us by an aneurysm after being lazy again with his walking and eating. While, on the one hand, we could say that he enjoyed his life and that it doesn’t really matter when one goes; on the other hand, we could argue that he could have continued to enjoy life for many more years than he did. Who is correct? Does it matter? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Personally, I am OK with death. It is a part of the life cycle and when one’s time comes, it is what it is. For me, I am ready anytime as I am very content with the life I have led and the one that I lead. Still, I do not live recklessly nor do I want to have a suffering kind of death – like with cancer. So, I take care of myself and I generally ensure that I do not cause others to worry about my behaviors leading to untimely death (for the living). To be honest, I don’t really know the reason why I think this way, which is why I am curious about those who don’t.

Still, if it is true that most people are not ready to die right now, then why do people continue to smoke when they obviously have bad health; text while driving; drive too fast at the risk of hurting not only themselves but others; drink to excess regularly; etc.?

Now, I’m not questioning one’s desire to have a good time, drown out sorrows, avoid facing personal or external issues, and various other reasons that one might choose to do any or more of the above. I am questioning at what point would it take for someone to want to change their life or to see that such behaviors might not contribute to a longer-lasting and fulfilling way of life? Or, maybe the question back to me is what is a fulfilling way of life and why can’t it be doing the above? 🤔

Anyway, I am honestly not judging nor condemning. Mostly, I’m curious and pondering. 🤯 These are the kinds of conversations I like to have…. 😬🤪

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Hello 46!

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jun 282022
 

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m pretty laidback about celebrating, but I do love a bit of a party the older I get. 😛

So, on Sunday, we had a little get together with new friends for a late lunch in the very toasty and humid weather. It was a lovely afternoon spent chatting, laughing, and generally being merry.

I love fresh flowers – and I got two beautiful bouquets of them!

Also, I had not cut my hair short since pre-pandemic. I had a bit of a touchup and color when I first arrived in Italy, but otherwise it was on a growth momentum. I was avoiding a short cut as I have this thing against potentially looking like a middle-aged Asian lady. So, I was going for the young Asian lady look – 😅. However, the heat and having to do something with it everyday was starting to get boring. After some encouragement from M and a bit of time spent on Pinterest, I found a look that I felt was safe.

Then, I also decided to go wild and bleach it blonde-ish. This is what it looks like!

So, 46 is starting off with a new look, refreshed perspective on life, and a lot of good times – plus there has been a lot of cake 🎂! 🥳

~T 🔥🐉♋︎

When In Doubt – Revert!

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jun 232022
 

Throughout my life, I have learned to protect myself with structure. Like scaffolding during a building remodel, I need structured support as things out of my control shift. So, I reverted back to creating a daily hourly schedule of how my time is to be used.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I follow it strictly or that it is in any way inflexible. However, it does mean that I do not allow myself to sit idly and wallow in the pity-party that I was having for myself. 😬🤷🏽‍♀️

Already, it has lifted my mood and given me a daily sense of accomplishment when I can tick off items on my to-do list or see the activities I have done throughout the day when it is time to relax.

One of the most important activities that I always know is going to make me feel good is exercise. Doing yoga and going for a swim are second best to having a nap and reading. Doing all of these in one day every day is a definite formula for success and happiness! 😅

So, the mood is lifting, the attitude is shifting and the auras are brighter. Thank goodness! Hopefully more positivity to continue. 🤞🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

 Permalink  Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 212022
 

It seems that my period of angst and frustrations is not yet over. 🥺 Although I had made an attempt to adjust my brain so that I was not thinking like a spoilt child, it only took a few rude words to send me back into the pit of despair.

Basically, I feel untethered. Not lost. Not confused. Not distracted. But, without purpose, meaning, and perhaps even mis- and displaced. 😢

For the second time since being married to M, I find myself in a position of complete dependence with no actionable solution. 😟 Although there are projects I can do around the house – there are plenty -, or words to be written, or various other tasks that could be created, none of them make me feel “useful”. So, when I asked the man to take the garbage up to the top of the drive and he retorted with ‘you know, you’re capable of taking out the garbage and you can’t complain about not having purpose if you want to play the gender card…’ (I paraphrase a bit), I silently stewed in molten lava 🤬 with my frustration at his utter lack of comprehension as to what I thought I had made clear to him the night before. Obviously, I had not either from my own lack of explanation or his lack of desire to understand – I choose to think it is the latter reason. 🤷🏽‍♀️😬

Even my dad, in his wont as a man to try to “fix” the situation, gave me advice to go outside and find projects that will make me feel good with physical exertion or, at least satisfaction that I have something to show for my efforts if there is nothing else I can do.

While neither men were incorrect in their statements and suggestions, both men are missing the point. I am a highly educated, intelligent woman who does not find satisfaction or meaning in doing things around the house or outside. Aside from the fact that I am basically allergic to the outdoors between the bugs, plants, and practically the air, it is my brain and mind that needs to feel valued and worked. Like our Beagle puppies, I need to be challenged and intellectually stimulated with a reward at the end – like money, or treats in the case of the pups. 🐶

My anger arises from being told that I can make myself useful by cleaning up after him, doing his/our laundry, taking out the trash, or doing whatever other chores around the house that he doesn’t want to do because he has purpose as the one making an income and controlling every other aspect of my life. I am not allowed to complain or ask him to do things because I have expressed a dissatisfaction with my current situation. 😳🙄

Admittedly, I realize I may not be helping myself either as I say it is a lack of money, but that I don’t want to work full-time (plus I actually cannot due to our visa) or that I don’t have a sense of purpose each day – which does not equate to doing tasks around the house. Still, I rebuke the idea that I should shut up and take care of things myself no matter if it is domestic or otherwise just because the “man” can’t appreciate the fact that I’m discontent at a lack of control over my own decisions that involve having to spend money, which is basically everything.

So, I am trapped and stuck.

I know it is not easy for him either and realize that my discontent is probably not helping him…. He tried to say that I should see that my purpose for the moment is to support him since he is the only one who can get us through this period of challenges. He’s probably right, but it doesn’t mean that I like it. It also doesn’t change how I feel – for now.

My current solution is to control myself and what I can within my means. I’ve returned to making a daily hourly schedule for myself along with my todo lists. This gives me direction each day at least. I’ve temporarily accepted that my almost 46-year-old self has to ask for permission and funds to spend money on little luxuries like getting my nails or hair done or going out to a cafe to work/write. Plus, I am doing freelance work to try to earn some spending money when I can since my visa is less threatened by that. And so, that is the current reality.

While it keeps me in a bit of a funk, it also is manageable for the moment. 🤪 Maybe now I can focus on writing and doing other productive things that I do enjoy as a distraction 💪🏽 until this phase ends – and, it will eventually. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Same Sh*t, Different Toilet

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jun 162022
 

My internal dialog has been the rantings of a spoiled individual – this I freely admit. 🤯

However, does this mean that I have no right to give voice to it or share it with others? Is there a point in which truly no one wants to hear about my lack of ability to go shopping, travel freely, or leave the resort-like villa-style house with a pool when I want to?

Yea, I just heard that previous sentence out loud and thought to myself, “Yes, Tara, yes, there is a point and no one wants to hear you complain about that!”

Still, does my advantaged circumstance negate my right to have feelings of isolation, lack of control, and entrapment?

There’s a saying that everyone has to sh*t, it is just a difference of the kind of bathroom they use. (Actually, I don’t know if that is a saying or if I just made it up, but you get the gist.) 🙏🏽

The fact is that we all got issues that get triggered and core values that get challenged. So, whether my toilet is marble or porcelain or a plastic bucket, I got sh*t just like anyone else.

Although I would never actually take my own life, or at least it would take a lot more angst to push me to that edge, I can appreciate the path that one might walk and eventually follow to the end when presented with that option. It is a lonely place to be in when one feels that they cannot share their frustrations with others, especially those who are closest to them – whatever the reason may be.

Despite a knee-jerk response by most that “they are always there” for someone, we know that isn’t really true. How many times has someone called, but you haven’t answered because you couldn’t be bothered? Or, how often have you meant to reach out to someone, but allowed yourself to get distracted by something else? How much TV watched or dinners out or books read or time doing anything and everything else other than reaching out to family, friends, or even acquaintances has occurred? Don’t worry – I am very guilty of this myself. 🙋🏽‍♀️

So, after two days of trying to keep quiet about my frustrations, I could no longer hold on to the growing lump of darkness inside of me. I believe that people get cancer or other dis-eases because they carry these feelings with them without any ability to let them out. My relationship with M is based on complete and uninhibited openness with each other. Even if we don’t like to hear what the other is saying, we allow each other to have the space to express it, rant on it, or even yell about it, and then, together, adjust to learn from it. It’s when one of us does not share that a void starts to form that neither of us ever want to grow too large in fear that there is no way to close it again.

So, my angst and frustration was in the feeling that I am not able to talk to him without my words, thoughts, and feelings being taken as an attack or dismissed as unimportant, or altogether ignored. He is rightly caught up in his own set of issues and stresses, but it is not often that they get in the way of his ability to rationally respond or listen to me. However, this was the case recently.

Thus, I unloaded – rather nicely for me, if I do say so myself. Nothing was resolved really, but the lump is gone. My sh*t got flushed, so to speak (sorry for the crudity). 😜

Eventually, we will circle back and discuss again, but at least for now, the Dip has leveled out ready for that upward turn.😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Just a Dip…

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jun 142022
 

There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off. 

Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner. 

Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.

Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.

Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.

There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.

Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.

One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.

Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.

So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave 💪🏽 to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck! 🤪

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Pondering the Human Condition

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 092022
 

Humans are a strange breed of creatures that despite their ability to self-reflect and capacity for advanced cognitive activity tend to not behave much better than animals in packs. Humanity as a whole, when collectively-minded, have the awe-inspiring capacity to achieve greatness beyond the imagination. I mean, the temples and tombs of Luxor and Aswan are proof of this – unless you believe it was aliens.

Yet, whenever new social circles are created there is always the sniffing of butts, tests of the masculine energies (applies to women and men), and dancing around each other to find their positioning in the matrix of newly formed threads that connect us with each other. Observing this ritual from the sidelines is always entertaining and sometimes frustrating.

The past week gave me a great deal to ponder and process as I was forced to interact with both familiar and unfamiliar humans.

So, I will save my revelations for another post as I am still in the processing phase, but now that I know I will have a period of time to regroup I imagine the thoughts shall be flowing in no time. 😀

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Self-Awareness vs Maturity

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 072022
 

My introversion has been fully challenged the past week or so. I can hardly believe we are already a week into June and I’ve had no time for introspection or a moment to pause and replenish. Well, to be fair, I’ve escaped our house full of guests periodically with morning pool dips or afternoon naps. However, an introvert does not so easily recover with brief moments of solitude. So, today, I’ve taken the majority of the morning and early afternoon to escape to my happy place under the auspice of having a meeting with a friend to discuss a new venture in Orvieto town center – more on that in a later post.

It was actually great to catch up with my friend, but now that our meeting is finished, I’m taking the opportunity to give myself time and space to reflect on the interactions of the past week or so being forced to be amongst others full-time.

Long-time readers, friends, and acquaintances will know that I’m no lover of people. It goes beyond my introversion into a full cynicism of individuals. While I believe in the absolute amazing power of mankind to achieve greatness and be inspirational humans, I doubt most individuals’ ambition, interest, and intention to work toward this. So, my general belief in people as arseholes at the start keeps me from too much disappointment when they prove me right, and allows for pleasant surprise when I am wrong.

A common revelation of a person is in their communications and interactions when amongst new people.

There are the deflectors – those who answer a question with a question because they don’t really want to talk about themselves. This is either from a lack of confidence or a sense of humility presented in not wanting to focus attention on them.

There are the inquisitors – similar to the deflectors, but just start off asking questions of others to keep the conversation away from them, but seeming to be good listeners or showing keen interest in others. Their motives may be sincere interest, or like those above.

There are the ideal conversationalists, who equally ask and answer questions like one might see in the best Wimbledon finale allowing conversation to grow and the art of getting to know others is like watching a beautiful dance performance.

Then, there are the one-man shows – those who share absolutely everything they possibly can whether or not anyone asks them to reveal their opinions or tell tales of their experiences. Not to be a gender-ist, but this is more often than not done by men. No matter the gender identity, the fact is that this kind of person tends to be more common than not.

What is even more interesting to me is when a deflecting inquisitor, like my husband, questions or challenges the one-man show performer. Their response is often what chips away the facade to show who they really are as a person. No matter how old the person is, which we would normally expect to be a sign of maturity, they cannot help but reveal their true colors and level of self-awareness.

We recently had an older individual stay with us. Our judgement of this person had already been slightly colored by a mutual friend providing us with some prior knowledge and information. Still, I did try -somewhat schizophrenically – to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, time and time again it became obvious that this human was not self-aware even though they had 20+ years more of life on me and others. Therefore, responses were often overly embellished or arrogantly hidden with retorts eventually at the level of a high schooler or young 20-something.

This really surprised me, to be honest.

It proved that age does not matter. It is not necessarily the length of time that we walk this earth that helps us to grow and understand the world, but rather the depth in which we allow ourselves to be challenged to learn and improve our quality of lives.

Confirming this doesn’t help my cynicism, admittedly. However, it does add to my understanding of the complex dimensions that make up a human being. While I will still endeavor to respect my elders in the same way I try to respect other people, I also feel as if a new scale of judgment has come into the forefront – how self aware are they?

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Happy 45th!

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jun 272021
 

With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, I’m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.

There’s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.

Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how I’ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and it’s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.

For me, I’m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby “resting bitch face” pretty much makes that clear. 😬

My “luck” was that I was provided with influences early on in life that weren’t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being “good”. After all, I have been told my Korean name “Sun Hui” means “good girl”. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness. 🤪

In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love 😍 at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet 🤫.

The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.

It hasn’t been all sunshine ☀️ and champagne 🍾 .

When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we aren’t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.

One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that ‘world’ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.

If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we don’t/can’t have it.

No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.

This is how I have led my life.

I didn’t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didn’t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasn’t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didn’t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didn’t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.

Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.

No sad piggy tears for me!

~T 😀

Whole and Capable

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jun 222020
 

One of the tenants of the life coaching principles that I learned was that we have to hold people as whole and capable.

Based on the belief that all individuals are whole, capable individuals, coaching assumes the client is expert, able to determine what is best for their lives and the coach works along with them to maximize their personal and professional potentials, to close the gaps to create extraordinary lives.

~What is coaching?

If we apply this belief to every person, then it negates the need to nag at them or worry about follow-through. The more that we hold people in this way, the more trust we build with one another. When we trust one another, we can communicate openly and honestly. This way of communicating leads to the development of agape love.

I have been listening to _Radical Dharma_ and finding that there is much to learn in our interactions with others.

This basis of agape in our sense of humanity and community is missing in our society. The lack of it can fully explain why society is in the state that it is in.

How many parents these days fit the concept of ‘helicopter parenting’? How many women complain about the men in their lives not doing this or that, but readily admit that they have never actually asked them to do what is desired? How many partners expect their partners to have a Vulcan mind-meld with them to read all expectations, but are disappointed when the readings are not accurate or even attempted? How many kids feel that their parents do not understand them because they don’t feel listened to or that they can openly communicate?

Everything stems from an ability to communicate – without judgement, without repercussions, etc.

Imagine what the world would be like, or better yet, one’s own relationships and life would be like, if we all felt as if we could trust each other to be open and honest with one another without the fear of anger or negativity. With this built up of trust, we can have agape.

Some might call me an idealist, but those who really know me understand I’m actually a realist. It is realistic to me that mankind can achieve greatness in unity. It is realistic to me that human beings can have conversations that lead to a deeper understanding of each other. It is realistic to me that we can hold each other as whole and capable to build such trust.

The realist in me finds great disappointment in the fact that our society cannot seem to accept the basic fact that all we really have to do is talk to each other with open minds and hearts….

But, since I fully believe in the power of the individual creating a mass movement – after all, we have seen it in action – let’s just start with one person at a time. Who have you not been holding whole and capable that you could start doing so now?

~T 😀

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